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My family needs help but I have my own life, am I a bad person?

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • June 24, 2014 at 2:32 pm #59485
    Ben
    Participant

    I have recently left university and have been away from home for about 4 years. I left my Mum at home in a pretty bad situation and I’m really struggling as to what to do. Long story short she left my dad for a family freind when I was young, I remember very little to start with but he turned out to be an awful man. He is now a clinical alcoholic, drinks from the minute he gets up to the minute he goes to bed. He is abusive mentally to my mum, he has been physically but hes too far gone to be any more. I have left that home because he has physically confronted me many times.

    She has been in this worsening position for 15 years, although she knows it is a horrible place to be in she will not get herself out of it. I understand it is because of guilt about her decision to divide the family and I think because it worked out so horribly the last time she is scared to make a big change again. Whatever the reason I have lost so much sleep, has so many really difficult heart to hearts and given all the advice and offered all the support I possibly can to get her out of the situation. Now I live away from it she is alone and depressed and is not progressing out of her position despite all our talks of plans to do so.

    It would mean the world to me to see her move on and start a new chapter, but nothing seems to happen unless I am there to hold her hand through it and really ensure the steps are taken. The problem is I can be there the whole time, I am 22 and trying to get where I want to be in my own life. I feel terrible that I’m not there to help her through it, but it means putting my life on hold until she is sorted. It is the same situation with my sister who suffers from depression and is really stagnant and struglling to move along with her life. I cant be there for them as much as they need it, and I don’t know what to do. I feel terrible but I have my own life to live. I have tried my best but I just get nowhere.

    What can I do?

    June 24, 2014 at 3:34 pm #59495
    virginia
    Participant

    dear ben
    i had the same situation kind of. i can only tell you that your mum has to find her way out without you. she is co-depending from him. my mum was too. then we got a big fight and she chose his side. we had no contact for 3 years, but it seems it helped her to find her own way. i was not there available for her to talk about her problems, i allowed her to unload her problems on me and in the end suffered from anxiety and panic attacks.
    i am not saying that you should stop seeing your mum or else. i just wanted to show you that whatever you do, it is not your burden. she chose this man. of course you are also suffering from the situation. i find it really good that you acknowledge that you have a life on your own. that’s very important. you cannot spend your life and energy on other people, even if they are your relatives. if it makes you sick, it’s not okay. i’ve been there and i got very sick for years.
    since i started to care for myself lots of things have changed. my mum got the chance to finally realize that i am not always available for her. it forced her to stand up and start to act instead of only argue about her situation.
    i also see today, that caring for myself helped my mum to start caring for herself too. be a good example. live your life, also tell if you don’t want to hear about it again. make sure to keep a distance and to protect yourself without being unfriendly.
    believe in your feelings, follow the ones that feel good to you and good things will happen. you are so young. enjoy your life. it’s precious and so are you.
    you ask in your last sentence: “What can i do”. think about that doing “nothing” is also an action. don’t feel bad about it. your mum is an adult. she’s old enough to take care of herself. it’s her task. i know that we children like to help our parents and especially with dysfunctional families with alcoholic problems. we feel helpless yet we try eveything to make a change. but it is not up to us. we can’t to a thing. just encourange. you already do it. i feel you do everything right. i really do.
    all the best

    June 24, 2014 at 3:51 pm #59497
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Virginia.

    Hi Ben

    I am sorry that you find yourself in such a state at 22. This is your time to fly high and enjoy your life but hey, some times, life throws a curve ball at us to keep us grounded.

    You are not a bad person nor are doing anything wrong. Like Virginia said, mom is an adult and the only person who can help her is HERSELF. You can offer her moral and emotional support (and perhaps financial support if you can afford it) but you cant bring her out of her situation unless she is willing to do it herself.

    There is a very fine line between responsibility and obligation. Be there for her but without any obligations. If you start to feel guilty or start holding negative emotions, then guess what will happen ? No one will benefit. A non-swimmer cant save someone from drowning. Similarly, you need to be in the right space mentally, physically, emotionally and financially to help others out including parents / siblings.

    Offer prayers for her and your sister so that they both get the strength to move forward in life and be there for them as much your schedule or positive emotions allow. Be there for them without expectations or guilt or any negativity.

    May you get the strength to move forward in life yourself.

    Blessings,

    Jasmine

    June 25, 2014 at 3:36 am #59519
    Ben
    Participant

    Thankyou Virginia it is very reassuring to hear I am doing the right thing, your advice is much appreciated

    June 25, 2014 at 4:33 am #59527
    virginia
    Participant

    hi ben
    that’t great. feel free to contact me if you feel the need. you are not alone. many people suffer from these kind of family issues. they say in every family is an alcoholic at least or even more than one. so it’s more “normal” than we think.
    all the best
    virginia

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