Ok you will have to bare with me as I am still dealing with a broken heart.Long story but the first guy I lost my virginity too in October walked off whilst going down on me becasue he couldnt make me cum he said ” finished” and walked off .I was very angry hurt and confused and its going to take a while for sex itself to feel ok with me again;thats why its so important to me especially now.The foreplay I dont mind but sex with him was very uncomfortable no connection and over all it was just a very horrible experience. I am still sad but dealing day by day with it and cut all ties with him he was still writing and not knowing what he wanted so got angry and shouted at me when I expressed my confusion and pain.Over all it was a horrible situation and he was suppose ti be a friend after 8 years. I did blame myself I was really uncomfortable and confused i didnt feel good around him but like I wasnt even there .He even asked me if I could finish myself off when fingering and when i asked him if he could go down on me he did then said ” finished” and wamked off and spent like 20 mins in the shower ages he must have been jerking off.I made him cum in my mouth and he did during sex on my stomache and cleaned it up.In all honesty I wouldnt have cared if he couldnt make me cum or orgasm ,I would have been happy just to be with him I liked him so much ans this was a friend I spoke to online for 8 years .After i spoke baout it so much he just kept getting angry and saying stuff like ” its tiring talking about this again and again ” and when i first bought it up how much is effected me and upset me he said ” I think you should talk to a female as I really cant relate” the worst bit is I asked him twice to ut a condome on the first time was before whene we were kissing i asked if he had acondome he said yes but then got on with it if you get me and i panicked and asked again whilst he was in me he said ” arent you on the pill” i was but low oestrogen and there for panicked that may make me more prone to being pregnant which mater i foundb ut could have! luckily I tool morning after pill next day but was very sick all week and emotionally very distarught,its kinda like mild rape i asked him after when i gt back to mines ” didnt you pack any” he said ” yes but i woulc have had to search for them ” I have to remember this for the rest of my life really caring for someone who never showed me the affection of respect i needed nor would ever listen to my needs.He suffers from terrible depression ,social anxiety and bad anger due to past stuff he refuses to talk about.I suffer very mild depression and told hil he can talk to my therapist and he wouldnt.I tried so hard to help him , in the end he never helped me nor understood what he did and how he treated me effected my confidence in sex .He regretted all his relationships and his ex was an alcholic they wwere together five years he said “she use to self medicate” now i know why on top of her own stuff!!I locked myself in my room and comfort eat for a week but had to snap out of it but happened a few times. i JUST WANT to forget about it but keep getting flash backs its hard and a i worry when we dont talk something very bad has happened to him in the end last week he wrote after amonth f my angry email being sent ” i am fine i cant talk to you further i have my own things to worry about” never once listening understanding or acknowledging how hard its been for me.I cared so much about him !!!!I really am struggling and feel so sad despite his bad behaviour,i feel i let him down and failed myself also!!xxx hope i didnt embarsse u with some details!!! he now refuses to talk to me after i wanted to try sort it all out and after i worried something bad happened to him and was concerned i sent messages worrying that he did something bad he replied like 3 weeks ago or so “I am fine I cant talk to you further i have my own things to worry about” i feel so devalued and so so low u wouldnt believe.

i want to work on being friends again but he refuses to talk now

he is so fead up of me getting upset over what happened and doesnt know or understand why

i saw moments where he was spaced out

he is not in a good place im nt angry now i was for a very long time just concerned its not fare on me but i dont like seeing someone suffer like that yet i tried EVERYTHING to help hmi he wont help himself!!!

i suffer from very mild depression in comparrison

but things can trigger it off

it was a toxic relationship and i couldnt understand how a “friend ” for so long can be that cruel but i dont think he even realises what he says and does hurts others

often when we push people away is when we need people the most

i offered my support he wont accept it

he cant help me if he cant take care of himself

i told him he needs to learn to forgive the people who upset him and try love himself

i do also need to try love myself and not be so hard on lyself and realised my pattern of choosing the wrong men is for a reason

they are all emotionally unavailavle in some way

my father is

hes always struggled

and i didnt have him around as a teen….

I feel very very lonely and the one person I thought who was suppose to be one my good friends has hurt me so much i dont think I will get over this.I worry so much about him and he never once considered how I felt ever.