Di,

Congratulations on turning inward and working on understanding who you are and what you’re doing here! It is very noble to wish to share awareness with your loved one. Cultivating awareness is something that happens slowly over time. As you learn about yourself and grow, it is no wonder you want to share the beauty you see with him. Unfortunately, sometimes heads can be so full of “stuff” that additional information only makes it more difficult rather than easier. From the way your husband responds to you, it seems like he doesn’t have the space for the philosophy/ideas you’re presenting.

Instead of teaching him awareness, you can use yours to help him open up the space. Consider that his anger, for instance, is very painful for him… and fills his head with a mishmash of thoughts that cycle around. When you say it leads to arguments means that you are sinking toward him instead of helping! What we can do instead is intentionally give to him in the face of his suffering. Generosity is the root of buoyant joyfulness, so in giving to him, you also nourish the roots of Di’s tender awareness.

The best way I have found to help open the space is by addressing the feelings he is having. For instance, if he is complaining about his angry boss, you could say “you sound angry, and I know how painful that is, how can I help?” Don’t join him or resist him, such as saying “yeah, that guy is a jerk” or “you’re projecting anger onto your boss, its actually your issue”.

It reminds me of a funny thing my teacher told me, where new Buddhists “beat people up with the dharma”. Instead of letting others suffering pass through us, it distresses us and we defend against their suffering by trying to annihilate it. If you’ve been studying Buddhism, perhaps you’ve encountered the three marks of existence? Anatta, annica and dukkha? Applied to your husbands suffering, his painful emotions have no center to them, arise and fade with time and space, and forgetting that leads to your own suffering. Said differently, he doesn’t need you to teach him how to be a more mindful person, he needs your arms around him to help produce the space that allows the emotions to settle on their own.

Because you turn toward him as a partner and cheerleader for happiness, when and if he becomes curious about what you have that allows you to remain happy, he’ll already know that what you do, you do out of love and support for him. If forced, it usually comes across as you wanting to change him, and none of us like that. We want help, but as adults, have a lot of our self esteem wrapped up in our autonomy.

With warmth,
Matt

I totally agree with the other posters. As much as you want him to join you in your journey of self-discover and self-awareness, remember that it is YOUR journey. He is on his own path going at his own pace. We cannot force a bud to become a flower overnight. It will come out in its own time. Have patience. As already mentioned, just seeing you and being around you, he is likely to become more self-aware. When you turn on a light in a room, it helps everyone see.

I also agree that you should not engage in his dramas. This will only allow him to continue to project his rejected feelings onto you. He has to confront HIMSELF. Stop trying to change him and create strong boundaries for yourself so you don’t lose yourself. In time, he will begin to see that he cannot deal with you in ways that may have worked in the past. He will NEED to change in order to keep up with the evolving relationship. Right now, focus on yourself and your needs and don’t be afraid to voice your true feelings with conviction and compassion. It may take a long time before the two of you are in sync again and unfortunately it is possible that your boats go in separate directions. Keep calm through these stormy waters. Keep swimming and stay true to yourself. You may find that on the other side, you and your husband become closer than before. You won’t know until you get there.

I am going through something very similar with my husband. Hang in there! Also I highly recommend the book, ‘Passionate Marriage’ by David Schnarch. It really helped me see relationships and intimacy in a new way. Good luck!

Di,

Could you be more specific on what conditions surround your saying “I’m not ok with that.”? Are you being asked to do something such as spend money or go do something? Is it in response to the way he is seeing things? Boundaries are fairly specific to what is being asked of you or what is around you, so it would help aim a pertinent response.

In regards to getting sucked into 15 minutes of this and that, consider that often we unintentionally feed cycles. If you are insisting on “truth” what you’re really doing is clinging to your side of things… seeing your view as True and his as False. This is not what is real. What is True is that you have views and he has views, and the coming together of those views is True, but the content of those views are both only subjectivity true. Said differently, what you’re seeing is not True, its just what you’re seeing. If what you were seeing was ultimate truth, the end all be all of deep seeing and clear comprehension, there would be no struggle, no problem, no separation between you and him…just breathing in compassion and breathing out kindness.

That being said, as we nourish the roots of our self awareness we become more confident in the direction we’re walking. That is why it would be helpful to know more specifics surrounding your “not ok with that” question! Also, keep it up! It seems like you’re heading in a great direction with your development, and with a few tweaks here and there peace of mind is right around the corner! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Di,

Whew! Great post, you really laid it out there! I can sympathize with the difficulty you’re going through, and respect the feelings that arise when we are in a turbulent intimacy. I think its great that you’ve been to Al-anon, and I feel that much of your piece of mind will come as you continue your recovery from codependency. Have you read any of Pia Melody’s work? Its very compatible with the four agreements, and is well targeted to the types of maladaptive patterns you seem to be stuck in.

To begin to untangle the knot of suffering you’re enduring, it is important to get a better understanding of how to stop making his actions all about you. For example, you say lying is a form of mind control, and perhaps if you look at it differently you can break free from such a painful thought (and apply it to other instances of the same pattern).

Consider that there are two sides during the event. On your side, you honor a feeling of knowing, of honesty, of intimacy and truth. On his side, he honors a sense of peacefulness, non-confrontation, and following his desires. When he decides that his actions are not acceptable to you, he invents or ignores. On your side, when he lies, you make it about you, as though he “should” be honest to you and therefore is dishonoring and controlling you. This leads your mind to be very aggressive and attempts to control him. Instead of “wow, his uncomfortable feelings make him act unskillfully, that is sad and painful for him” you make it about you. “He is making me feel worried and deceived which he should not do.” What you’re doing with this is handing over the keys to your peace of mind. Said differently, when we depend on others to act the right way in order for us to feel happy, we lose all of our power to become happy.

Yes, you say, but marriage means certain things must be. This is not true. Marriage means different things to different people, and it seems there is a bit of a difference between you and him in this regard. It is true that both of your behaviors and coping mechanisms are harmful to the intimacy. He justifies, deceives, argues and follows his addictions (suppression patterns). You judge, decide right from wrong, declare yourself the truth keeper and make his actions about you (aggression patterns).

He says to you that he deserves the right to do whatever he wants. I wholeheartedly agree. His actions have real consequences, such as eroding the intimacy… but that doesn’t mean he should be prevented from doing that. Said differently, if he is going to drink, it is a wasted effort to try to prevent him. If he is going to lie, it is wasted effort to try to stop him. You can invite him to examine how certain actions lead toward deeper intimacy and certain actions lead to erosion of intimacy, but you have no right or ability to make him choose.

Another difficulty I read in your words is the old codependent motto “He makes me feel…” which is false. The recovery from this stuck pattern of destructive thinking is “when he does this, I feel this.” The important thing is to recover your sovereignty… because others do not make us feel anything. They act, we interpret, and our interpretations determine the feelings. If we forget or ignore the interpretation portion, there is nothing we can do but control their actions to prevent our painful feelings. If we accept that the interpretation is the genesis of the feeling, then we can do something, because all of that is on our side, in our mind and body.

All that being said, it sounds like the two of you aren’t a great fit at the moment. You can’t make him change, but you can change your circumstances. I’m not saying g that the relationship is doomed, but it does sound like you’re trying to cram a square peg into a round hole. And, you say that you’re unwilling to change because you’re seeing the truth, and he is unwilling to change. So… what to do? Compromise is always necessary in intimacy, and if neither of you can or are willing, its just a matter of time before on of you gets fed up with pushing.

With warmth,
Matt

Di,

Excellent! Perhaps you noticed, but you shifted from “him” focused as the source of your issues to “Di” focused. Bravo! That’s where all the magic happens. To answer your question “is this what I should be focused on?” I say in general, we try to work on our side. If you reread the last two messages you wrote, the second is really the area that will help you. As I read the message, a few things came to heart.

Should. What a tricky word! When we consider ideas such as “husband” and “marriage” and “lessons in this moment”, the word “should” doesn’t fit well. There is no solid “should” that is at the heart of any of those… each of those is much more subjective than that. For instance, a marriage means different things to different people, and there is nothing specific that a marriage should be. Rather, there is what you would like it to be, what you expect it to be, and what it is. Those are enough!

When we apply “should” to it, what we’re really saying is either 1. We’re stuck in our brain thinking there is only one way, which does not take other peoples views and opinions into account. Or 2. We feel insecure that our desires are not important, so we reach for an external source to validate our desire instead of saying “I would like it that way.”

For instance, you want to have a marriage that is different than what you have now, and that is enough! Its enough to say “Di wants a marriage based on trust.” and put away “Marriage should be based on trust.” One is full of Di-empowement, Di-self knowing, Di-self confidence, and one is full of judgement and appealing to an external authority. Can you see the difference?

The same idea applies to “need” and “supposed to”. There is a quote I’ve seen from the Buddha that we become what we think. This seems to me to be part of what is generating your difficulty. As you think and say “should”, “need” and “supposed to” its like creating a stone statue of expectation that you then bump up against and feel pain. For instance if marriage should be honest, when you meet up against a moment where honesty is not present, your mind recoils. “This is not marriage! This is dishonesty!” This is very painful and seems unworkable… solid, unchanging.

Instead, when we think marriage “could” be honest, we create a sense of deep seeing into the potential life we could be living. If it could be such a way, but it isn’t, what can be done to make it that way? It softens judgement into preference, which is where we can discover forgiveness and compromise. If we say “the counter could be clear” for instance, we are envisioning a counter without all the trinkets and dodads and mail and loose change… and are setting up the conditions to clear it. If we say “the counter should be clear” then each trinket and doodad is a painful reminder that something is wrong. It may sound like a small difference, but it is a very important one!

What we begin to see is that different people have different ideas on what to clean up and what isn’t important to clean up. For instance, your husband likes to keep the “happy thoughts” counter clean and is not worried about the “honesty” counter. You are opposite. You don’t mind being uncomfortable (“happy thoughts” counter cluttered) if it means keeping the honesty counter clean. We all have different areas we feel are important, and keeping intimacy alive means both people are happy with what areas are clean.

This is where boundaries are very important. For instance, if you say “you lied, which made me angry, and so you have to stop doing that.” it is lashing out with your desire and creating a rigid and fragile boundary that he can break by saying “your problem.” If you say “when you are dishonest, I feel upset because honesty is something I need for trust, and trust is something that I want to have in my relationship.” Then it is not only softer because it is stating your preference, but it is also something he cannot break… he can’t say its “your problem” only “your desire”. If he honors the desires important to you, the two of you will grow closer. If he does not, you won’t. See how simple it becomes?

Pia Melody’s book on codependency is really something I recommend. It has very practical advice on what to do to create and maintain healthy boundaries, and how to keep a lookout for triggers that send a mind into codependent patterns.

Finally, what do you do to self-nurture? Do you meditate? Take baths alone with bubbles and candles? Do you go on walks alone? Many times the “hard knots of should and need” very naturally disappear when we take time to care for ourselves. Make sure you are doing things just for you, that you want, that make you feel happy and good, that bring out the playful and joyful girl-Di. She is still in there, and will help tremendously in keeping your mind and heart light.

Keep up the great work, I’m really excited and impressed with the shifting of language and perspective as we’ve been talking. It feels like you’re ripe to let go and move on, either from him or from your suffering… either way its a good move. You’ve been beaten up by your brain for far too long in my opinion. This world can be a soft and loving place, full of tender moments and gentle sighs… its just something we have to work on from our side, and we let the outside catch up or fall away (such as husband). Namaste!

With warmth,
Matt

Di,

Its very reasonable that the rigid rules surrounding your life with type 1 diabetes would leak out into other aspects of your perceptions, including very diligent rules on what you’re willing to take in (mentally or physically).

I’m glad to hear you’re interested in self awareness and enlightenment. Consider that enlightenment isn’t like a mountain to climb, its more like a surrendering acceptance to let things be what they really are. If you’re book shopping, consider Mindfulness in Plain English by Henepola Gunaratana. Its pretty awesome, and my guess is it would strike you well!

With warmth,
Matt

Di, I can totally relate to what you are going through–learning to set boundaries, finding balance, making hard choices. I think Matt has given great advice!

I don’t know if you are experiencing this, but my biggest challenge right now is staying on track–I keep flipping back and forth. Some days I feel that everything is fine and it’s just a tough growing part of our relationship. I feel that we are good together and we will get through it together. I mean, obviously I chose him for a reason. Other days, I find myself having so many doubts and wondering if I am just wasting my time. I feel like I am still waiting for him to change. If he would just do A, B, C and D, I would be happier. My husband is really a sweet guy and I wonder if am just fantasizing about a better perfect partner that doesn’t exist.

Maybe this is all just my mid-life crisis and my head will clear in a year or so and I will know exactly what to do. All I know is that I have to keep being aware and keep being true to myself. I do feel that I am on the right path and I now feel much more conscious about my choices.

good luck!