Sorry in advance for long post! I don’t even know where to start. For the last 8 months I was in a serious relationship with a paranoid delusional schizophrenic. I have serious codependency problems that stem from my father’s suicide when I was 16 and although I thought I had worked through them, the fact that I dove into this relationship headfirst tells me otherwise. He is so much like my father and I know intellectually I am trying to save him when I could not save my father and needing my boyfriend to not abandon me the way my dad did. I put my ex on a pedestal and worshipped him as my savior (not the first time to do this in a relationship).

I UNDERSTAND everything in my head but what I’ve been put through is more than I can handle emotionally and I think I am now having PTSD and am seriously depressed. Been suicidal for the last couple months since he “broke up” with me 2 days before Christmas. After he told me we couldn’t be together romantically anymore because we are just not quite at the same vibration, we proceeded to spend the next week and a half together because he felt it would be a nicer way to move forward than to just break it off cleanly. He told me that he will always love me and I am the best woman he has ever known. We are soul family and he will do anything for me. He is forever grateful for everything I have done for him and we both helped each other grow and learn deep lessons. He said I am beautiful and perfect and that I need to own my power. These things are all true and wise and what made me trust in him completely, even when he said “I’m not leaving you”. But guess what? He did.

I have always carried shame and unworthiness like a disease and looked to everyone else to fill up the void and tell me who I am. And every one of them has left me. I feel so deeply flawed and can’t even connect to God anymore. Can’t meditate – can’t use any of the spiritual tools that I deeply believed in a few months ago, and it’s mostly because now all that reminds me of him. He is a deeply spiritual person but as I sad – he is sick. Schizophrenia is the scariest thing I have ever seen. He doesn’t believe he has it. He truly believes the voices in his head and what they tell him to do and thinks this has led him to awakening and enlightenment – so much that he’s the only one who can really understand what’s going on at that level (his words). I see the narcissistic qualities in him. I see the many, many ways in which his thinking is flawed (no doubt spurred by his condition) but I bought all of it. The CIA chasing us, the tin foil hats (not kidding), the time jumping, the energy scrambling so “they” can’t pinpoint us – all of it. And I really started to believe everything he said so much that I still cannot decide what’s “real” and what’s not. Who’s to say? And all the while I kept / keep giving him my body and sobbing and telling him how much I will miss him. He says it’s hard for him too. We have both shed a lot of tears.

I do know that this relationship would kill me in the end so I should be grateful it’s over. But the thought of not having that “excitement” in my life and not being able to talk to him anymore has literally made me throw up a few times. I get so anxious to the point of dizziness yet can’t seem to make myself move to do dishes, etc. I can barely get to work and skate by. I’m seeing a new therapist who wants me on Prozac and an anti-depressant. I tried one but the energy of it all felt so wrong I just couldn’t do it. I have no urge to numb out. I need to get through this without being clouded.

I’m so lost and have no idea how to move forward. I want to learn to love myself and have read everything and talked until I’m blue in the face, but I don’t seem to be able to digest any of it. I can’t see what’s in the future even a minute beyond right now. It looks like a big blank. Thanks for listening. There are a million more things I want to say but I’m getting lengthy…