Dear Happi:

My summary of your share and my understanding of it: Because you and your boyfriend are of different castes, expecting your parents’ disapproval of the relationship, you suggested to him at times that the two of you separate. A year and a half into the relationship you told him that maybe if he had an excellent career then your parents may approve of the relationship.

On his part, he repeatedly asked you: “what if I wait and you go with someone else?”. You answered him: “either I marry you or no one else”.  Eventually you gave him a different answer, that “he was free to do what he wants”.  Four months after your answer he told you that he moved on from the relationship with you. You asked him to get back together and he said No. You then waited for a year, waiting for him to change his mind.

During the breakup he had a relationship with another woman, one that included physical intimacy. He complained to you about her, “how she poorly treated him. And that he had realized his mistake”. Later he broke up with her and got back together with you, “But still was hanging out with her”. You told him that you didn’t like it. His response was that “it wasn’t fair to her. He was always seeing from her point of view”. You told him that it was not fair to you. He repeatedly responded with how it was unfair to her.

Now you are struggling: you used to trust him blindly, you no longer do. “he failed me”, you wrote. But you “love him so much, he’s my best friend, my soulmate who I’ve always wanted to spend my life with”.

Later you shared that when you were depressed, he was not there for you, not answering your calls and when on a call with you, he “cut it while I’m talking”. One time you were particularly distressed and “couldn’t bear with the pain of separation”, asked to see him and he told you refused, didn’t even speak over the phone with you.

You wrote : “I have always been there for him when he was in misery but when I needed him the most, he just turned his back… He would yell over the phone… I didn’t know (how) to make him understand that I was human with feelings and emotions. He’s call me immature… I treated him with so much empathy and compassion. He didn’t return half of that… I am patient with him even when he yells”.

Your question: “Today he tells me he is ready to do whatever. But how do I forget all this?”

My answer: you can’t forget all this, neither should you forget it.

You started your thread with: “My boyfriend and I were best friends”.  Notice the italicized is in the past tense. And I agree, the two of you aren’t best friends anymore and haven’t been for a long time. Later on you wrote: “he’s my best friend, my soulmate”- I disagree. He was your best friend and maybe he was your soulmate, that is, someone very close to you. Not anymore, and not for a while.

When he yells at you, when he does not return your care and compassion but points to you as immature, when he gives priority to the feelings of others (the other woman, his friends) over yours, these are not the actions of a best friend, not even that of a friend.

The two of you are of different castes and that is likely to be a big problem in getting married. But why aim at getting married at all with a man who hurts you and has hurt you for a long time?

Why choose a man who is not good for you?

Your answer may be: because he was my best friend, my soulmate… but he is no longer these things and hasn’t been these things for a long time.

Your answer may be: because he told you that “he is ready to do whatever”-

is that last one your answer?

anita

Dear Happi:

You are welcome.

I understand about the career. Also, that you were friends before dating. You wrote that he is still your best friend.

Does he no longer yell at you and did he promise to not yell at you again?

anita

Dear Happi:

I suggest that you aim at letting go of what bothers you about the past with him only if and when the past is indeed in the past.

If he yelled at you but no longer yells at you; if he listens to you respectfully; if he treats your feelings as his priority, if … if and when he does, then aim at forgiving him for his past mistreatments.

Not before.

See to it that you treat him well and see to it that he treats you well. See to it that you are honest with him and see to it that he is honest with you. Keep your eyes open. Blind trust at this point is unwise.

anita