Home→Forums→Tough Times→My heart is shattered and I just died inside
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Anonymous.
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October 29, 2015 at 8:18 am #86366
AnonymousGuestDear Unavailable:
Even if you do not go to counseling together, see if you can go over certain rules so to make the relationship possible on the long run. Now is the time. EAR, remember: Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect. When your gf gets angry at you, there can be rules on how to express that anger, honor it for the valid message in it and not express it in a disrespectful way such as bullying or punishing.
Regarding you not communicating, I wonder if your username has something there, unavailable, maybe part of you is unavailable, does not want to be disturbed, exposed, be known…
Please post again and best wishes to you in your personal counseling sessions and in your relationship.
anita
October 30, 2015 at 4:48 am #86418AnonymousInactiveI will do that we had a long talk about what we both wanted (rules) in the relationship and how it should keep us going. Not break up. And that is a good example, thanks I think I am going to let her know I would rather her express her anger in a non disrespectful way or feel like I am getting put down. You know, I think you’re right on that one. I really didn’t want anyone on here to know my name for one, and yes most of the time I just don’t want anyone to be around me and bother me, and I don’t open up to many people because in my past experiences I would always get put down, made fun of, or any other negative thing you could possibly think of. So yes, I think my Unavailable name on here, would sum up how I feel around other people. I just want to be happy, feel safe, and not have to worry. Thanks again Anita.
October 30, 2015 at 7:55 am #86424AnonymousGuestDear Unavailable:
You are welcome. I like your rules discussion with your gf. Regarding being closed with people, this is natural and wise when your experience taught you that being open with people invites them to mistreat you. Honor your experience and make slow, gradual, one step at a time exceptions with the few individuals that are safe for you, that over time you learn that they can be trusted to not mistreat you. This is why the R in EAR is so important, in the context of your present relationship.
Over time (and you can explain this very point to your gf when she complains that you don’t want to open up with her), if and as your gf shows you nothing but respect no matter how she feels, then you will feel safe with her and open up more and more, that is when you feel safe with her (not worried about the next disrespectful behavior on her part) then, you will become more and more… available to her. It is only natural. We open up when we feel safe.
Post anytime.
anita
October 30, 2015 at 8:13 am #86427AnonymousInactiveThanks again. I like this post, it makes sense to me and I will let my girlfriend know this. This should cause her to be more understanding of me and why I am like that. And it is true, only when we feel safe do we actually open up to people.
October 30, 2015 at 6:34 pm #86449AnonymousGuestDear Unavailable:
Let me/ us know how it is working out, your gf communicating with you respectfully when she is angry. Lots of people do not even consider it as a possibility: to be angry at someone AND at the same time, to be respectful. This is a skill and if the two of you practice it with each other, you will be way ahead so many couples that hurt each other unnecessarily whenever angry.
anita
November 2, 2015 at 10:59 am #86573AnonymousInactiveThe communicating is going pretty well actually I think. It is hard to be respectful while angry, but it is possible. And so far things are getting better. She tells me when she is upset and what caused her to be upset, and I respect her and listen to what she has to say. I wait till she is done talking to reply. (Not always, but I am working on it each day.) I also have been opening up to her more and communicating with her about my feelings. I can tell she appreciates it and I feel a lot better now that I can actually communicate with her and not be so worried that she may get mad or anything. So yea, things are going well with the relationship.
November 2, 2015 at 11:10 am #86576AnonymousGuestDear Unavailable:
Sounds good to me, good progress. Keep the good work. This kind of work needs to be ongoing. It is not a one time or one week thing, it needs to go on and on for as long as the relationship continues. It can only make things better; it can only benefit each one of you and the relationship itself.
When there is a crisis in the future, some major stress, and “all hell breaks loose” or about to- that is especially the time to notice and practice respect when angry, when distressed. As things are getting better, talk to her about how indeed things are better, so you both notice and make a mental note about the payoff, the benefit of the work you are doing. This will encourage both of you to continue.
anita
November 2, 2015 at 2:31 pm #86593AnonymousInactiveThank you Anita. I understand that it doesn’t stay that way it has to continue for it to stay that way. I think that I will tell her that I am seeing a positive change in the relationship and that should help her see it too.
November 2, 2015 at 4:22 pm #86598AnonymousGuestDear Unavailable:
It does work, this is it exactly what works: telling her you see a positive change in the relationship… and telling her when you notice an effort she is making to express herself respectfully although it is difficult for her (when she feels hurt/angry)- reward her with words of appreciation for the efforts she makes to benefit you, herself and the relationship, and she will be motivated to continue her efforts.
Keep going, Unavailable, you are doing an excellent job. Remember you can’t be perfect but keep walking this path of better and better communication skills between the two of you! And post anytime.
anita
November 3, 2015 at 5:04 am #86638AnonymousInactiveOk I will definitely be doing that. Thanks Anita 🙂
November 3, 2015 at 8:40 am #86647AnonymousGuestYou are welcome and Keep posting, Unavailable.
anita -
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