Anita,

Thank you for this response. It is true, I have certainly lost my rational side. I feel so much jealousy and pain that I can barely see through it. I can barely acknowledge the facts – the facts being that I did make the right decision to leave him, that he is still drinking, that he hurt me over and over because of his erratic and selfish behavior. But it still feels so unfair that he is able to move on so quickly, to be able to invest in someone else. It feels like I’m the only one suffering, that his pain only stems from hurting me and not missing me or not being able to be with me. I feel a dark cloud over me every morning, and wake up with anxiety in the middle of the night.

I so badly want to feel center again. I want to make a plan for how to deal with it, and stick to it, but every day my emotions change so rapidly. The only major step I’ve taken is blocking him from my phone. But I feel like I have so much to say to him still, mostly because I want some kind of explanation, I want him to say things to make me feel better. I know that isn’t going to happen though, yet I cling to it. I know people handle things differently, but I was the first woman he has loved and I know he loved me deeply. We talked about marriage, we were moving in together. It baffles me how he could be so able to give that to someone else this quick. Thoughts of him moving on make me nauseous. No matter how much I try and control my thoughts, they seem to spiral into sadness and despair.

Anita,

thank you again. I think you have a higher awareness than someone with a broken heart:) I am truly grateful for your insight.

I feel that because he is able to have a relationship with someone else, he is more at peace with not being together than I am. Although I left him, the heart still very much wants him. It is agonizing knowing he’s with someone who is much more aligned to his interests and values (we disagreed on religion and politics, and he was very much sure he wanted a family). Even knowing I would never change my views on certain things, this still hurts. It hurts that he has so quickly found this woman who shares with him the things I didn’t. Again, the jealousy and insecurity takes over my thoughts.

I am trying to understand and realize that someone else’s love and affection and attention does not make me whole or complete or more worthy. But I’ve struggled this problem since I started dating, have gone to some therapy for it, but it seems worse than ever.

Anita,

In different posts I made months ago, I had mentioned that I experienced some molestation from my father when I was pretty young. The relationship was always dysfunction: he was also an alcoholic and drug user, he was a womanizer, and I think always made me feel like my looks mattered most more than anything (which I can see come through in my insecurities and self esteem). My mother was always there and always providing, but was stressed out to the limit and I had to support myself and help her from my early teenage years. The financial burden has and is still stressful, because there’s not much of any safety net. I know these issues have manifested in my romantic relationships when things start to go bad, and I do feel overly needy but usually only when I start to feel that the other is pulling away ( and I think this has been in my head more than happening in reality.) Sex has always been confused with love and attraction, with self worth for me. I reconogze that now. I’m just not sure how to move from just recognizing these things to healing and actually changing my thoughts/behaviors.

Anita,

Do you mean safety in real terms – such as not being physically hurt or having enough money to have shelter over my head? If so, I feel physically safe day to day with the community I have and where I live. Financially, I am doing OK. I’d like to have more of savings account, but I’m working on building that up. It seems for me, more than a safety issue, there is this deep lack of built-in self-worth. I see it come out when a partner pulls away, or breaks things off in a relationship. I totally shut down, and I’m willing to go through so much just to have it back. It’s like everything I feel and think about myself rides on this person’s love and desire. In losing the most current one, I didn’t feel that as much since I decided I had to leave. I held on to his love for me thinking he’ll want me and love me for a long time. When I saw him, and he told me about his feelings and involvement for this other woman, I was absolutely shattered. I understand that humans experience pain and grief such as this, but for me it seems overly devastating, not a healthy dose of pain. I was utterly crippled for weeks, and still am to some degree. I got so sick I had to go to the hospital. All because I left him and he decided to pursue someone else. I know he has every right to, and I know I have no business being with him anyway. But it was the other woman, and his pulling away from me romantically, that crushed me. I am trying to understand where that comes from and what exactly I am lacking so badly to feel such deep sorrow for myself when these things happen.

Do you have suggestions for how to change those neuropathways? Perhaps my therapist can speak to this, but I’ve never gotten any kind of solid advice. I read often on meditation and trying to be present and accepting of current situations. But these methods seem to fail in the face of such sorrow.

Thank you again, truly.

That is very powerful to say the least. I’ve never thought of it in that way, but it makes sense. I didn’t even realized I was molested until I was much older, my early 20s. I would think about the situation but never felt like it was wrong, until I realized what it was. I never thought it had any effect on me until I saw some very vulnerable and uncontrollable things manifest through romantic relationships. I don’t remember being sad as a girl though. I don’t remember missing my father when my parents split or feeling bad about him touching me in that way. The most discomfort I remember was feeling was helplessness and sadness for my mother, with all her depression and financial stress.

The stress was very, very apparent. There were times when she would totally meltdown – literally throwing things, yelling, crying. She got very emotional during the holidays and one time she basically turned everything in the house over, throwing everything on the floor, knocking over furniture, just totally unhinged. These episodes happened throughout my life, even recently as she suffers from bad depression and other issues I don’t really have a clinical definition for. I can rely on her and we have a good relationship now, but I guess there was still always that feeling that I needed to be self-sufficient.