Anon,

your kinds word to me helped me a little so I hope my words help you. I was molested when I was young and I kept going back because that person gave me the attention my parents didn’t give me. I am 35 and not a day goes by when I don’t blame myself for it. But let me be clear, this man was touching me inappropriately and making me touch him. it was disgusting. what you said above doesn’t sound inappropriate to me but I come from India where people are affectionate. I use to like an older boy (maybe 13 or 14) when I was young and if he ever picked me up or kissed me on my cheek, it made my day. I never think badly about that person as he was a sweetheart.

I hope you can understand the contrast above. 1 man was a paedophilic and 1 was just an affectionate person.

I hope this helps you a little.

have a good day 🙂

Dear Anon:

You were 14 or 15 year old boy, a teenager at the time. Almost every weekend you spent overnight at a friend’s home, another teenage boy I assume. In a room close by was his 4-5 year old sister, alone in the room,  a parent or parents also in the home, correct?

I hope parents are reading this, anyone reading this becomes aware of the danger in having teenage boys sleeping over, having access to little girls (and boys). And so, anyone reading this and aware of a situation like this happening someplace can warn the parents in that house. Visiting teenage boys should not have access to little significantly young girls or boys: the sexual urges of a teenage boy are not to be underestimated

This very warning given by readers to others in their lives may be a positive result of your thread.

From what you have shared, the details you shared about the incident, doesn’t seem to me that damage was done to that girl: no sexual touching of her, or her touching you, no threats made by you, no aggression, no talking at all, no touching. And so, telling her or her parents about it is useless and possibly damaging to the girl. Let’s say she has emotional difficulties at this time, if you tell her, she may think that that incident was the cause, thinking more happened than what did happen that particular night or during other nights you spent there, and that such is the cause of her emotional troubles. In so thinking, she will not attend to what did indeed cause her troubles.

And so, not a good idea. You are motivated to make things right, you wrote. Well, one way is to increase parents’ awareness, as I suggested you already did in the context of this very thread. Another is to heal yourself best you can, heal from your “deep depression and anxiety”. The healthier you are, the better you treat others. You earn self forgiveness by dedicating yourself to self healing and to the principle of do-no-harm today and every day.

anita

Dear Anon:

I am not surprised this incident seems worse t you than other mistakes. Sex has this kind of affect, making any wrongdoing or possible wrongdoing feel way worse than it was. People feel guilty for imagining having sex with a person close to them, only for imagining, for what never exited the distance between one’s ears, never spoken or actualized.

Are we guilty, do you think, of what we think and imagine, for example, imagining having a sexual interaction with someone we shouldn’t, in real life, have such interaction, while never speaking of it or acting on it in any way?

anita

Dear Anon:

I too have done things I regret, and if I could go back in time, I would and undo those things. I would make great efforts to go back in time so to undo, so to correct my past behaviors. I apologized to a few individuals and made amends, significant financial amends, but it didn’t help me to forgive myself. I still believe making amends when damage was likely or certainly took place, is necessary. The way I finally was able to forgive myself was one and one only: my  healing process. It is that process that earned me my self forgiveness.

Back to the specific topic of your thread, that incidence: if you believe that you are not guilty for thinking, imagining and feeling, for what is not actualized in behavior, for what exists only in your head (I believe so, definitely), then what if you do the following exercise, when you are calm and ready: peel off the thoughts, imagining, feelings you had and see only your behavior that night, only what you did (again, without the commentary of feelings and urges). You may have a different view of that night.

After all, it is only what you did (not what you thoughts or felt) that could have affected the little girl.

If you do this exercise, let me know how it goes, if you’d like.

anita

Dear Anon:

You already asked yourself these questions (paragraph before last) and answered them before starting this thread, haven’t you? And you felt momentarily relief as a result but did not resolve the issue, correct?

What I suggested earlier is to imagine that night like a movie, a silent movie, no commentary, no music, no special effects, just what happened. A dry memory, no colors either.

anita