My life

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This topic has 18 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.

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October 11, 2016 at 5:41 pm #117835

Anonymous
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Growing up through school? elementary was fine I guess…had some friends and I was always there for them but once junior high happened? I was mostly alone. Got bullied although I deserved it, I loved to egg people on. Always the fat kid aswell since grade 4.

October 11, 2016 at 5:51 pm #117837

Anonymous
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Oh right, I was in the special classes since grade 6 like the resource room as the teachers knew I had some type of “learning disability”, then high school was in the pre employment program (gone now) and we were always reminded of how we were only going to be a cook or do some job we hated and made no money because we were dumb people and had no future. But I work in a grocery store making $20 an hour, so I guess i’m doing better then what I was told…hey once again being called dumb and people telling me (and the rest of us) we were no good! but I do hate that job. Before this job I’ve been at for 11 years I was a janitor at a mall downtown…sssuuuccckkkeeeddd!!!! who wants to be a janitor? *does not raise his hand*. Had some perks though, met some cool people and this 1 woman I felt like I was in love at first sight, she always smiled at me. Took me years to get over her…wonder how she’s doing now? now at the current job I’ve met some awesome people aswell.

October 11, 2016 at 6:28 pm #117844

Anonymous
Inactive

I met this woman at the current job i’m at who quit who’s been amazing to me, known her since I started 11 years ago. She’s 37 but looks early 20’s! she quit back at the end of July, and I have went into a deep depression and i’m STILL in it! even though we still text on a regular basis somewhat (last week every day, nothing this week) and have hung out a few times but we were never close at all at the job and have been muuuuuuch closer since she quit. I made a thread about her in the tough times section. Anyway a good buddy of mine was quitting to move back to be with his little kid and I never got an invite to his going away party from the person planning it (he could not make it though, was taking ferry that night), so I got really triggered! like I was bawling like a baby going home hiding my eyes with my glasses so nobody sees me cry. Could not take my life anymore so I decided to walk to this mountain I hike up with a knife in my backpack and take my life…decided for some reason to post it on facebook that I was pondering taking my life and my work all then knew what I was going to do, but the woman wanted my phone number to text or call and meet up for a coffee as her ex of 17 years was like this aswell. So we started texting…a lot! like 2 times a day, then 1, then 1 every 3 days, then once a week and now it’s just random.

We went for a few coffees to talk, one was almost 4 hours long! the other was 1 hour almost because she was driving me to the doctors to tell him about this and get some anti depressants, which after I asked her if we could take a walk, so we walked along the water and sat on a rock. She took my picture, she liked the moment apparently and even posted that is was a good day on her facebook (she never posts personal updates). I felt amazing that day! because I got to spend all that time with her! Anyway I got my anti depressants the next day but started overdosing on them throughout the week! She text if I was going to go alone or if she was going, so I asked if she wanted to come and she told me she would be honored…the day I was going to the doctors? she text me if we were going to meet anywhere, told her just the doctors..i was not feeling the greatest, so we met up at the doctors and I told her and him that I took all the pills in those 6 days, the doctor looked at me concerned asking if it was to take my life…I was like nope, just wanted to make them work faster (lol that was not the reason and I only took 15, not 30 I lied to them both) and if I wanted to die I would have tried to take them all in 1 shot. He took my blood pressure and it was 199/99 and he had to call an ambulance to pick me up, she came to the hospital with me for a little…it was her 37th birthday the next day and she had a dinner waiting for her a few hrs later, I was there for 5 hours!

A few days later I text her the truth! that it was only 15, was looking to get another 30 so I could overdose and hopefully die. Felt bad and was planning on taking time away from her for a long while so I could get better. Never happened, she came into my work a few times that week to say hey to everyone and shop, still text me aswell so it looked like my plan was not going to happen, so I just keep messaging her still. Told the doc the truth aswell when I saw him the week after and gave me a new subscription…but I lied again! plan is now to get up atleast 4 months worth of pills and hopefully die off that! So I need 3 more bottles aka 3 more months of pills to wait. She keeps asking about me seeing someone to talk to and I keep saying I am planning to but I’m not going to be doing it, i’ll just collect the pills and tell everyone i’m fine if they ask which they don’t.

October 11, 2016 at 6:52 pm #117853

Anonymous
Inactive

A few weeks ago I sat at this rock me and the woman I just mentioned were at beside the ocean and was listening to the waves for 2 hours without moving. Just listening, watching the people go by, thinking to myself…in that time? I found out something I never knew, it just hit me and I wrote it down:

“The world lied to me! it’s NOT about making people happy, it’s about making yourself happy only.
Nobody is there for you except yourself, you are alone, everyone else is worried about everyone else and themselves being happy, you don’t matter to them unless you’re helping them be happy.”.

I sat on my bed all depressed that I don’t wanna believe this garbage! and been trying to ignore it to even this day! I wanna help people…I KNOW for a fact i’ll never be happy so I want everyone else to be happy. Been feeling this way longer then 2 weeks though, but most of it is from the past 2 weeks. I just donated $5000 to someone I’ve not seen since I was a kid so she can get her pump for her diabetes as she will die if she does not get it and the government wont help out. I don’t do it because I want karma points though…but that girl that’s been helping me out text me she read it and she was crying for what I did and how much of a sweet soul I have got and It’s true I am an angel, told her i’d do the same for her if she ever needed it and i’m always here for you and that I meant it, always. Anyway I had a meetup on Saturday with that woman I gave the money to, there was 25 of us and it was a good time, got drunk and was loud. Most of the people there I had not seen since I was a small kid so was a little nervous until I started drinking the booze. Been drinking the booze ever since…i’m STILL drinking.

I had another trigger, i was supposed to have a coffee with that woman again this week, she text me last week she would text me when she was available…never did! her sister was having a baby a few days ago but she was going to an event today and bringing her friends with her until it sold out. Thought we were friends? I never get invites, I always got to ask, but I never ask as we never hang out unless it’s a coffee because of my stupid problem. I got a problem where I feel like people will be annoyed if I ask to hang out, even if they never seem to have a problem with me when we are actually hanging out. It’s a problem i’m always going to have and why i’m always going to feel alone in this world. Anyway I guess that’s it for now…

October 11, 2016 at 7:36 pm #117861

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear blckhwkdwn1:

This is anita. My original account was deleted (not by me) and I am using a temporary account.

Thank you for sharing parts of your life story. You are unfortunate to have been born to that woman and that man. Wish you had kind, loving parents. If you had a different set of parents, or at least one good parent, your life story would be different, and so would your sister’s.

A child needs at least one good parent, a decent parent and you had none. There is nothing wrong with you and you are not dumb. Only unfortunate.

I was unfortunate myself, didn’t have one good parent. You are not alone, unfortunately, no matter how alone you feel. Do post again, anytime you feel like it.

anita

October 11, 2016 at 7:51 pm #117864
Alien incident47
Participant
Don’t ever let someone’s opinion be your reality not even your own opinion of your self . You were never thought how to love but yet you have a heart filled with love. Your sister acts out because she is seeking love yet she dose not know how to , and perhaps she is finding a false love. Don’t give up on her . On here you are working on yourself so you are on a right path good luck to you
- This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Alien incident47.
October 11, 2016 at 9:07 pm #117870

Anonymous
Inactive

This is why in my other thread I said i feel like poison and I’m supposed to suffer.

October 12, 2016 at 7:32 am #117904

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear pete:

“I feel like poison” you wrote, but you are not poison. You feel like you are “supposed to suffer”- but you are not supposed to suffer.

Behind every feeling we have there is a valid, true message. The messages you came up with are not the valid, true messages. Children incorrectly conclude, when childhood is scary and painful, that they are the cause of it. This is the natural thinking of a child but it is incorrect thinking.

You did not poison your mother and father: they were poisoned by their parents and passed it on to you. And so you were the victim of their poison, and this, I believe, is the valid message.

anita

October 12, 2016 at 9:31 am #117914

Anonymous
Inactive

Why am I pete now?

October 12, 2016 at 9:38 am #117916

Anonymous
Guest

Dear blckhwkdwn1:

It reads “pete” under the Buddha face on your posts. I thought you intended to make the change but you didn’t? Could be a glitch of sorts.

anita

October 12, 2016 at 10:15 am #117924

Peter
Participant

Memories are stories we tell ourselves about our past – John Slattery

I believe we become the stories we tell ourselves and must learn to discern the difference between a memory that has become our story and a story that contains references to memory.

Readying your life it appears to me that painful memory of the past has become your present story.

You are stuck.

Memory is a trickster. Many unconsciously assume that they remember things as they happened even the motivation and expenses of others as that appear as part of that memory. We are almost always wrong. Consciousness is has a very limited bandwidth and tends to focus attention to very specific aspects of our experiences. We can never know the whole story.

I do not mean to imply that the negative experiences you had didn’t happen to you. Instead I’m hoping, that by understanding that you can’t know the whole story, you can create some space, some breathing room that might allow for grace – For yourself and others, but here I think more importantly for yourself.

It would be my hope that you realize that the memories of our past does not have to define the story of your experience today.

I highly recommend the books
‘Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, ‘and
‘Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success’
– both by Kerry Patterson

Both processes start by owning the stories we tell ourselves, which when we do improves the conversations we can have with others and ourselves (self-talk).

We become the stories we tell, so tell a good one.

October 13, 2016 at 1:52 pm #118040

Anonymous
Inactive

Yep so..i’m pretty much done with people now. I shut down at work today, just ignored people talking to me or zoned out of what they said. I’m done with this wanting to make people happy bullshit because nobody gives a fuck about me! so why give a fuck about them?I always see people hanging out but nobody wants to hang out with me, fuck em! fuck em all! Not even going to listen to that chick about “councelling”…although if she knew how much I liked her I bet my life she would split lol. I’m just going to keep going to the doctors until I get 120 pills and peace out. Literally…ALL I want is a friend! Someone who I can talk to about anything, and wants to hang out on a regular basis aswell as text…da fuck? meh….not this life.

October 13, 2016 at 3:08 pm #118045

Anonymous
Inactive

I literally just cried since I posted that non stop…even smashed my head into the wall a few times, can’t even breathe through my nose. I literally LITERALLY could not stop crying…FFS!

October 13, 2016 at 7:24 pm #118056

Anonymous
Guest

Dear blckhwkdwn1:

You are having a tough time. I had times like that and I survived them and have a better life now. It can be so for you too.

You are having a difficult, difficult time, feeling a lot of pain and anger, frustration and despair.

Anytime you feel like hurting yourself, please check into a hospital, and emergency clinic; call Emergency (911) or a hotline (see “Free Resources” on the Home Page of this website). There is no one on this Forum acting here as a professional of any kind; no one here equipped to handle members who express thoughts of self harm.

To feel better, to improve your life, to make a good life for yourself, as good as possible, there are steps to take. One step at a time.

Living with a father who yells at you and puts you down is unhealthy for you. One of the steps to take would be to move out and never again live with a person who yells at you and otherwise abuses you.

Going to psychotherapy with a competent therapist, one who is empathetic and has your best interest at heart, is another step. In therapy, you will learn to be nice to yourself, first and foremost.

You wrote above that you are tired of “wanting to make people happy”- an important step is to focus on you, on improving your own well being, not others’!

This suffering you experience, this intense suffering, I remember I used to think that if I suffer that much, someone will help me. If someone did something for me, it seemed to me like nothing. That was because I needed SO MUCH help, the little I received seemed too little. I was also angry, angry about suffering alone, angry that people don’t do MORE for me.

The sad reality is that at any time, including right now, as you are reading this, millions and millions of people are suffering intensely. I am not suffering tonight. Not tonight. But I did, many, many nights for many years. And I don’t know when I will suffer again, but as Clint Eastwood said in Unforgiven, the movie: “We all have it coming.”

Calm down best you can. Life can get better and it will. The calmer you get, the faster your life will improve. Post again, anytime. (Please no F words/ profanity and no self harm writing)!

anita

October 15, 2016 at 1:04 am #118227

blackburn
Participant

Dear pete ,

said to hear all about what pete u described, my well wishes be with you
agrees with Anita.
i believe you(pete) is living in past or your main focus is what happened in past and i believe that is what altering your life
i suggest you to think of the moment you are living not about future nor about past this moment , there are many people having more worse times than you still they are fighting.
in my opinion stop seeking love or approval of someone else for yourself, love yourself as the way you are , do what makes you feel good

pray and stay connected to ALLAH, HE listens to everyone who try to reaches HIM.
may ALLAH bless u and give u more power
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