Thank you so much Anita, Seaisland and Vesper! Thank you for your words, your encouragement and your hugs. It means a lot to me.

Less than an hour ago my father left home. He said he and my mom talked about this. That they are going to change. That they will seek psychological help because they want this to be a family again, that they will do their best. “I’m leaving because you said it is the best for us”.

The thing is I do not believe them. I have heard all of that before, and it was a huge disappointment for my sister and I. I know my sister doesn’t believe them either. Probably that’s the reason why we don’t feel any better now that he left. It just feels like he just went to work (It is common here for people who works in mining like him to work a week in another city and rest a week at home).

This is the same situation like the one in 2014. They are doing “changes” because we tell them “what to change” and not because they have thought thoroughly about their behaviour and the real effect that had upon us. That hardly can be called a change.

I thought he wouldn’t leave so I was ready to go tomorrow to file a lawsuit to have him removed from home. Now I can’t do so. he left. But I’ll go to the police station so at least there will be a notice about what happened at home and I’ll call the Women National Service which is the service that deals with this situations, to seek some guidance.

I know the situation will repeat in the future. For what I understood, my mom backed off with the divorce. I understand her. She wants to save both my father and us. But she can’t, and agreeing with him in this so called change just shows which side she chose.

I don’t hate her though. Just as I don’t hate my father. I have had my share of hate a few years ago and I don’t wish to go back there never again. If something I feel is disappointment and exhaustion. Especially exhaustion. I’m so tired and my near future doesn’t look any less stressful. I’m thinking of taking a break from my studies this semester so I can focus on my sister, recover energy and whatever steps police and the Women National Service tell me to follow. What do you think about it?

Thank you again for your understanding.

*Hugs Anita*
*Hugs Seaisland*
*Hugs Vesper*

Thank you so much for all of your replies and good wishes.

I’ll give you an update. I was told that leaving a notice at the police station wouldn’t help at all unless there was a legal complaint (I think that’s the word). So that’s what I did yesterday. I have to admit I was dissapointed at first because I thought, given the situation, the process would be faster, but it won’t be fast because there aren’t “risk factors” as they call them, like physical abuse, drugs consumption or alcoholism. Thinking about it later, a bit more calm, I realized that is a normal thing to do because they have to start an investigation in order to gather evidence.

So I’ll have to wait. I have to go again on June 8th, for the first court hearing. My parents and my sister have to go too. I told my mom that I filed the legal complaint and she reacted better than I thought. I thought she would cry and try to make me change my mind, but she was more shocked by the fact that I took a big decision without asking her. I was told I don’t have to notify my father because the court will do it, so I don’t know what his reaction will be.

I thought again about taking a break from studies and decided to better not to do so. I don’t know what the results from this legal process will be or how long will it take. In the worst scenery, nothing will change and because of that I should have a plan B: leaving home with my sister. For that to happen it would be the best if I had a job, an better yet, if I had graduated and had a job. My major is one of the longest ones and I’m only half way, so it wouldn’t be wise (I think) to drop a whole semester.

So I decided for a less drastic plan. I’m going to drop only one subject (the most difficult so far) this semester and try my best with the others.

To answer watercolorskyz, my sister has come a long way. After all the things she has experienced in her short life I’m amazed of how strong she is and I’m glad to say that one of the biggest changes on her these 2 years is that she realized that the problems at home aren’t her fault and that she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this by our parents. So yes, she is with me in this.

Again, thank you so much for your support and good wishes <3 I really appreciate it.

Hello again
Thanks for your kind words Anita 🙂 You are right. I prefer to take my time before acting. This month’s events however, have made really difficult to stop and think.

Before the hearing I went to the Women National Service, because they deal with this kind of issues but it didn’t went exactly as I expected. I knew before hand that I was going to receive advice only, because that service offers legal help to women being abused by their partner/boyfriend/husband which of course it is not my case. There isn’t an Adult-Daughters-Who-Are-Going-To-Sue-Their-Father National Service(?) When I was telling the story I was continuosly interrupted by the person listening and the worst part is… that it was the same kind of interrogatory I went through when I filed the complaint. It went something like this:
Me: He usually yells and that scares us-
Person: Oh BUT does he insult you?
Me: No, he doesn’t. He usually yells and hit things-
Person: I see BUT does he hit you?
Me: No, he hasn’t hit me. He did hurt my mom once-
Person: Oh BUT ONLY ONCE?
Me: At least that I know of…
Person: Did he threaten you?
Me: He often says that he will stop paying for my studies if I don’t do as he says-
Person: Oh BUT not that he is going to hurt you?

Every BUT felt like a “But it is not that bad” and I hated it. Few times in my life I have felt so humiliated. Because that was the feeling. I know my father is supposed to be “innocent until proven otherwise” but that kind of interrogatory made me feel like I was “guilty of making up everything until proven otherwise”. Later that week I received a call from my sister’s school. After much thought (that’s what they said) and after knowing that I had filed a complaint, they decided to file a complaint too. The teacher asked me to tell the story again and as it was a bad joke… she interrupted me with the same BUTs and the same questions!

I couldn’t believe it. I felt so angry, defeated and humiliated. Everything seems to point out that: if there are not insults “it is not that bad”, if he had not hit me “it is not that bad”, if he had not threatened me to hurt me “it is not that bad”, if he physically hurt my mom only once “it is not that bad”. I went to the point of thinking that maybe it wasn’t that bad. But in the exact second I thought that I remembered my sister and any doubt dissipated.

So I went to the hearing anyways, completely defeated and expecting nothing. At least I could say “I tried” I told myself. I have never been so happy, glad and relieved for being wrong!

Apparently, everything that could have gone wrong went great. First, when my statement was read by the judge (something really similar to what I wrote in my first post) everyone said it was true, including my father (I guess he firmly believed he was right and thought the judge would agree with him) so it wasn’t necessary to give evidence. Then, when the judge asked him if he wanted a lawyer he said no, that he wouldn’t need it. That made the whole process shorter. After answering the judge’s questions for an hour or so she took her decision: my father had to leave home for at least a year, he has to receive treatment in a specialized center for a year too and if he refuses to go he’ll end in jail. The judge also gave us a restriction order, he can’t come near us for the next 3 months.

My sister is going to receive specialized treatment too, which is something I’m really happy about. I’ll go with her this wednesday for her first appointment. My mom was told to go to the Women National Service to receive treatment too. I couldn’t have ask for more.

These 20 days have been weird and sometimes a bit difficult to adjust to. Being in an toxic environment your whole life and then suddenly being out of it is bewildering to say the least. But a good kind of bewildering(?).

There is something else that deeply concerned me though, and it is what I’m facing up now. At the hearing, the judge told my mom she has to calculate our monthly expenses because my father has to pay half of it. I asked my mom several times about it and she said she already did it. I suspected something so this week, instead of asking if she did it I asked her how much had to pay my father. She seemed to doubt and replied “I’m not sure, I have to talk to him about it”. I thought it was weird so I asked her “Why do you have to talk to him? the judge said he has to pay half of it, there’s nothing to talk about”. Her answer left me baffled “He has so many debts, I’m worried he won’t be able to pay for them if we add this”

As my beloved aunt would say: I wanted to rip my eyes out and squeeze my brain! After everything we have been going through, after all I did recently, she’s still more worried for him than for us! However, I let it pass for the moment. I thought that it had to be hard for her to adjust to this new environment without him. That maybe she needs time.

But that doesn’t explain what happened this saturday and I’m deeply worried.

My mom, my sister and I were having breakfast. Out of the blue, my mom said she wanted that our cats start living in the backyard because she hated the smell of their sandbox (my 2 cats live inside our house, the sandbox is usually in the backyard and they go when they need it. A few days ago my cat went into heat so we can’t let her out, she could get pregnant. Because of that we had to put the sandbox inside the house for now). I clean their sandbox often because, of course, I dislike the smell too and I told my mom it was just until my cat was back to normal but she didn’t want to hear any of it. My sister and I were upset. We love our cats, it is so true that pets can help to heal. Our first cat came in 2014, two weeks after my sister’s attempt and I’m 100% sure it helped her go through those hard times.

The thing is I, again, decided to let it pass. My sister is other story. She was really upset so she got up and went to her room. My mom was angry, she snapped at me saying “why didn’t you say something?!” I told her it was because I didn’t agree with her but thought it wouldn’t be ok to say so in front of my sister. She also got up and went to her room like I had offended her or something. At that moment my sister came out of her room and told me she wanted to go to my grandma’s house.

For experience, I know that when she wants to go there it is because she’s trying to avoid an upcoming panic attack. Sadly, my mom doesn’t know this and felt like my sister was insulting her. She came back from her room yelling “I’m worth less than a cat!” and started slamming doors “I can’t believe a cat is more important than me!” She was totally out of control. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My sister started crying and I could see it was taking everything on her to not freak out. I told her to go to her room and we were at her door when my mom came back with the sandbox in her hands. She looked at me and yelled “if you like that smell so much, let’s get the whole house to smell that way! Let’s live in this smell!” and she threw all the content of the sandbox around the house.

I was in shock. I really thought she was going to hit me with the sandbox. My stomach turns just by thinking about it. I was genuinely scared. But I had to snap out of it when I saw my sister on the floor with a panic attack. I ran to her, gave her her pills, hugged her and tried to help her to breath, all of this with my mom still yelling in the background. As I said, pets can help, and they are smarter than we think. My two cats came running to my sister’s side, jumped on her lap and my sister stopped moving frantically inmediately. Then she started breathing again and my cats never left her side until she felt better.

At some point my mom entered the room and crying tried to apologize but my sister was too tired to care. My mom called my grandparents for help and when they came, they asked what happened. My mom said crying “I told them I wanted the cats to start living outside. They got angry and I also got angry”. I had to tell them the whole story and they calmed they things a bit. These days my mom has been taking her sleeping pills so she’s not exactly present at the moment.

That day seemed to come from one of my worst nightmares. How did this happen? I thought I could finally have this safe and peaceful environment to live in, but now I’m living the fear again.

The saddest part is that my heart/head is trying to tell me something and I’m afraid it will turn out to be true. After all those years of abuse, my mom did nothing. I thought it was because she was afraid. When my sister attempted suicide and when she cut herself, my mom did nothing. I thought it was because she was in shock. When she changed her mind about the divorce I thought it was because she wanted to try to save the family one more time. When the only thing she said at the court was a yes when the judge asked her if my statement was true, I thought it was because it was hard for her. When she told me she was worried about my father’s debts, I thought it was because she still cares for him.

But what I’m seeing now is that she failed to protect my sister and me. If after all these years she has not stood up for us, and now she has these random episodes of rage that scared the hell out of me… she isn’t in the position to be a parent. She is too hurt for that, just like my father. And this is scary for me because, if it turns out to be true, it means that I’m virtually a person without parents! That thought makes me feel half empty and lonely. This is what I’m reflecting on lately. I thought writing it down would help.

As always, thanks so much t those who take their time to read this and to people who reply. You are awesome 🙂

Hi Anita! Thanks for your reply 🙂

For some reason I don’t feel comfortable when people say good things about me, I guess it is something I have to work on, but thanks a lot! ^^’

Here’s another update.

Last week my sister, my mom, and I, went on a trip to the capital to visit my aunt. It was supposed to be a time for relax because we are on a short vacation. But all the plans we had changed because one day in the middle of the night I had the worst panic attack so far. I fainted twice and ended in a clinic with two pills under my tongue. I knew it was because I was overthinking late at night about these problems and some forgotten memories from my childhood began to surface and they scared the hell out of me. I told my aunt about it. The next day she took me to visit a psychotherapist and I have been treated everyday since then. It has been a few days but we have made some progress and discoveries.

First of all, she said I don’t have depression. Maybe I had it in the past. But she said I wouldn’t have been able to cope with everything that happened if I had it. Extremely tired? yes. Exhausted? Definitely. Sometimes confused? Yep. But not depressed. I have to admit I felt relieved. She said this is the reason why I have such a clear thinking (I remembered your words at this part 🙂 ) when it comes to my family problems, because “my core beliefs weren’t stained with my parents’ actions”.

Second, and this is something I have been told before but didn’t understand it then: I have taken my mom’s role in the family. It was some kind of survival mechanism for my sister and I. It created a small sense of security for both of us, but now that our family’s dynamic changed it will become a problem instead of a solution. If I insist on being my sister’s mom we will develop an unhealthy relationship because that’s not my role and it might hinder our personal development. Just as an example, there are several things I have refused to do in the past (like going on trips or even going out with friends) because I was worried of who would take care of my sister. Likewise my sister stopped doing things she enjoys thinking that she has to be by my side in case something happened at home. Now I understand this but I’m not sure where lies the line between my role as elder sister and as “mom”. We will work on this with my therapist starting tomorrow, but any advice is welcome 🙂

And third, the therapist talked to my mom today. They talked for an hour or so. The conclusion was painful but not unexpected: my mom has such a heavy HEAVY emotional baggage she has carried her whole life that she’s not even aware of it. And because of it she won’t change, she won’t be able to be the mother we need. The therapist said it won’t be healthy to expect my mom to change because it won’t happen. The same conclusion we came up with in the previous posts, right? I still have to fully accept this, though.

There are good news though! They are not easy, but they are good(?). I’ll explain myself. After talking to the therapist, which happens to be her friend, my aunt has offered me all her help. This means she is willing to let us stay with her at her home or, if we prefered, to pay for a place to stay just my sister and I. She’s even willing to pay for my studies and my sister’s school! To be honest, when she said that it made me cry. All this time I was looking for an adult (I know I’m an adult, but someone more-adult(?)) to give me a feel of security. I didn’t get it from my parents, nor from my sister’s school, nor from the first time I filed the complaint and nor with the Women National Service. But now when I least expected it… it happened. That’s the good part.

The not-so-easy part is that I have to be realistic, this won’t happen in one day, there are several things we will need to take care first. For starters, my sister is 15 years old, she’s a minor so if we were to take her with us we could even be sued for kidnapping. My aunt said she’ll talk to some of her friends who are lawyers and I will do the same to know the process to ask for my sister’s custody. And that won’t be easy because like it or not, I still care for my mom. I know I’ll do this but it will be more painful than my father’s case. Maybe we can convince her to let me take my sister with me. If she never did anything with the abuse at home I can’t picture her taking action now to keep my sister with her. The trouble is that in that case I also need my father’s consent (weird things about law and how abusive fathers still have some rights over their children) and I doubt he’ll give it.

Other important point is all the things that implies the process of moving out. We are talking of living in a city more than 800 kms far from everything and everyone we know. It is literally a new start and I wonder if my sister and I are ready and strong enough to take this step so soon when we are still recovering from the last problems. Our next home might be located even farther away if we take in account that if I’m going to continue with my studies I need to find an university that will accept my exchange request.

Also I’m aware that my aunt’s help has a limit even when she says the opposite. She lost her job recently so she doesn’t have a steady income. She got married 2 months ago and with her wife’s income combined with some small jobs she does they have enough for living. I know I’ll have to get a job but I still feel like I won’t help enough.

As I’m typing this I’m thinking that if we take this to a legal stance the money my father is supposed to give for my sister’s expenses may help in this situation. That’s another thing to think about now!

As always, thank you so much to everyone who takes the time to read this and especially thank you Anita for your answers and thank you for caring 🙂