Another book that was really helpful to me was The Voice Of Knowledge by Don Miguel Ruiz.
I had to read it 3 times to get the whole message through to my ego brain, but once it took hold, the way I look at the entire world changed!

It helped me see that my personal view of the world is just that. Mine. And the rest of the world is doing the exact same thing. Seeing things through their perspective.
Where I was going astray was assuming that my view of the world (how I wanted things to be) was better, right, and I had attached myself to it. So when things didn’t go that way, I felt pain. It is astounding to realise that billions of people are all doing the same thing. Self awareness gave me something to tie into to. That we are all connected, but not by our own personal views of the world, but by something much bigger.

Personal views. There is a chapter in the book that explains watching your life on a movie screen. You can sit in the theatre, and watch yourself from your point of view. It looks just like it should, to you.

If someone else came into the theatre, like your mother, they might disagree on the view. That’s not really how you are! Your closest friend would also say “that’s not you”.

The truth is, people only see glimpses of us, during the time we spend with them. And they form their own opinion of who you are based on those short interactions. No one person has watched your “movie” from the second you were born , and since they can’t also hear your thoughts, they would never get the full movie, and no one person can KNOW you or your story. Besides, they are busy directing their own stories, movies. Trying to get everyone in their movie to act a certain way. Including you. They interact with you for awhile, and they form their own opinion, based on their own life experiences, and history.

In our movie, we want the people to act a certain way. We are the directors, after all. They come into our “focus”, into our movie, and we want it all to play out according to our script. It’s our story. But it’s an impossible task, since they are doing the SAME thing in their minds. And we don’t really know them, do we?

Can you see where I had a lightning bolt moment? I am causing myself suffering — feeling pain and loss because the actors in my movie just won’t see things my way?
They cannot even begin to see my story the way I do, since every single person is unique. No two people have the same experiences, history.

This is where I decided that YES, it’s my story. And since I am the director, then I get to make it whatever I want! I started to look at people differently. It wasn’t so personally wounding anymore. They were just trying to get LIFE to fit into their movie too! I could not see any possible way I could ‘win’ at getting others to see my point of view, my story, my movie. Then one day, I had the thought: And what if I did? Who was I to think that MY way was better?

This is where I got stuck for awhile. The Intimacy Factor booked helped me to understand what I was seeking by trying to make others see my point of view. I was also adopted. I had some childhood issues ingrained, the CD behavior was the result of it. I had not felt accepted, that I was good enough, and I was still trying to prove to the world that I was.

It’s not that I “fixed” this, I just accepted it. That’s what it is. Okay. So now what? What’s missing from ‘me’ that I feel the need to prove my way is better? My own sense of self worth. My parents never told me “you are good enough just the way you are and deserving of love”. So I gave that gift to myself. I grew up thinking things were never good enough, and I had to fix them to make them better, so I would get approval! It helped me to feel very peaceful, and greatly eased my urge to fix other people.

Di

Maille, I’m so sorry for all your pain. I read your other thread again, and I’m still thinking that he was \ is too afraid to do what you wanted — to get to the core of your issues and look inside.

Most people in life don’t do the internal work. It’s very scary. You asked, you lead him, and he chose the easy road. He would prefer to live in denial. Also, since he made that choice, he’s had 2nd thoughts and regrets. Thus the contacting you. I would not be so sure he is not suffering. I know of a few people in my circle of friends that have gone through this. It is comparable to asking an alcoholic to quitting drinking, or you will leave them. It’s not that they don’t love you… they don’t love themselves enough to believe they can be the person you want. They feel they are setting YOU free, as they would just hold you back from your true potential.

Yes, that should be your decision to make. And it still is. What if you were to discuss with him that really, it was you,that ended the relationship? You made a choice. You wanted the relationship to follow the path of enlightenment, and he chose not to do so. It was kind of an ultimatium. I’m speaking of the recent texts, where he didn’t respond and said he only wanted to be friends? In that case, it falls to realizing he is on his own path, and you can send him your blessing?

The karma reference — I thought the same thing! But I have found that helping others (since I like to do that anyways!) might be where I was supposed to make amends. Love is something you are supposed to give. The act of giving is how we feel loved. Another lesson I had to learn 🙂 So I guess the karma would be that you will be denied if you ASK, as one is meant to GIVE instead. I like to think of it that way as opposed “I tried to control people”. Yes, I did. I was doing my best, the way I knew how. I learned from it, and I learned a better way. Does that not forgive the karma? I also forgave myself.

Do you use affirmations? There are some excellent ones on the net about forgiving yourself and putting past issues behind you. I’ll look for it, if you are interested. It can also be used in a meditation, as it’s a visual “cut the cord” to the past.

I can relate to feeling like you are going to explode. Please take care of yourself, and know that there is nothing you cannot handle. One moment at a time. Peace.

Hi Donna
I can really relate to what you wrote about frustration at wanting to control the world!!
I’m sorry things are not going so well for you, a new environment can be difficult!

I did not have much luck with boundaries either, until I started just not really “talking” about them, but calmly just DOING them. It’s not easy to be around someone who is negative all the time. I know this sounds bad, but I started limited my “interactions”. I would sit in the same room every evening, but plug in headphones to my computer, listen to relaxing music and read, or do meditations. The time to myself was a hard habit to break, but it is what made a big difference! Affirmations also helped to keep me from “thinking” all the time about how to control things.

Really working hard on my sense of self worth is key for me. I have built myself up to believe I am strong, capable, and in control of my life. Which satisfies my need to control… I just turned it towards me. I feel like I have the “power” I wanted, I told myself that I do. I use it to DECIDE.

I have a process I use.
Someone may say something negative.
I decide if it’s true or not, for me. (I’m not always rude, or don’t care about anything, for example)
If it’s not true, then I decide to nod, and allow them to feel whatever they are feeling.
And I decide NOT to allow their negativity to affect me.
I still say it out loud.
That is not how I feel. Feelings are like radio waves in the air. I will let those ones pass me by. I decide not to focus in on those ones, and I will “tune in” to my own good feelings.

The drinking is still an issue for me. I get anxious about it, and I think I will for a long time. I tell myself over and over that he is free to do whatever he wants with his life.
It is slowly becoming easier.

Harmony,
Christmas Carols! That sounds like a great idea! I might try that 🙂 I can relate to realising it is a waste of time and energy to analyze everything 🙂 I feel so much more free since I’ve stopped doing that so much! It was like it clicked for me that I didn’t have to fight everything anymore. I just tried to tell myself to just accept it. It is what it is. And its not so bad, after all. Really.

I can also relate to the “stranger” in my house LOL! I still sometimes ponder “are we going to stay together or not?”. But I never give myself an answer. I know I am not emotionally attached in ways I used to be. I feel like I can choose to tune in to it, or not. Somedays I have to tune out. Spend time away. Then I feel stronger 🙂

I found myself feeling anxious, icky, negative the other day. So I sat on my bed and asked myself “WHAT” was I feeling? Anger. Why was I angry? Because he got something I wanted. So really I was jealous. Once I admitted what it really was, it went away pretty easily. I’m going to try doing that more often! It’s a new concept for me. Listening to my feelings. And just accepting it, without judging me or others. Hopefully I will get better with practice. “_

Harmony, I’m glad to hear from people as well! It felt like I was the only one going through this, and since it’s a personal journey, I have been surprised to hear familiarity from anyone else!

“I’m not okay with that” is a simple place to start. So is “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

Like me, you may discover that standing up for yourself has an interesting cause and effect. In my case, I could almost “see” the respect on my H’s face when I did it.

I dont know if this would help you, but I did actually tell my H that I had decided that I owned my own sense of self worth, and I was willing to defend it, if necessary.

I used the “true, not true” a lot with him for a few weeks. This is where you ask true or not true of statements others make about you, who you are as a person, or what they perceive you to be. We had similar conversations over and over. “I accept that you may see me uncaring, or xxxxxxx You are free to do that. It’s not true for me, but I am sorry you feel that way”.

It was a way that I could assert myself without being confrontational about it. And I was making it clear that what I thought about myself was NOT in his control. Which was my goal. It also helped me to see where I was really truly following my values. Because sometimes the answer was “true”, I was not behaving according to my own values. It is good feedback for me, in a way. BTW he has started doing this himself, with co-workers.

As for the drinking… it is my H’s source of failure, shame, and yet his coping mechanism to numb the pain of failure and shame.
I know he feels powerless as well. I went to a few Al-Anon meetings. I stick to that. I won’t cover up, enable, or help in anyway.

Something else I struggle with.
as a husband, the drinking is a dealbreaker.
as a person, I care about him, and he is doing his best. Compassion instead of judgment.

It’s true, for me, to say that a person with an active addiction is not capable of being in a healthy relationship. So it’s a boundary for me, to invest relationship emotions in someone who is not capable of returning the partnership.

That translates for me, into caring about the person he is, but “firing” him as a husband. Expectations removed, it just is what it is.