Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→My own worse enemy.
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September 22, 2013 at 11:55 pm #42616JonathanParticipant
At 32 years old, I never thought I’d be dealing with the issues I’m currently dealing with, but I realize now that I have had these issues my whole life! I have never ending thoughts. It’s as if a movie plays in my mind 24/7 and never stops. I am ready to calm my mind. I have practiced Buddhism since I was 16. Although, my Buddhist chanting does help to calm me and relax, I am still finding negative thoughts in my mind. As long as I can remember, I have had these thoughts. I’ve failed at every relationship I’ve had. I’ve never been able to maintain a job for a long time. The job I am currently at is unfulfilling to me and I am not happy. I know that I just can’t up and leave, but I sure do feel that way some times. It’s like a rollar coaster for me. Just a few weeks ago, I felt so positive and my outlook was great. Now, just a few weeks later, I feel terrible again. I am struggling with thoughts from my past. I’ve always been a firm believer in not living in the past. I fully believe that, however, how do I get out? The more I think about it, I believe my problems come from my childhood. My dad left at 12 and I never saw him again. I think that’s where I get abandonment issues. I’ve always been afraid of being alone and now I am. Looking back, it seems like everyone I’ve ever loved as left me which makes the mind start thinking, what is it about me that makes people leave? I do have trust issues, I already know that. At this moment though, I am really trying hard to live an upbeat and healthy life. I’ve lived alone for the past year and a half. At first, it was the hardest thing I’ve dealt with because someone was always “there.” No one is there anymore. I have just about come to terms with living alone and I’ve actually made the best of it. I do get lonely at times and wish someone was around, but I guess that’s normal. I am not trying to find happiness though someone else. I believe you must find happiness and peace within yourself. I’m trying to do that, but these negative thoughts just pop up out of nowhere. I get embarrassed easily when I talk about my life, so I will just ask, does anyone have meditation techniques that I could try to help ease the mind and clear my thoughts? Even while doing my Buddhist chanting, it’s as if the mind does not stop and I have such a hard time focusing on chanting or meditating. I’m just so tired, you know? I’m ready to live a happy and peaceful life. Any thoughts or tips is much appreciated. I am so happy I found this website. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for any advice you may offer. Peace, Jonathan
September 23, 2013 at 6:42 am #42626MattParticipantJonathan,
I’m sorry for the leftover baggage you carry from the past, and understand how tiring negative thoughts and feelings can be. Sometimes when we have unresolved conflicts, we feel as though there is important information being revealed in our thoughts, as though the maze that arises holds some key to our happiness. This isn’t really the case… sometimes it can be helpful to steer the mind toward our history, like unpacking a backpack of stones, but the negative thoughts are unneeded. They are normal and usual, but unneeded. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
When our fathers leave early, the force that we associate with the protector, the stabilizer can sometimes become jumbled. Daddy protected us from the harshness of nature, and in his absence, either mommy takes up the role or we adopt it for ourselves. When we try to become the protector role at a young age, we can develop an uncertainty, an insecurity. We know we are not ready to figure it all out, to keep us and our family safe, and yet there we are. So we begin developing protective elements inside us… try to brace ourselves for the harshness.
This is often the genesis of negative thought patterns. As we observe the unknown, we think “is that dangerous, how do I relate to that thing?” and begin to try to imagine the possible dangers that the object or person could bring. We engage in negative fantasy to try to protect and prepare ourselves for the potential outcomes.
That being said, it may or may not fit your scope and journey, but is an example. If you can see that, then you can perhaps see that, whatever your particular cause, it is not some inherent quality of your mind that has to be wrestled with. You’re not flawed or broken. Its just a habitual pattern, a series of neurons in the brain wired in such and such a way to respond in such and such a way to the phenomena around you.
Which is pretty awesome, no? It means something can be done to be free. When Buddha found his inner stability and peace, the great wheel of dharma began to turn as other people learned “that which has the qualities of arising has the qualities of ceasing”. Not inherent. Not eternal. Just a “cause” present that has an effect of binding the mind into patterns.
All that is great in theory, but we also have to apply it into our life for it to be anything other than a philosophical potential. This is where meditation comes in. The chanting is fine, and does do some positive things. Its brought more energy, increased the potency of the mind. However, perhaps consider doing metta and breath meditation. Chanting can sometimes be like putting a layer of paint on top of another, or covering a dirty table with a cloth. It doesn’t necessarily uproot the lumps, strip the wallpaper and paint. Perhaps the following will help:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c
This is instruction and guidance, and I feel it will help a lot with what you are struggling with. Metta is incredibly wonderful. Listen close to the guided meditation, the guide explains all of it, so I won’t repeat what he says beautifully and timely.
Another thing that can help with the inner stability and peace is becoming self nurturing. Metta is one great nurturing activity, but you can supplement it with others. Go for walks in nature, turn off the TV/game system (ever watch your emotional responses to them?), take a bath, listen to soft music, create something artistic, go to a museum… do things that are nice to yourself, gentle, patient… actions which tell your body and mind that Jonathan is important, loved. This turns loneliness into aloneness. Loneliness, where we feel craving for another in order to feel that light and love, becomes aloneness, where we realize we have all the light we need inside us, and connecting to others becomes a sharing of abundance. Icing on the cake. Etc.
You don’t have to worry, friend and brother. There have been many people who have gone through similar pain, and come out the other side with stability and luminous mind. It takes time, but you are far more courageous than you think, and the steps you walk have been taken by almost all people who seek and find their path to joy. Namaste, may you find peace and light.
With warmth,
MattSeptember 24, 2013 at 6:42 pm #42728Terry BarnesParticipantJonathan,
I have read your post and I think you may benefit greatly from reading Dr. Joe Dispenza’s book “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself”. It’s a great book and has changed my life. I have suffered my entire life with what felt like uncontrolled negative thinking. Joe’s method of meditating works for me and he has several Meditation CD’s that are led by him. Also check out his web site. This man’s life story is incredible and he has just finished his 3rd book, which will be out in April 2014. He has connected the dots between spirituality and science, and teaches in a way that anyone can understand and apply to their everyday life. Check the interviews out on the web by goggling utube Joe Dispenza and also here is his website. http://www.drjoedispenza.com/joedispenza
Much love and peace for you.
Terry
September 24, 2013 at 8:59 pm #42732Dharmesh RadadiyaParticipantHI Jonathan,
I think the way you are thinking will harm you if you continue to think,look dear friend you told that i always failed to maintain relationship.lost job everytime.
This make us nervous all the time?But if you going to start a new relation with anybody dont carry fear that this relationship will also break in future.
this stops you to behave freely with that person and stop ur original behaviour with some one.And you will fail to expose your original self to some one.I also practicing maditation daily but it is very hard to stop unwanted thoughts in mind during meditation but Before you start your meditation promise your self that u will not think about anyhting during meditation.And someone did bad with you and you are still suffering from it then forgive them all by heart this will help you to decrease intensity of your pain.
Imagine your self as having so many friends and they all are very happy with you,your behaviour,your habits.And if you are working currently some where
Notice those all people who are with you and also try to find that what they expect from you if you will find it you will no far from Happiness.I Pray to god they will help you to find out your way.
With Love.
Dharmesh Radadiya.September 24, 2013 at 10:48 pm #42738RyanParticipantJonathan,
I lost my dad to drinking at age 16 and both my best friends Zach and Ryan in a car accident I was driving in at age 17. I would carry much guilt and regret for the situation and anger directed towards my father for leaving me at a young age. I did 3 months in jail for this and it gave me time to think clear about life and see deep into life’s depths. I was at constant battle to rationalize my past into patterns I could understand. I shared the same tendency to indulge in negativity’s possibilities to protect myself from future occurrences of similar situations also. It engulfed my life for sometime. I would break that by blocking everything out and focusing on the now, and methodically breaking down goals or issues into very small tasks to avoid anxiety. I bought 10 cork boards one day and labeled them. Health, Financials, Mindset, Goals, Achievements etc etc. Lack of organization is similar to negative thoughts…You see and act in reality very clear similar to positive consciousness. My mind gets jumbled a lot so it helps me to project everything into tangible physical form I can feel with my senses and understand more efficiently. You can only think one thought at at time, but you can see plenty of them in reality and the possibilities of organizing the patterns in your thoughts are limitless. I’m still trying to envision the true form of myself just like you are. It takes persistence towards anxiety to overcome that challenge. Hopefully that helped in someway!
Demolish Anxiety,
-R
- This reply was modified 11 years, 3 months ago by Ryan.
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