I’ve never been in this situation and though I am married I haven’t been married for as long as you have, so please understand I am a novice and that when I give you advice it is from my own modest resources.

I’ve read what you’ve written a few times and what I can see is that while he has committed misdeeds in the past, he has basically been good to you. He has been faithful to you, he provides for your materially and he is good to your children.

With that in mind I have to ask, has he really lied to you? He made vows to you which he has kept. He presented himself as a ‘good’ human being who would treat you well and he has done so. In that way he hasn’t cheated you or represented himself dishonestly.

It isn’t clear from what you have written, but did you sit down and have a conversation where you said ‘Have you ever had an affair’ or ‘How many people have you slept with’ and then he gave you a dishonest representation of the facts? If that is the case, then yes he has lied and I can see why you are angry. In that case he has shaken your trust and that is hard to get back.

If not, if you didn’t ask him specifics before your marriage then really he hasn’t lied to you at all. I acknowledge that he hasn’t been straight forward either and it would have been better and wiser for him to clue you in on his past.

It seems at the route of this situation is that you are uncomfortable with the nature his past actions rather then with the issue of deceit? Am I correct to assume that?

So lets say that we hypothetically rewind the clock back. He offers marriage but reveals everything he has done in the past. You are horrified and you say no and you go your separate ways.

Would the future have been any better? You may have found someone else, but there is no way to be certain of that. Maybe you would have found someone, but as most of us have baggage it is likely they would have come with their own set of problems. You wouldn’t have the lovely children you have now. Perhaps his future wouldn’t be bright either. Perhaps he would be with someone who didn’t support him and would fall back into his negative ways?

I would try to focus, mentally, on the fact that your husband appears to be repentant for the past. The fact he has changed his ways suggests strongly that he is striving to be a better man and I think that is admirable. I would focus on feelings of gratitude for the things he has provided you with both material and emotional.

If you can, talk to him, but do it calmly and without anger or bitterness so you don’t drive him away. Talk to him about how he feels about what he has done.

I truly hope you can save your marriage and your inner peace.

I’m really glad that things are looking better for you.

You are kind to say I am smart. I’m not at all, it is just so much easier to see your way around other people’s problems because I am viewing them from a distance and objectively. I wish I could deal with my own life that simply!

What you wrote in your most recent comment reminded me of something I was told that one of the teachers in my tradition used to say. He used to say ‘Be gentle with yourself’.

I think there is a lot of wisdom in that and I really think you need to be gentle with yourself and just let go of this situation. You’ve made it clear that you are a perfectionist and it does seem like you are just beating yourself up. You are a human being with all the flaws that go with that. You had some feelings, it’s natural. You are trying to move on, so be gentle with yourself.

I have also read somewhere that we have to learn to forgive ourselves before we can forgive others. I think there is a lot of wisdom in that too. I think that if we can’t forgive ourselves it’s because we hold ourselves against a too high standard of perfection or perfect behaviour. We think we should be doing this or thinking that and we berate ourselves if we don’t.

This has at least two negative outcomes. Firstly we get stuck in a negative spiral in the way we think about ourselves. This is unwise because it makes us feel rotten and it is demotivating. It’s hard to do anything positive when we are constantly putting ourselves down.

I also think that if we can’t forgive ourselves, we can’t forgive others because secretly on some level we hold them to the same standard that we do ourselves. If we do that not only are we going to never move on from negative situations, but in the future we are going to be constantly disappointed in others too.

That was a rather long winded way of saying, don’t be so hard on yourself! I hope you can be kinder to yourself.

Dear Melissa
I have just come across your dilemma after googling for advice on a remarkably similar problem that i also have.
I too am in a relationship with 2 children with a partner that has lied and cheated his way through life. He was married to a stripper who he told me he was divorced from when we got together then 6 months into my first pregnancy i found out he was still married to her. I forgave him, he finally got a divorce 2 years later and we continued our life together then after our second child last year i found out that he had been looking at porn sites and other women on facebook behind my back,then more i discovered a secret bank account of his that he receives money illegally into it, then i found out that he used to live here in my home town (he is from another country) with his wife and mother and father. So for nearly 5 years he has got all of his family and friends and partners etc to lie to me to cover his tracks and the worst is that he didnt even need to lie to me, why would i care that he used to live here before we even knew each other. He made be believe that after we met and he decided to move to this country to be with me it was such a big deal, he made me feel that i was so special to give up his ‘great life’ as he says to move to another country to be with me which was complete rubbish as he has already lived here for many years with his wife! I know that he continuously cheated and had affairs behind his wife’s back, he was a frequent customer of strip clubs, he used to be a strip club manager and even now he doesnt see anything wrong with going to those places even though he hasnt been since we got together (or at least i think). Its as if he has no morals, marrying strippers, lying for years to the mother of his children, receiving money illegally, porn, gambling the list goes on….. If i knew these things before we got together there is no way i would of got with him and settled down with him and most importantly had children with him. I do feel like i am better then him, i feel that i deserve better then this, i am a good person, I have always worked even with 2 small children and little family support, i have never lied to him. He now works away a few nights a week and i cannot stop thinking that he must be visiting strip clubs or hookers i just cannot allow myself to trust him again. He has never cheated on me, he doesnt go out without my socially, he tries so hard to provide for us financially and i do believe that he loves me but it doenst feel enough. I feel constantly irritated and angry with him for what he has done in the past, i am always thinking that he must of seen and been with some amazing looking women im sure being a strip club manager he has all sorts of sexual experiences and when i look at myself even though i am slim and attractive i just cannot accept that i am enough to please him. He shuts down when i try to talk to him about his past i want to know everything about him but also i know that when i do know it will only make me more disgusted with him, i do believe that deep down he is a good person now and maybe he has changed but i cannot help but feel cheated into thinking he was something that he isnt. I cannot ‘let go’ of his past, if we are watching tv and a stripper comes on in a programme i run to the kitchen as i cannot bear to see them and imagine him in that lifestyle of working around gorgeous naked bodies all day where sex was probably on tap for him being the club manager. I would never strip for him or dress sexy as i feel that there is no way i can measure up to a professional. I feel so tortured by my feelings of insecurity. If he had cheated on me i know i would walk but because he hasnt and he is a good dad and acts like a changed man since i found out his lies i feel stuck in an emotional dilemma, how do i accept his past and that it has nothing to do with me in the here and now or is it my inner voice, soul that is screaming at me to get out and find someone better. I feel that inner nagging feeling again like there is still more to discover, either that or now im just completely paranoid and so depressed its in my head….

If misery loves company, then I am here for you ladies as well. I’m a husband with a very similar story.
My wife and I have been married for 23+ years. We have two beautiful daughters who are now in high school and college. I feel so very blessed in so many ways.
While I had dated several women, I had never “gone all the way” with anyone. Close. I’m not a prude or overly religious at the time. Just somewhat shy and introverted – and it just never happened. In the looks department, I’m average. Not a head turner. Okay, maybe a little. But a good guy inside and out who, at 52, still runs and stays in shape. My wife, she’s gorgeous. She’s been told that she should have been a model. She looks like a petite Julia Roberts. And, she’s incredibly smart. I tell her that she should have gone to law school the way she can absorb books and information. Also at 52, she eats very well (vegetarian) and looks like she’s in her late 30’s or 40’s. Our two daughters have inherited their mother’s great looks.
When I met my wife, we were both in our mid-20’s and met at an outdoor jazz concert. I’m a very old-fashioned, romantic guy – and I loaned her my jacket. And I was smitten. Bad. A few weeks later, I mustered enough courage to ask her to a movie. After the movie, I played it safe and asked if she was seriously dating anyone and she said “Actually, I am.” I was stunned. I thought, “Then what are you doing here with me?!” And “What would he think of your being here with me?!”
Game over. I took off – completely weirded out. Next.
A year later, a mutual friend got married. I must have turned her head as she pursued me over the course of the reception. Nothing happened. A day or so later, she called and asked me out. I found out much later that she was still seeing the same guy from before – but it was ending. Again, what would he have thought of her doing this?! We went out several times and, during this second phase, she invited me to stay over – and I lost my virginity. She did tell me prior to sleeping together that she’d had an abortion, has herpes and was still seeing a therapist for an eating disorder. When I asked, “How many guys have you been with?” she would respond with “Does it really matter?!”
Hmmmm.
We never ended up being “exclusive” (I was still cautious of her) and we stopped seeing each other. I dated other women (no sex). I know she went back to her former fiancé from college days for a time.
Fast forward, we got back together the following year, dated for a little under a year and were married about a half year later. I thought she was fun, smart, beautiful and – even though she had told me about 5-6 previous boyfriends that she had had sex with – she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But she would never reveal her number and would get very defensive whenever asked.
You can guess where this is going.
Like any married couple, we had two beautiful children, the sex waned, but we were happy. And yet, while she knew she was my only partner, she would never tell me her number. I learned to rarely ask. But it bothered me not knowing.
While we’re both quiet people and never really argue (really!), we had a somewhat heated conversation about nine months ago. Of course, the root of it was the unanswered “her number” question festering for more than two decades. Over the years, she had admitted to dating “a lot” of guys (small wonder; she’s gorgeous) and let an additional guy or two slip out whom she had had sex with. By the time of this discussion, I was guessing her number was around 11. A lot more than I was comfortable with. Again, I asked her number and again she responded with “What does it matter – why do you keep asking?!” To which I asked, “Well, it’s less than, say, 20, yes?” And she paused and said, “No, it’s not.”
I had never been so shocked in my life.
Eventually, shock turned to anger. Anger to disappointment. Disappointment to frustration.
Pushing her for answers (not always the best tactic), she claims to have been with “no more than 30 men” – not sure as “I may have counted some guys twice.” Some were long-term relationships. Others were one-nighters. Some were in club parking lots. She went clubbing a lot in her twenties. She then, curled up in a shell like an armadillo and stopped sharing. Still, the porn movie starring her with other guys continually ran over and over in my head.
Our only saving grace has been our faith – and keeping our family intact. Our daughters have no idea this is going on. None. We’re both Christian (I’m not banging the pulpit here in any way) and both have been baptized. She claims to have never strayed on me – or anyone.
Side note: we both were friends of her ex-fiancé on Facebook. When she refused to tell me anymore info, I asked him. Yes, stupidly. But I wanted answers. He claims her number was “around 45” at the end of college. Even before her wild clubbing days. And that she strayed on him. And loved to have sex outdoors. Okay, enough. She found out he and I were talking and he’s since been unfriended by us both.
Still I feel that her withholding her number from me was pure deception. It kept me from making a fully informed decision when I chose to propose. After nine tortuous months, I have chosen to love her – unconditionally. And she’s been picking up on it and has come out of her shell a little bit every day.
So, how do you see her behavior? Was she being deceptive? My biggest battle now is trying to not see her in a whole new (sluttier) light. And, what do you make of her ex-fiancé’s claims? He really has nothing to gain nor lose by painting her as a slut. And please, no “the past is the past” lines. When this type of news gets dumped in your lap like a bucket of toxic waste, it’s right here and now.
Thanks.

Thanks, Anita. Perhaps I should start a new discussion/thread?