Home→Forums→Tough Times→My life blew up, and now….
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jeena.
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October 5, 2014 at 5:07 pm #66014
MichaelParticipantThis is not me. I don’t talk about myself. I don’t share. I am open to others, always, but I have difficulty asking for help, showing how broken I am, showing pain to anyone. After a random google search I came across an article on this website titled, “How to Feel More Loved….” and it started to tear up. In public. Not at all me. It led me to the tiny Buddha website and writing this post. So, here’s my story…in short:
My wife died two years ago. It was cancer and she was 39. We’d been married for almost 7 years and had met when I was 31 and she was 30. Never thought I’d get married up until the day we met. We both fell hard and swiftly. We lived together, in real terms, within a month. No one has made me laugh, smile, or feel more comfortable than her. She brought me out of my head and I have her direction, an anchor. We made a life with friends, family, and everything else all intertwined and interdependent. A couple of months after she died everything started to calm down, no more phone calls checking up on me, no more once a week check in dinners, and everyone went back to their normal lives. Except me. I isolated myself. I never went back to my job. I used insurance money to wander, to travel, to run away.
After six month I had to really decide what I wanted. We were planning on me going back to school anyway so it seemed like the perfect direction to go. I had a very successful career for more than a decade in a field I was really good at but I truly hated (the cure of being good at something that you hate). I’ve always wanted to study psychology and anyone who’s ever spent more than ten minutes with me has always asked me what I hadn’t originally. So I did. I enrolled at the local community college because my previous college experience was less than exemplary. After three semesters of almost straight A’s I was accepted at a nearby university to complete my last four semesters. I thought, “Great! A new town. I can be whomever I want. It’s a college town, too. It should be lively and fun.”
Now I’m in a new town, a new apartment, and I feel more isolated than I have ever felt. I have no peers here. All the students are more than half my age. All my old friends have faded away. I often feel invisible. I can go days without talking to anybody. I’ll try to put myself in situations to meet people but nothing ever happens. Online dating is a wasteland. All my peers are either married (or divorced) and have kids and are well into their career. I don’t have much in common with them. I’m single, I don’t have kids, I don’t own a house or care about the stock market, I can big philosophical subjects not whether or not to buy my 12 year old an iPhone.
I’m living more in my head than ever. I’m not sure what I’m doing. I feel unmoored, without real purpose or connection. Now I’m sending this out to anonymous strangers but I could never tell someone else, who knows me, the depths of my true feelings…
October 6, 2014 at 6:57 am #66035
@Jasmine-3ParticipantHi Michael
Thanks for your post. I had to sit on it for a few hours. What a strong spirit you are ? Just amazing. There is so much clarity in your words but perhaps, you are not feeling the same clarity in your mind at this present moment.
I am so sorry for your loss. Life is so unpredictable and sometimes, it is hard to make sense of it all. However, from my personal experiences to date, it appears that we only get to deal with life situations that make us stronger and much better version of self. “A straight road doesn’t make skilful drivers”….and similarly, a life without painful incidents doesn’t create a compassionate and kind human being. Keep the happy memories of your wife and focus on what is – a whole life ahead of you waiting to unfold beautifully with other experiences and take you closer to the source of peace and calm that your heart seeks.
Could it be that finding meaningful relationships be difficult as you are still grieving and closed up in your shell ? When you have the strength to be just YOU – unique, quirky, different to 7 billion other humans – you might not feel so lonely and disconnected. Learn to open up when you meet people as there is no other person like you in this world. You are as unique as it gets so there is really no competition and there is no place for judgments, rejection or criticisms from anyone else. No one knows you better than YOU.
So start by being kind to yourself and I assure you that forming connections or making new relationships won’t seem like a difficult task in this new town. All of us are looking for authentic relationships but this starts with us – we need to become the most authentic version of self. Get into the habit of offering thanks to everything and everyone and soon the attitude of gratitude will lead to bigger and better things to be grateful about.
Sending you loads of positive energy and wish you all the best for your journey. A beautiful life is awaiting to unfold if you give yourself a chance to just BE.
Jasmine
October 7, 2014 at 7:39 am #66079
JodiParticipantYou’ve had some major life changes and took some pretty big leaps. Congratulations for having so much courage! After going through all you have gone through, feeling lonely is natural and normal. Be gentle with yourself as you go through those emotions. Give yourself time to grieve your old life so you can fully embrace the new one you have embarked on.
If you are ready to go out and meet people,check out meetup.com groups in your area. You can join groups that are based on things you are interested in and it will allow you to meet new friends. 4 years ago I uprooted my life in Florida to move to Charleston SC where I didn’t know anyone. I was able to find meet up groups for people interested in spirituality/wine tasting and various other interests I had. I now have a full, rich social circle and a wonderful relationship with a man who has helped me get past a lot of past hurts in relationships. Once you get ready, meet up is a wonderful resource for connecting with new people. And lastly, enjoy the process of reinventing yourself and you’ll be surprised at all of the beautiful things your new life holds for you! Good luck!
~Jodi
October 7, 2014 at 10:13 am #66085
jeenaParticipant@indyblue
Hi MichaelYour life story has touched my heart. My heart goes out to you. I can’t even imagine the pain you must feel. I think you are in good hands with all the great advice I see here. I am going through those same feelings. Not to the extent of your pain, but we have a lot of similiarities. It’s actually quite shocking.
October 8, 2014 at 5:37 am #66117
ChrisParticipantMichael,
I read this post a few days ago and you’ve been on my mind since. I’m so sorry for your loss and your sense of isolation. I agree with Jasmine-3, that you are still grieving and it is difficult to reach out. Sometimes our wounds are so deep that we blind ourselves from the pain yet it still exists. And now you are in a school situation where you don’t have contact with people who share your life experience. Not the ideal position to be in but it is what it is.
It’s good that you are reaching out. I think it would be good for you to be around people who can empathize with you, understand you and support you. This is how we heal, by feeling accepted, loved and understood. Perhaps a local group for folks who have lost their spouse and forums like this. It’s healthy.
You are not alone. Heal well and know that nothing is permanent.
October 18, 2014 at 2:40 pm #66427MichaelParticipantI truly appraiate everyone’s response to my post. Like I said, I wrote it spur of the moment and it’s very unlike me to be that unguarded (truthful) about how I feel.
Jasmine-3, your words actually threw me for a couple of days. I read them several time and was moved by them. I don’t think I can recognize at all how far along I am, how clear I am, or to true extent of my own pain. I think I can only hear the echoes, the shadows of everything that has happened. The funny thing is that I’m starting to realize that this experience has actually softened my heart rather than hardened it. I tear up other little things now and that would never have happened to me before. While I was compassionate before, my heart now overflows with compassion for those in pain and there are a lot of souls in pain out there.
However, I think I’ve used that new compassion, that new love, for other people and have never really focused it back on myself. I really don’t think I’ve been very kind to myself as I look back.
It’s funny, about a month after my wife died I went on a long road trip. Completely by myself with no real destination. For some reason, I kept listening to the Sting album …Nothing Like the Sun, which came out my senior year of high school. Particularly the line from song The Lazarus Heart kept ringing in my ears for days and maybe week:
“There was a wound in his flesh so deep and wide
From the wound a lovely flower grew
From somewhere deep inside”It’s funny, I completely forgot about that up until the moment I was writing this.
Jodi, I think you are right. I don’t think that I am nearly as gentle to myself as I need to be. If this happened to someone else I would be much more kind and patient with them than I am with myself.
Jeena, thanks for the encouragement. I truly hope you are doing well with your own feelings.
Chris, I think your are right also, I don’t think I recognize that what I’m feeling is an extension of my grieving.
…I’m hoping that lovely flow blooms soon.
October 18, 2014 at 10:13 pm #66441
TirParticipantMichael, there are years that ask questions and years that provide answers. We can never be sure how trauma separates us from ourselves. Your words reminded me of the old saying that sometimes the thing we need the most, we seek from others when we should be seeking it from ourselves. Grief and sadness can’t be the ties that bind with others so you aren’t bonding because you are in years that ask the questions. Who are you now? Where are you going? What can you give to others and what can you receive? If you can’t list the same thing for these two lists, you aren’t ready for healthy fulfilling relationships with others so just go to a few meet ups and join a book club and smile at strangers and remember that you deserve kindness, love and compassion…especially from yourself. Don’t force yours,ef to do what you think you should. That is way too much pressure on yourself. Be kind to you, be patient with you and know that you aren’t really alone. You have friends, you just need to find them. I met my best friend at the age of 32. We are never too old to find our heart families.
October 19, 2014 at 12:32 am #66445@Jasmine-3ParticipantThanks everyone.
Hi Michael @indyblue
Lovely flower will bloom soon. Have faith in yourself and start sowing the seed of love and kindness 🙂
Jasmine
October 20, 2014 at 12:37 pm #66519 -
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 