Jonathan,

I’m sorry for the leftover baggage you carry from the past, and understand how tiring negative thoughts and feelings can be. Sometimes when we have unresolved conflicts, we feel as though there is important information being revealed in our thoughts, as though the maze that arises holds some key to our happiness. This isn’t really the case… sometimes it can be helpful to steer the mind toward our history, like unpacking a backpack of stones, but the negative thoughts are unneeded. They are normal and usual, but unneeded. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

When our fathers leave early, the force that we associate with the protector, the stabilizer can sometimes become jumbled. Daddy protected us from the harshness of nature, and in his absence, either mommy takes up the role or we adopt it for ourselves. When we try to become the protector role at a young age, we can develop an uncertainty, an insecurity. We know we are not ready to figure it all out, to keep us and our family safe, and yet there we are. So we begin developing protective elements inside us… try to brace ourselves for the harshness.

This is often the genesis of negative thought patterns. As we observe the unknown, we think “is that dangerous, how do I relate to that thing?” and begin to try to imagine the possible dangers that the object or person could bring. We engage in negative fantasy to try to protect and prepare ourselves for the potential outcomes.

That being said, it may or may not fit your scope and journey, but is an example. If you can see that, then you can perhaps see that, whatever your particular cause, it is not some inherent quality of your mind that has to be wrestled with. You’re not flawed or broken. Its just a habitual pattern, a series of neurons in the brain wired in such and such a way to respond in such and such a way to the phenomena around you.

Which is pretty awesome, no? It means something can be done to be free. When Buddha found his inner stability and peace, the great wheel of dharma began to turn as other people learned “that which has the qualities of arising has the qualities of ceasing”. Not inherent. Not eternal. Just a “cause” present that has an effect of binding the mind into patterns.

All that is great in theory, but we also have to apply it into our life for it to be anything other than a philosophical potential. This is where meditation comes in. The chanting is fine, and does do some positive things. Its brought more energy, increased the potency of the mind. However, perhaps consider doing metta and breath meditation. Chanting can sometimes be like putting a layer of paint on top of another, or covering a dirty table with a cloth. It doesn’t necessarily uproot the lumps, strip the wallpaper and paint. Perhaps the following will help:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

This is instruction and guidance, and I feel it will help a lot with what you are struggling with. Metta is incredibly wonderful. Listen close to the guided meditation, the guide explains all of it, so I won’t repeat what he says beautifully and timely.

Another thing that can help with the inner stability and peace is becoming self nurturing. Metta is one great nurturing activity, but you can supplement it with others. Go for walks in nature, turn off the TV/game system (ever watch your emotional responses to them?), take a bath, listen to soft music, create something artistic, go to a museum… do things that are nice to yourself, gentle, patient… actions which tell your body and mind that Jonathan is important, loved. This turns loneliness into aloneness. Loneliness, where we feel craving for another in order to feel that light and love, becomes aloneness, where we realize we have all the light we need inside us, and connecting to others becomes a sharing of abundance. Icing on the cake. Etc.

You don’t have to worry, friend and brother. There have been many people who have gone through similar pain, and come out the other side with stability and luminous mind. It takes time, but you are far more courageous than you think, and the steps you walk have been taken by almost all people who seek and find their path to joy. Namaste, may you find peace and light.

With warmth,
Matt

HI Jonathan,

I think the way you are thinking will harm you if you continue to think,look dear friend you told that i always failed to maintain relationship.lost job everytime.
This make us nervous all the time?But if you going to start a new relation with anybody dont carry fear that this relationship will also break in future.
this stops you to behave freely with that person and stop ur original behaviour with some one.And you will fail to expose your original self to some one.

I also practicing maditation daily but it is very hard to stop unwanted thoughts in mind during meditation but Before you start your meditation promise your self that u will not think about anyhting during meditation.And someone did bad with you and you are still suffering from it then forgive them all by heart this will help you to decrease intensity of your pain.

Imagine your self as having so many friends and they all are very happy with you,your behaviour,your habits.And if you are working currently some where
Notice those all people who are with you and also try to find that what they expect from you if you will find it you will no far from Happiness.

I Pray to god they will help you to find out your way.

With Love.
Dharmesh Radadiya.