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My negativity keeps pushing people away from me.

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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • January 23, 2014 at 12:55 pm #49626
    Eddie
    Participant

    Hello.

    Much as the title says i’ve noticed that this keeps happening to me, people seem to like me initially and if i keep things at arms length my guess is they’d probably like me indefinitely, it’s when i start talking deeply with people that they suddenly realise, “oh, this isn’t the happy, cheerful person i thought he was, there’s something negative here.”

    And the unfortunate thing is that they are correct. My life feels like one long road of negative experiences and they have shaped who i really am, over the years i’ve built up a cheerful facade, i overcompensate with a stream of jokes and self-depreciating humour, but inevitably at some point people want to know more, they stop talking about the workplace or hobbies we both share and they want to know about me personally, and that is where they find to their disappointment who i really am.

    It doesn’t take long for anyone trying to get close to me to discover that i suffer quite severely from depression and a strong inferiority complex, i wish i wasn’t like this but there doesn’t seem to to be anything i can do about it, this very day i have disappointed/annoyed yet another person with my lack of ambition and negativity, i wasn’t even aware i had been negative until she gave me a hint, but by that time it was already too late.

    Despite my pretence at being happy if someone asks me about myself i try not to hide the truth, my false exterior is there to protect me from the world at large, not to continue the lie with individual people who have taken an interest in me, it would be impossible to do so regardless because pretending to be happy when you’re not is emotionally exhausting, sometimes i have to withdraw from seemingly relaxed and happy meetings because i feel my mask is about to slip, my truth is anger, sadness, regret, bitterness and negativity, and once people know that it’s all over. i have a few friends who know my real personality and still like me, but i stay away from them on purpose, because i’m scared of losing them.

    There was a line in a book called “Don Quijote” where the protagonist said, “i know who i am and who i may be, if i choose,” well, i don’t know who i am and i don’t know who i may be, i’m 35 now, i’m getting on and i didn’t find the only thing i wanted from life, which was a family of my own, i want to be the me that people initially like but i don’t know how to get rid of that poisonous, sub-concious mindset that tells me i’m worthless and drives people away from me, it’s becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    Strangely, the less i know someone the easier i can interact with them in a successful manner, because i have a whole load of tricks up my sleeve to distract them, but once the jokes run out, once the conversations about any subject i can think of are all finished, when i can no longer turn their attention away from who i really am, then whatever few, pleasing characteristics i may have, leave me, and all my insecurities are laid bare.

    If you’ve read this far i apologise for the length of this post, i’m afraid i don’t know how else to put it. i’d really appreciate some advice if possible as i’m at a loss as to how to strike these destructive, bitter feelings from my heart.

    January 23, 2014 at 3:04 pm #49635
    Jen Dent
    Participant

    Hi Eddie,

    The first thing that struck me about your post is that you seem very self-aware. That is, you recognize that your depression and negativity is having a serious impact on your life and you want to change that. To me, just that recognition is a great first step towards healing.

    The second thing that struck me was that you do indeed sound very depressed. As someone who has struggled with serious, recurring depression throughout my life, I would strongly advise that you seek out a mental health professional that you feel comfortable working with. You mention that your life “feels like one long road of negative experiences.” It may be that the depression is skewing your perception of the past, and that you’re simply remembering things in a more negative light. On the other hand, it may be that you’ve actually gone through some truly crap experiences that have left mental and emotional scars. If that’s the case, a good therapist can work with you to understand the impact those experiences have had on your mental health, and help you heal from them. A good therapist can also guide you through the decision of whether or not to take medication for the depression. I don’t know what your personal feelings on medication are, but speaking from personal experience again, I regret not having started medication sooner myself. Again though, that’s a very personal decision your therapist/psychologist can help you make.

    Finally, one other piece of advice, and it’s one that people give me all the time: Don’t be so hard on yourself. I can tell you’re unhappy and frustrated, but try to work on developing some compassion for yourself. Yeah, you’ve got issues — just like everyone else on the planet. None of us is perfect, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve love and and compassion. I know it can be really hard to do, but try to show yourself the love and compassion you show others.

    Hugs,
    Jen

    January 24, 2014 at 1:13 am #49658
    Eddie
    Participant

    Thank you very much for the kind words Jen, i agree that i need therapy, it’s crossed my mind on many an occasion, and my GP offered me the chance of seeing someone on my last visit there about six months ago, but i declined. I don’t really know why, i think it’s partly denial and partly the fear of ending up on a list of mentally unstable people, too proud i guess to get the help i so obviously need. With regard to medication, i’m not keen on the idea as i don’t know what type of professional i’l get to see should i decide to go, i may get someone who is careful with these drugs or someone who hands out them out like sweets, i guess i have trust issues too.

    Your last point also makes a lot of sense, i know you can’t be loved till you can love yourself but i have mixed feelings. There are (strangely perhaps, taking into account how depressed i feel) a few parts of myself that i do like, it’s my negative outlook, bitterness from past experiences and my own failures that are ruining my life, i want to be consistently optimistic, interesting and even charming as i know i’m capable of being in short bursts, but my subconcsious tells me “no, that’s not who you are, remember when this happened to you? Remember when this failure occurred? When that person rejected you? It’s because you’re not the calm, confident person you’re trying to be, you know who you really are.” and so on, it’s an insidious, defeatist attitude, reinforced by past disappointments that saps my self-belief completely.

    Thanks again, i feel bad bothering another person with my problems, but i’m really grateful for your help.

    January 24, 2014 at 3:33 am #49661
    Karin
    Participant

    Hi Eddie,

    Like Jen said, it’s so good that you are so aware of this. You can even list some of the negative thoughts you have. That’s a really good step. Did you realize that thoughts are only words… not absolute truth? You don’t have to believe them.
    Whenever a thought like that comes up you can thank your brain for coming up with it and can ask yourself: is this true? Is this the absolute truth? Is this thought in anyway useful? What happens to me if I believe this? What would happen if I didn’t? What can I think instead?
    Like this thought you said you have: ‘remember when this failure occurred?’ It makes me think: You’re still here, living and breathing, this failure didn’t kill you… perhaps it taught you something, perhaps it made you stronger? Some say: there is no failure… only feedback!

    If you look back to your life and see only negativity then i’m surprised you’re not in worse shape than you seem to be. Obviously you have some strength within you that makes you want to go on, to be positive, to keep trying. Isn’t that great? Why not focus on that? And those parts of yourself that you like, the real you, I’d say, you can focus on that! Change the story you tell yourself about yourself, you have the power to do that!

    A ‘trick’ that has really helped me is gratefulness: what have you got in your life, in yourself, to be grateful for? Let’s say you make a little list everyday with positive things that happened to you, maybe the sun on your face. With positive things you did, like smile to a stranger. With the things that life has given you already. By making a sort of ritual of it, by doing it everyday, it will make it easier to focus on the positive things that are bound to happen everyday, that you yourself do every day. It will make it easier to focus on the good within yourself, that I know is there.

    Like Jen said, you made the first step already!

    I’m sure you have what it takes to be the Eddie you want to be!

    With love,
    Karin

    January 24, 2014 at 6:10 am #49664
    deepak
    Participant

    you are in very serious situation ,no body can change you ,you have developed a habit of thinking bad ,and habit can’t be changed ,even people like you make situation worst for friends and relatives ,but here are some advise ,if you practice it you will certainly improve and can be happy
    don’t make small things big
    don’t think you will get every thing enjoy whatever you get
    don’t label anybody
    don’t think why i am ,think that there are many people who are in more pain than you
    don’t jump into any conclusion about a man or situation
    don’t give remote of your tv to others ,other can’t make you feel good or bad ,you are the creator of good or bad whatever it is
    you can’t change others but you can change yourselve
    don’ t expect anything even a hello or wish from any one
    don’t depend on anything and anybody
    enjoy where you are what you are how you are
    you can’t change past
    happiness is with in you not out side
    and so far people are concerned do you think that if you are good than they will love you ,no ,they will not , people are selfish every one in this world love you if he thinks that it will give them something,so give love get love
    try the evergreen formula of serving and sacrificing for others ,only giver are respected and prayed but don’t expect after giving

    January 24, 2014 at 7:59 am #49672
    Eddie
    Participant

    Thank you Jen, Karin and Deepak, i really appreciate your help and your kindness, i’ve struggled for a long time and i see the wisdom in what you say, i hope i will be able to put your advice into practice. One thing i fear more than anything is the lack of want, i’ve wanted the appreciation and love of others my whole life, and i’ve been attached to people my whole life, i placed my entire happiness on a single word from others, it’s pretty clear now that is no way to continue, i have a lot of changing to do if i want to get better, thanks again.

    January 29, 2014 at 2:33 pm #49965
    Pamela
    Participant

    Hello Eddie,
    As a psychologist I can tell you that you’re living stuck in a room you hate and instead of changing rooms you’re rearranging the furniture. No matter how often you move that sofa Eddie, you’re still stuck in the room, nothing really changes. What you have to realize is every thought you have about yourself and your life was put there by you. You programmed your mind by negative thoughts, errors in your thinking, and false underlying assumptions about situations and social interactions. You are existing in something called a “Negative Triad”. A negative triad is a vicious circle spinning downward. Here’s how it plays out:
    1. The automatic thoughts that pop into your head are negative thoughts about yourself, the world, and the future. In your own words, you see yourself as inadequate and your life has been full of obstacles and difficulties. You see these problems as continuing with little hope for improvement.
    2.When these negative automatic thoughts come into your mind, they trigger feelings of despair and make a “down” or “low” mood even lower
    3. The low mood acts like a magnet for negative thoughts. The negative thoughts come to mind more often and because they do the negative thoughts become more believable.
    Low mood->negative thoughts->lower mood
    4. What happens next is procrastination, inactivity, and feelings of helplessness.
    BUT just as you programmed your mind with negative software…you can upgrade to a new program. Now it took a long time to get your thought patterns where they are now and it will take commitment, time and practice to make changes; but it can be done with success.
    The question is Do you want to change? Are there underlying benefits living in that room? Only you can answer that.
    Take one small action, if you don’t want to start therapy , look for a support group, go to one meeting and see what happens. Once you make a decision and take action, you’ve already begun to break the cycle.
    Good Luck
    I’ll be praying for you.
    Pamela

    January 29, 2014 at 8:44 pm #49977
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Hi Eddie,
    I just wanted to write you to let you know that I can relate to you. My heart got broken really bad this past summer and that really woke me up. I guess one can only rise up when they fall. My dear brother, i don’t wish that kind of heart break on anyone but I am not writing you to tell you about that. I am writing you to tell you that all the answers you seek are within you. After loosing someone i thought i would marry, I realize that all my life i have ignored the one person who has always been with me, ME. I started meditating. At first, I started meditating just to calm myself down. I would cry every other minute of the day. I was actually prescribed medicine to calm down but I don’t like taking medication so I turn to the holistic alternatives. Meditating first felt like the most boring and impossible thing to do then I started taking walks by myself. I started talking to myself. like really talking. I started to be kind to myself. Meditating became easier.

    Its been 8 months and I have to tell you that i am kind of falling in love with myself. I know it sounds vain but everything is looking better now. Even my job. Even my unloving family. Even dating. This doesn’t mean I don’t stumble. this doesn’t mean I don’t get upset at myself. I do but now because I am friends with myself, I come back to myself and talk it out. Seriously, you sound like a great guy. try to get to know that great guy. Give yourself that kindness. Go get yourself an ice cream cone when you feel like having one. Go take yourself out to a nice dinner. The miracle of all of this is, when you start liking yourself, everyone else will start noticing it. Everyone wants to be around happy, loving people. try giving that love to yourself first and rest will all fall in place. Like Pamela said above, you will have to make some changes in your thinking. You will have to put in that work. Its not easy.

    I am sorry I am all over the place with my thoughts. Oh ya, one more thing, one of things i did after my breakup was that i took a solo trip to Ireland. That trip reminded me who I was. I remembered that sweet, loving, charismatic little girl who got buried under the self hatred. Try it

    Sending you a lot of love and courage.

    S

    February 1, 2014 at 1:32 am #50105
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hello Eddie!

    You say that your “real personality” is angry, sad and bitter and that the cheerful part is the false one. I think that they are both equally false or real. The negative personality has also been created for the purpose of protecting you from hurt. It’s ironic, because it’s the very thing that ends up causing you hurt, not just by pushing people away, but by keeping you feeling hurt (as you tell yourself negative things about yourself). And when someone gets close to you, your defenses activate and you push them away, and it validates your belief that people abandon you.

    Those negative things that you tell to people are also “tricks up your sleeve” that you use to make others believe what you believe to be true, which is that you’d be worthless. That obviously isn’t true, but it’s something you’ve accepted as your truth. Accepting love can be very scary and painful as well, so sometimes holding onto the negative believes is like the saying “better the devil you know”. At least you’re in control. If you’d have to let go of that and open yourself to love and acceptance, you’d be totally exposed. I’m pretty sure your ego (these personalities you have created) would fight back. It’s like a self-defense mechanism that is willing to fight dirty if you try to turn it off. It’ll tell you that you’ll get hurt and you’re stupid if you trust and all kinds of things that will definitely hurt you and keep you from opening up.

    I have like a ton of thoughts about this subject, but the one advice I keep coming back to that seems to be the gentlest way to try to gain control is to take away the words. If you take away your words, your defenses can’t do anything. What you call your real personality is just a construct of the mind that requires words to exist. You define it with words and you tell yourself that you are a negative person, when in reality you’re probably neither negative nor positive. You just are. So when you start telling yourself that you’re this or that, just stop. Interrupt yourself. The more you interrupt yourself, the less this part of you will try to tell you anything. Then just be. Enjoy the silence and enjoy just being. You don’t need to counter the negative with a lot of positives, but just remove the negative for a while and live in a neutral space.

    Then I hope that you will start to accept that you are loved and lovable. I’m talking about the very spirit of you. You as a human being. Your behavior may dictate if you’ll have a lot of friendships and romantic love in your life, but unconditional love doesn’t care about the superficial. Unconditional love comes at the exact moment you believe that you deserve it and you want it. It has always been there.

    Like I said, I have a ton of ideas about this subject and it’s all clear in my head, but I’m not that sure if it comes across as a bit too sporadic 🙂 I hope not.

    February 2, 2014 at 10:57 am #50150
    SerenityDiva
    Participant

    Hi Eddie, .
    I am amazed to read all this! I am exactly like you. My thoughts, my feelings. People always love me at first but after a while they totally snub me. I generally think very badly about myself, I have a very low self esteem and a very traumatic past. Reading all this has given me hope. I am not the only one who goes through this, and from the respondents: I know where I can go for help, I had tried the psychiatrists but they only gave me drugs so I stoped going. I will get a therapist for sure. I too really want to have a family my own, but sadly my poor self esteem only brings me narcissistic psychopaths who abuse me and make me feel much worse about myself. I have been at my wits end for sometime now. I just gave up and sank deeper into self hatred. Thank you so much for your post, it is a lifeline for someone who desperately needs help.

    February 3, 2014 at 3:14 pm #50232
    Eddie
    Participant

    Wow thank you guys, your kind words and advice are a comfort to me and i hope that some day i’l be in a position to help someone else going through this, i’ve put as much as i can of the advice that i read here into practice and i’ve noticed an improvement pretty much immediately, i don’t dismiss every negative thought but i do try to catch as many as i can and evaluate whether or not they are of any value, if they aren’t, out they go and i replace them with something good.

    Just as an example a few days ago i was complimented on my work and my immediate reaction was to say something like “nah it’s not very good,” but i caught myself in time and just said “thank you,” afterward i felt really happy that i had just accepted this compliment without turning this positive experience into a negative one.

    It is very difficult, i do probably miss more negative thoughts than i catch but i expect it’s a learning process, i have a lot of hope i can change the way i’ve been thinking. Thank you all again.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Eddie.
    February 3, 2014 at 10:09 pm #50251
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Reading that just made me really happy 🙂 Oh, the possibilities and the amount of energy that can be released to a better use when one gets out of the self-imposed prison! I actually am really excited for you, even if I don’t know you 🙂

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by The Ruminant.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by The Ruminant. Reason: Are the quotes really the size of a cat or did I just break something? Eek! Taking away the quote
    February 9, 2014 at 3:30 pm #50592
    Joanna
    Participant

    Hi Eddie,

    I’ve definitely been there, and sometimes still find myself feeling this way. It has taken me a very long time to dig myself out of that dark cycle. I started meditating years ago when I simply couldn’t take feeling that way anymore. It offered some relief and although I wasn’t sure if it was going to last I kept doing it because it was a great alternative to medicine (which I had tried but never seemed to work). The best thing is to go talk to someone. It’ll help you find out WHY these feelings keep coming up and WHY you keep pushing people away. I think that’s the first step to getting over this (and you definitely can). It will take a lot of time, effort, and dedication to get through it but one day you’ll come out on the other side and be astonished that you were able to get to such a good place. Anytime anyone tried to get close to me I kept pushing them away and would eventually push them so far that they didn’t come back. Slowly I started letting people see the real me, and trust me the one’s who really care about you and believe in you will stay around during the dark times, just try not to dump all of your feelings onto someone. Friends are there to help you through the good as well as the bad, so it’s totally okay to let someone know you’re not feeling right. But you have to get help, because you’re just going to continue doing this to others but more importantly to yourself. I’m sure you’re in such a place where you can’t even imagine feeling any other way (I’ve been there), but I am living proof that IT GETS BETTER, you just have to put in the work. So your first step should be to set up an appointment with a counselor or psychologist, not a psychiatrist. And just start talking, let all that negativity out to someone who is a trained professional. Start exercising if you don’t, start eating right, start meditating, once a week, and then try doing it more often than that. Throw yourself into things, lose yourself. I promise it will get better.

    February 10, 2014 at 11:33 am #50682
    Jessica Caver Lindholm
    Participant

    Hi Eddie,
    I wish you all the best. Please let me know if I can help, you’re in a great space to share how you’re feeling without any worry of judgement. It’s ok to just be you but you also have to know that there’s no reason that you have to stay feeling this way. Sometimes it’s absolutely necessary (and a huge relief) to reach out for help. I’ve worked with various coaches throughout my life to help keep my thoughts in the highest place, to gain clarity, and to learn the value of just being me. I’m now a Freedom Coach myself and I mentor others to thrive in their lives.

    Something that I often tell my clients is that working with a coach (or therapist, psychologist, etc.) doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you, it means that nothing is wrong with you but that you’re tired of feeling like there is. Nothing is wrong with you. And I think that getting some good support and committing to shifting out of your current mindset would totally transform your life.

    All the best and please don’t hesitate to reach out if there’s anything I can help with.
    Jessica

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