My ex broke up with me and gave me a weird reason why (EDITED)

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This topic has 8 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 7 months ago by Brandy.

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August 21, 2018 at 3:38 pm #222441

jace
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I just posted this but it came out formatted with a bunch of extra text for some reason..sorry about that! I’m new here. I hope you can still help me out!

I don’t do this type of thing often (or ever) but I am so desperate for answers it hurts. My ex-boyfriend, my first real, deep, love, dumped me unexpectedly about 3 weeks ago. We’re still really young (22 and 23). I am over the initial depression. I can get up and function and keep moving, unlike how I was in the first week. But what still haunts me is why he said he ended it.

Everything was going really well, I thought, when all of a sudden he just sat me down and told me that he loves me and that he cares about me and that I’m the best girlfriend he’s ever had, but for some reason he’s just not “feeling it” with me. He just said that at some point toward the end of our year long relationship, he realized he didn’t see a future with me. He didn’t know why he felt this way, and it frustrated him because he didn’t want to break up with me because our relationship was so good, but the doubt crept over him until he felt himself starting to pull out commitment wise. He said that I deserved someone who loved me as much and as well as I loved him. He also said that there was nothing I could do to change his mind, and that the problem laid entirely with him and had nothing to do with me.

I have had my “closure talk” with him, so the initial shock and emotion had about a week to settle in so I could hear this information with a clear head, so this is as good of information as I can give you. He said it had nothing to do with wanting anyone else or anything like that, he just felt doubt from an unidentifiable source.

What does this mean? Why does a person have a sudden change of heart? There were times I was unhappy throughout the relationship because I gave 1000% of myself to him and there were times that I didn’t feel it reciprocated and I felt taken for granted—but I always thought it could be overcome with time. The way we started was rocky (casual sex and I caught feelings, he was reluctant to date me but eventually came around). Does that have something to do with it? He loved (loves?) me, but is there a way that I could have loved him too much? Or committed too much? He and I talked about moving in together and getting a pet in the next year or two. Is it possible that two people who are so compatible and get along so well and care about each other so much just..aren’t meant to be for some cosmic, magic reason?

I really need your help. I don’t know what to do and all I want is answers and maybe him back in my life whether that’s as a friend or as a significant other again. We are currently not speaking as per everyone’s advice on getting someone to realize what they lost, but with my situation I don’t even know if it’s effective. Thank you

August 21, 2018 at 6:44 pm #222453
maggie mac
Participant
Hey, so sorry to hear this. I know it’s crushing because I had the same thing happened to me. I think that they really did love us and that we served a purpose in their lives and meant something to them at the time but it just wasn’t enough. I know it hurts to even have to say that. To think that maybe we weren’t enough. But it has nothing to do with you or me it just has to do with the fact that we just weren’t everything they wanted.

I know my boyfriend loved me as I know you’re loved you. But I think the problem lies with them maybe they just can’t love enough. Maybe they’ll never love anyone enough.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by maggie mac.
August 21, 2018 at 9:24 pm #222463

Brandy
Participant

Hi Jace,

It’s really tough, I know. Sorry you’re going through it. I don’t think “cosmic” or “magic” reasons have anything to do with it. His feelings changed, and there may not be a particular reason for it. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there anymore. Have you ever had strong feelings for a guy, you really liked him, thought the two of you were a perfect match, and then one day you didn’t anymore? You couldn’t really say for sure why your feelings changed; they just did, and you could no longer see a future with this person? We all have, haven’t we? It’s part of dating.

Don’t contact him. Don’t do it. He told you he’s not “feeling it” with you and that he doesn’t see a future with you. He also told you there is nothing you can do to change his mind. It’s painful to hear, I know, but you say it haunts you. Why? Neither of you has done anything wrong. You also say his reason for ending the relationship is weird. Why? Reads to me like he’s an honest guy. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and accept these things he told you. Just accept them. The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll feel better. Keep taking deep breaths. Tell yourself you’ll get through this. It’s okay to feel the pain. It won’t kill you. It will make you stronger.

You don’t want to be with a guy who’s not “feeling it”, do you? Wouldn’t you rather be with a guy who’s madly in love with you? So this guy isn’t the right one. Time to move on from him. Be strong. Force yourself to get out there and do the things you love doing. The right guy is out there. You’ll find him.

Hang in there.

B

August 22, 2018 at 9:17 am #222547

Anonymous
Guest

Dear jace:

Reads to me that the following may have happened: when he met you he wasn’t interested in a committed relationship. He was interested instead in sex, mostly. And so the relationship started as casual sex. You then “caught feelings” (your words), pressured him to commit to you, partially succeeded but he was not fully in. This is why you felt that you “gave 1000%… (and) didn’t feel it reciprocated”.

He was conflicted much of the time and finally took a stand, to exit the relationship so to return to the way he was before. It wasn’t “all of a sudden” for him.

At times during the relationship he considered a future with you, but his stand before getting involved with you (not wanting a committed, long term relationship with anyone) was stronger than those moments, maintaining that doubt in him, the doubt that “kept over him”. Tired of doubting, tired of conflict, he took his non-negotiable position (“He also said there was nothing I could do to change his mind”).

What do you think?

anita

August 22, 2018 at 9:19 am #222549

Anonymous
Guest

* didn’t reflect under Topics

August 22, 2018 at 11:09 am #222579

jace
Participant

Brandy,

In all honesty, I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way. Maybe for something small and way less committed (First date went great, second date was eh, third date is a complete change of heart and I stop responding to his text messages), but I’ve never just suddenly lost interest in someone I loved, which I know he did love me. Our chemistry was fantastic and remained fantastic, even when I came to talk to him for closure. The notion is haunting because I don’t know what it means for me and what I can offer people. I loved this boy the best that I could and he said he knew that and he appreciated every second of it, but he was still able to change his mind. How can I trust myself to love anyone like that again if I know that people can just change their minds for no reason? The last thing I want out of this is to become jaded.

August 22, 2018 at 11:18 am #222585

jace
Participant

Anita,

That has been my suspicion since he ended it. In fact, that was the suspicion whenever I felt like I was being taken for granted during the relationship too. But does that mean he never loved me? I accused him of not loving me when he ended it, but he insisted that what he felt was real and that he did fall deeply in love with me, and continues to be deeply in love with me, but the doubt became too overwhelming to ignore. He told me he would always love me and that he appreciated everything I did for him and what I meant to him, but he just cannot be in a relationship with me.

Does this also mean that there will be a time when he is ready to be in a committed relationship? Should I make myself open to contact from him if that ever does happen or should I totally shut the door on him and never look back? This doesn’t mean I will be sitting around waiting for him, by the way. I am ready to get moving in my life. I’m tired of being sad.

He also says he wants to be friends with me. I think this has something to do with him still loving me/appreciating my company, and not willing to let me go completely. Should I let that happen?

August 22, 2018 at 11:52 am #222591

Anonymous
Guest

Dear jace:

Reads to me that he did love you, I have no reason to doubt that, reading what you shared. But it also reads to me that he adjusts the truth a bit so to be nice to you, to minimize your hurt about the breakup: telling you that he is still “deeply in love” with you, for one. Saying that he will always love you, well, he can’t predict the future, so I won’t give that statement much value even if it was sincere.

Reads to me, again, that he is being as nice as he can be to you, trying really hard to be nice and yet, to be very clear with you that the relationship has been ended. So if I was you, I would close the door on it and move on. Learn all you can from it, and move on.

One thing to learn is that if you are interested in a committed relationship, see to it that the man you are considering for a relationship is interested in the same thing and then learn about each other to see if it is a match.

anita

August 22, 2018 at 12:37 pm #222595

Brandy
Participant

Hi jace,

I understand what you’re saying. When I used the word “chemistry” I wasn’t referring to only sexual chemistry; I meant the whole package — something within this relationship is missing for him at this point in his life. His words were that he’s just not “feeling it”. You know what you want; you want him, and he knows that. He sees how committed you are and he’s just not there, unfortunately. So he’s doing what he thinks he needs to do. This isn’t so unusual for guys his age.

You ask: How can I trust myself to love anyone like that again if I know that people can just change their minds for no reason? Let me just say that a lot of guys at this age simply aren’t ready to commit to one woman long term. He may be one of these guys. There’s a good chance it may just be the timing for him. He’s just not there.

There are no guarantees in relationships, it’s true. So we collect as much information as we can and make decisions based on what we know. He gave you signs. There were times you felt taken for granted and that the love you gave him wasn’t reciprocated. Trust your instincts. You read to me like a level-headed person. When something doesn’t feel right, trust yourself to recognize it.

I know it’s difficult and I know you would like a different outcome. Feel free to keep posting and I’ll try my best to help you through this.

B
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