My head knows what to do, why does my heart not listen

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This topic has 12 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 5 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 3, 2016 at 7:25 am #106350

Lorissa
Participant

Hi all. I am not sure what I am expecting. I know logically what needs to be done, so why does my heart fight me on this. And I know that this relationship was wrong as we were both already in relationships.

Some background.

I am in my mid 40’s. I have been in long term relationships through-out my life but I have never fully committed emotionally. It is more like partnerships.

I have been in a relationship for the past 12 years. It is not the greatest relationship, but not the worst either,however I do feel like the caretaker in the relationship – the mother if you will.
5 years ago I met a man at work. He was married. He does have children. He felt unloved in his relationship. He had stated that his wife had stated point blank that she did not love him. I actually did not believe him when he stated this at the time (I am skeptical by nature and figured it was just a line)

He also told me that he was physically and emotionally abused by his mother. I do not know if this is true or not. My mind is questioning everything – everything he has told me.
Our relationship started just as an escape from unfulfilling relationships at home. We even set up rules – one being not to fall in love.

Over the next few months, it seemed to turn into more. He texted me that he thought what it would be like to go on a date with me. I jokingly said watch out, your going to break your own rule.
Maybe a month later, he took a leave for a medical issue where he had to be home with his wife. He texted me that day that he thought he loved me. I told him that I loved him too

Over the next few years our relationship continued. We would find ways to meet each other to spend time, even being able to go out of town so we could spend a couple of days with each other. We would always pretend were were not close at work. In essence it was totally secret from everyone we knew

He ended up leaving where we worked together and got a a job where he travels all over the world, but we still kept seeing each other when he was in town,but in all honesty, this relationship too was fairly one sided. I would arrange the times and days to get together, book any hotels etc. . We would text each other every day and state how much we loved and missed each other every day.
We started talking about what it would be like for him to come home to me. He started saying he wondered what it would be like to have me as his wife. I started to call him my husband when we were together or when we texted each other. He even bought me a ring (just a small birthstone ring, but it meant the world to me). This was big for me. I have not considered marrying someone until him.
We were amazed at how time would fly when we were together. How we were content in each other’s company. I told him he was my soulmate and he said I was his – yes, corny and mushy especially from someone who has kept relationships at arms length. But there is just something about him that I do not understand. There is such a hold that I have not experienced before.
Last June his wife asked him for a divorce (no she did not know about us). He was of course upset. He wants to keep his family together – I understand that – it is different when you have children. (I do not have children). He and his wife still live in the same house – she is in school and will be done in two years. They agreed to stay living together until then as finances would not allow for a separation until she started working.

From there it went totally weird.

In August we met and he said he felt happy. The pressure of being in a relationship that he knew was wrong, where he could not be himself was over. He asked if I could love his son. I responded that his son was a part of him, how could I not but love him. He told me again I was his soulmate and that he loved me unlike any love he had ever experienced.

It seemed like we were destined to be together. I started to make arrangements to end my relationship as well

September he left for work again, but we met when he came home. We saw each other one night and it was great and made arrangements to meet the next day. When he arrived the next day, he was off. I just held him and he totally broke down crying. Being along in a foreign country so soon after his wife asking for a divorce was weighing on him. Later that month we met for lunch and during the conversation he asked if I would have an issue living in the house that he and his wife shared after the divorce.
October we still saw each other – things were ok but he had pulled away a bit.

November he almost missed an important date – which upset me. I told him maybe it was time to call it quits. He was the one that said no, he did not want to break up. He said he saw his therapist and they told him he deserves to be happy and he said I made him happy.
December things were good at the beginning, he was excited to see me, but at Christmas he was distraught again. Again, I understand, holidays are difficult, more so when there is something like this looming. (note, he is on anti depressants).

January we saw each other – which I was surprised at since he stated he felt pressured by me in December.

February he would respond to my texts, sometimes responding back that he loved me, others not. They he texted that he had decided on a vow of abstinence. He started “signing off” and not responding to me. He would then take to blocking me for periods of time if my conversations got personal. He accused me of making it just about me.

I was allowed to talk to him if I kept things light, saying that he is empty inside and his only joy is his son. So I try to keep communication open with him in the hopes that he comes back. He would not think to come back on his own – just not the way he is. He has always said (in the past before January), how much he appreciated me fighting for him. He has never had that before, but me fighting to keep us alive is no longer working

I ask him straight out if he wants me to quit, if he wants me out of his life. He says no. I ask him if he and his wife have talked reconsiliation. He says no.

Reading this, I know in my mind what I need to do. I need to say goodbye . I need to end all communication with him but my heart is breaking not knowing what happened. I have not actually seen him in 6 months, partly due to his work schedule, partly due to him avoiding coffee with me to discuss things although, as said we still text.

How could feelings that supposedly were so intense for both of us just end for him.

How can my heart even still want him after this last year.

How can my feeling for him not have diminished even a bit.

I guess I just need to feel that what we had existed. I have to mourn the end of this on my own because of the nature of the relationship

June 3, 2016 at 7:58 am #106352

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Linda:

I don’t see it clearly in my mind that the logical thing for you to do is to end the present texting with him (the extent of the relationship for the last six months, as I understand it), announcing to him that a future relationship is no longer an option, on your part. I don’t see it as the logical-thing-to-do at this point because I don’t think you logically see all that there is to see. When you do, then you can use your logic effectively.

In my effort to point to you where there may be more to see, I will develop my thoughts about your post as I type. When I am done, I will ask for your feedback: where did I get it correctly; where did I not, and your thoughts and feelings otherwise:

The relationship with the married man worked for the two of you for as long as his marriage was relatively stable (as well as yor relationship with your boyfriend). The two of you having the Other relationships on both sides (his marriage/ your partnership) were like the two ends of a pole that a person uses for balance walking a tightrope. Once his end got cut off by his wife asking for a divorce, his balance was gone on his end of the pole, and as a consequence you lost your balance as well.

What is the nature of that balancing dynamic, that pole (or two poles, once carried by each..)?

The balancing factor is Safety: for him, if his marriage ends, there is you. As he needs more that he is not getting from his marriage, there is you. He can be balanced if he continues his unsatisfactory marriage AND you.

For you: you can continue your relationship with this married man if you have someone to fall on when the married man pulls out: your partner. You keep the not-the-best but not-the-worst relationship (your words) with your partner going so your fall from the tightrope walk will be cushioned. Safety.

Your feedback at this point?

anita

June 3, 2016 at 10:10 am #106360

Lorissa
Participant

Yes, part of it is safety. Although I was willing to leave my relationship to be with him. Our relationship was intense. We seemed to connect on every level which has never happened before.
I am just struggling with how he could pull back so much, if it is safety. His marriage ends and as you say, there is me. So why then has he pushed me so far away.

June 3, 2016 at 12:15 pm #106370

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lorissa:

You are asking: if you were his safety net, why is he pushing you away, instead of clinging to you, when his marriage got threatened?

A possible answer: his relationship with you provided him a relief from his distress over the possibility that his marriage will be over, a distraction, a place of comfort. But he didn’t want his marriage to be over, not then and not not now. You are not his safety when his marriage is in clear and present danger. You were his way of feeling less distressed for as long as he had a marriage.

anita

June 3, 2016 at 1:09 pm #106371

Lorissa
Participant

Hence the Comment my mind knows I need to cut contact. Does not stop my heart from hurting, since I believed all the times he told me that he had never felt such intense feelings for someone before, or that he felt we belonged together.

I have never felt this way, had such emotions for someone before

June 3, 2016 at 1:19 pm #106372

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lorissa:

For certain reasons, you became attached to this man. What you are describing are emotions involved in a strong attachment. The reasons: maybe you let the fact that you were having a relationship with another man (however unsatisfactory) and that he was married lead you into a feeling of safety, that is that you are not in danger of becoming attached.

It seems to me that you were always afraid to get attached to a man, always wanted a way out, to keep the door open, have an exit available. That is, lifelong that has been the case, has it?

And you got attached to this man. It must feel horrible, to be attached and not being able to be with him, is it so…What are you going to do now?

anita

June 3, 2016 at 7:39 pm #106435

Lorissa
Participant

I do not know if I have been afraid to get attached, it is just a fact I have not. With him, I did

The rejection by him is what is difficult. The being pushed away when the circumstances should have allowed our relationship to move forward. To actually be together after his wife told him she did not want him

I do not know what to do. I can tell him that I want him and love him and my feelings for him are as strong as ever, but he still pushes me away.

I do not think there is anything I can do

June 3, 2016 at 7:56 pm #106436

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lorissa:

I think psychotherpy with a competent, caring therapist will help you a whole lot. It will help you either commit to or leave your current 12 year old relationship, figure out if you are in all the way, or out all the way. It is wrong for the man that you have been sexually involved with him and with another man, without the former’s knowledge. And it was wrong for you to get involved with a married man, especially one with a child in that marriage. And it ended badly for you.’

In therapy, youmay get valuable insight into your childhood and an understanding that will fascinate you as well as heal you.

anita

June 4, 2016 at 2:47 am #106453
Laura
Participant
Hi Lorissa,

I know how you feel, you must feel devastated, sad, betrayed. At the same time guilty and feeling shame for yourself, thinking how the hell did I ended up like this? When I have always been careful trying my best not to get hurt.

I know because I am in a similar situation. I am in a long-term relationship almost 2 years, with a man who treat me nicely, he is good to me but I don’t know why I can’t love him why I can’t feel fully happy with him.
I definitely don’t love him, otherwise I wouldn’t be obsess with this other man who I met through work. This other man is super handsome, charming, really nice. I felt a strong connection with him or least that’s what I thought we had.
Like you I was ready to leave my current boyfriend for him when we were having an “affair”. (Different from your story, he is single).

However, like your story, he eventually started to pull away (the reason why he started the affair with me is because he is not looking for a serious relationship so for him my situation was perfect, we also set some rules. Then I found out he was having another “affair” with a married woman in the same office I work). Obviously that destroyed me. It was so hard to accept that and it still is.
Thankfully, they both quit and start working for the same company in other place. Lucky me, I just felt like he used me maybe because he wasn’t getting what he needed from this other girl. They are both managers I am only part of the staff it was the darkest period of my life.

It was really awful, I still can’t let it go… it even cost me a promotion. We are currently assessed and during three months my performance went to the floor. Now I am doing much better with the possibilities to get promoted next year.

So yes, your head knows what to do but your heart doesn’t let you and is freaking hard.
But you just have to let it go… I know is hard, is probably what you don’t want to hear but is what you need to do if you want to give yourself the chance to find someone that you could potentially really feel love for him and feel loved.

I am saying this because trying to understand my situation I came to read different psychology articles about why people cheats, why you don’t feel satisfy in your relationship when the man you are with is okay, etc.

Please find the links above, it has really helped me to understand me, love me, and give me strengths to move on. As Anita mentioned above, I think we both need therapy in order to understand why we obsessed about these man. I think your case is more difficult because this man told you so many times how much he loved you but at the end it seems like he pulled away. Therefore, they didn’t really showed love for us. But I truly believe we deserved this love!

I am going to try to give you “logical explanations” or explanations that will make you feel better to understand why you feel this strong attachment and love for him:
Please read this full article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-stories-we-tell-ourselves/201512/is-why-people-really-have-affairs
1) When affairs begin, a person typically doesn’t fall in love with the other person, at least not initially. They’re actually “falling in love” with the fantasy (in their very own mind) about the other person. In other words, they’re falling for the image of the other person they’ve created in their own mind. The affair partner is simply a construct, a made-up image—someone, they imagine, who will meet their every need.

2) Affairs, at their core, are about longing and a deep need for external validation. Who doesn’t like someone telling them they look or smell good, or confirming that another person is attracted to them? Who doesn’t like to feel that someone values them? Again, many individuals that have an affair are not “falling in love” with the other person; they are “falling in love” with this new, wonderful image of themselves—an image that’s receiving praise and external validation.

3) Lastly, many people, in their initial encounters with an affair partner, become intoxicated by the feeling they get with each new encounter. When that new romance starts giving them positive external feedback, an individual can get hooked—not on the person, but on the feeling (or on the chemicals their brain releases) when they’re with that person. (Three main chemicals are released during this initial stage of affair—dopamine, which is also activated by cocaine and nicotine; norepinephrine, otherwise known as adrenaline; and serotonin, one of love’s most important chemicals.)

Also, I want to share this last article that could also be the reason why you are between this two relationships (dissatisfaction with your current boyfriend + married man):so each of us have different attachment styles. Attachment refers to the unique bond that is formed in infancy with a primary caregiver and has been expanded to also include and reflect how we attach romantically as adults. Our attachment style is influenced by our thoughts of self and our thoughts of others. So my conclusion is that you may have an fearful-anxious/avoidance attachment style. Please read the full article to understand more about what I am trying to say: http://the-love-compass.com/2013/09/17/the-fearful-avoidant-attachment-style/. When I read this I feel relief, I felt compassion for myself to understand that is not all my fault and that there is hope for me to change.

Other article that gives me strengths when I am feeling like you are right now is this one: http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/letting-go-of-attachment-from-a-to-zen/

I hope this helps, I strongly encourage you to let those feelings out. Feel them! don’t feel bad or ashamed of them, that would only will make you to feel worse. It was a good idea to write on this blog, I am very glad you did and I hope I can help you to feel a little better with what I have shared with you.

If you need to vent more, write it in a “diary”, in a word document or continue writing here. Just let everything out. In this way understanding why we do things is part of accepting and learning how we are and it is part of loving ourselves.

After that, I strongly suggest to look for a psychologist or counselor as Anita said since yes, you need a good guidance in order to learn how to create and growth strong healthy relationships where you could feel fulfill and full of joy. At least that’s what I am going to do. I am tired of feeling empty and always putting me through unhealthy or empty relationships.
We deserve to love and to be loved, we all have our past which may be affecting our relationships in the present but that doesn’t mean that we cannot do anything to change it. So heads up! we can do it! There is hope.

Love,

Laura
- This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Laura.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Laura.
June 4, 2016 at 8:16 am #106489

Anonymous
Guest

* Dear Laura: I enjoyed your thorough and valuable post above, honest and informative. I am making this post to let you know that the report for “inappropriate content” must have been made by mistake as there is nothing inappropriate about your post. Please don’t let that comment discourage you from posting again. If I knew of a way to remove the “inappropriate content” disclaimer from your post above, I would.
anita

June 7, 2016 at 8:03 am #106664

Lorissa
Participant

Thanks Laura. I appreciate your words. Your right, I have never felt a “true love” attachment with anyone I have dated. Except for my very very first boyfriend when I was 16. Everyone else as been a relationship that is more like a partnership – never truly becoming one so I was and am shocked as to why I am so fixated with this man.

I too have scoured the internet (amazing how many people have similar situations – that actually does help to know I am not alone in these feelings).

I will read over the articles you posted

June 7, 2016 at 8:05 am #106667

Lorissa
Participant

PS I too do not know why your post was flagged inappropriate. I am just coming back to the forum now (today) and just read it. I am glad you posted it.

June 7, 2016 at 9:15 am #106668

Nan
Participant

The post that is flagged inappropriate, may be due to the several inks imbedded in it, in the prior post. It may be a security issue, and felt that clicking on those links may plant a bug or virus on the connecting computer. Just thinking of that as why it occurred.

June 7, 2016 at 7:01 pm #106684

Anonymous
Guest

* thanks, Nan.

Lorissa, hope you are doing well.
anita
Author

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