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My daughter is in a toxic relationship!

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • February 21, 2016 at 4:38 am #96625
    Shelly
    Participant

    My 18 year old daughter has been seeing this lad since New Year.
    This boy constantly screams in her face,accuses her of cheating if she even goes to the toilet,he doesnt believe her when she says she’s at home with me! He doesnt believe in education or working and therefore makes her late!
    I’ve seen hurtful text messages and i’ve heard him swearing down the phone at her.
    The reason they argue so much though is that my daughter stands up for herself and wont allow his attempts to dominate her. She has massively struggled with different issues and has been in councelling for over a year after an overdose attempt last year,what little confidence she has built up over a year I’m worried will be taken from her.
    On friday he threw her to the ground and spoke about ‘ smashing her head in’! What kind of vile person is he!! I am so concerned as my daughter wouldn’t allow me to go to the police but also he always manages to get round her. She has tried to break things off with him many times but he hounds her with texts/ phone calls etc. This is happening now! I have had to try a diiferent method this time and told her that I will get involved if he continues to bombard her.
    I am a single mum and have little family around,A situation like this makes me very vunerable.This boy has little respect for woman and I feel he would respond better to a man’s presence! My daughters dad has little contact with her and would be completely useless in this situation.
    I guess I’m not looking for answers really, i just needed to vent! I cried all day yesterday,i feel so helpless right now!!

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Shelly.
    February 21, 2016 at 5:09 am #96627
    Shelly
    Participant

    My daughter believes she deserves to be treated this way,she feels her dad never made her feel loved or important!
    I tell her over and over how beautiful,smart and amazing she is.How proud I am of her,she has overcome so much in her young life…she is brave,determined and strong…so so sad she just doesnt see it!!

    February 21, 2016 at 8:36 am #96643
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shelly:’

    You didn’t ask for input. Would you like suggestions/ communication about this?

    anita

    February 21, 2016 at 10:23 am #96659
    Shelly
    Participant

    Thankyou Anita,I would really appreciate your input xx

    February 21, 2016 at 11:10 am #96665
    Ashley
    Participant

    Hello Shelby, I would be more than glad to help you with your problem. I don’t know if you wanted advice or input but all i can really tell you is to be there for your daughter and let her know that she doesn’t need anyone who belittles her. Let her know that she is better than that and if things get out of hand i do think you should disregard your daughters request to not go to the police. Domestic abuse is not something to sit back and watch i do think you should talk to her about it, take action before (God forbid) but before things get out of hand. maybe have her block him on all social media’s and his number. make sure they have little to no contact with each other. just be there for your daughter. i know easier said than done, but im extremely sorry and wish you the best of luck.

    February 21, 2016 at 3:11 pm #96686
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shelly:

    My input: doing what you did so far didn’t work and unfortunately, more of the same is not going to work. Please try to calm yourself first and accept the situation, for now, as it is. It is what it is so might as well accept it. For now. Then all you can do is be empathetic to your daughter, listen to her, repeat to her what she says so she knows you heard her. She needs to be heard, validated, not pressured.

    she is not going to respond well to you pressuring her to do any particular thing, no matter it can save her life and is for her own good. This is an important point: pressuring her to leave him will backfire. This is my position.

    So empathetic, listen, do not advise her. Be a safe place for her to vent, to express herself. Listen to her like you never did before. Really listen. And when you listen really well, really “get her” and she knows you get her, she knows one person in the whole world gets her and is not abusive to her, that would be a winning combination for her.

    anita

    February 22, 2016 at 11:51 pm #96876
    Shelly
    Participant

    Thankyou so much. My daughter is being very open with me as I am,like you suggested,making a huge effort to just listen.
    She is confused and feels really bad that he is sending her constant messages and phone calls asking if she will confirm the relationship is over or is it that she just needs space!!! I don’t understand how he just doesn’t see that he has committed the ultimate crime and physically hurt another person!!
    She asked me to hold onto her phone yesterday because she felt tempted to confirm,by text,it was over but from past experience, she knows this will only lead to him persuading her for another chance.
    I’m annoyed that his mum has also contacted my daughter because her son is upset!!! I’m sure he hasn’t told her what he did to my daughter! His mum is being pleasant but that just adds more pressure to my daughter. Very frustrating!
    I want to contact her myself and explain that I could have easily gone to the police about her son assaulting my daughter! She needs to leave her alone!

    February 23, 2016 at 10:02 am #96896
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shelly:

    It is good your daughter is in the process of ending this relationship and is reaching out to you for help, talking to you and giving you her phone so not to be tempted to answer him.

    His mother contacted your daughter- this is outrageous to me and as I read it I thought about you contacting her… I don’t know. I think it is inappropriate for her to contact your daughter! Maybe you should contact her, I don’t know. And maybe you should go to the police…I don’t know about these two things. Depending on whether your daughter is indeed getting stronger. If his mother contacts your daughter again, this is a real problem, a kind of pressure that is not fair for your daughter to experience!

    You do need a lot of calming yourself again and again, Shelly. I can see how very distressing this is for you and understandably so. I wonder if you can get good professional advice on the matter, maybe anonymous advice from the police, just information regarding what would happen if you report him. And maybe advice from a domestic violence counselor, one who has lots of experience with this. Maybe take your daughter to see one…?

    anita

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