Home→Forums→Relationships→My codependency with schizophrenic ex-boyfriend
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Anonymous.
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February 9, 2017 at 9:51 am #127112
Anonymous
GuestDear Crystal:
I think that you would have done anything and everything possible for you, and that you would have pushed yourself beyond the possible, to prevent your father from committing suicide. I think that his suicide meant not only the end for him, but for you. I think you still fear the same, your own ending, and that is the “big blank” you referred to in “It looks like a big blank.”
Truth is, it only feels this way, like the end. For him it was, for your father. But it was not then, and it is not now, your end. It only FEELS this way.
Truth also is that it feels as badly as if it was true. Please, say that to yourself: It only feels this way. This feeling will not kill me. I survived this feeling for years and I will continue to survive it for as long as it takes.
Please do post more-
anita
February 9, 2017 at 11:09 am #127116Crystal
ParticipantThank you, Anita. I appreciate that and do realize it’s only feelings. They won’t kill me but it certainly feels that way. My therapist tells me to sit with the feelings but at this point I’m not even sure what I feel. I think anger is part of it but I don’t feel I deserve to be angry because of his illness – how can you be mad at a sick person? So many things I’ve been through with him. Driving down the highway at 2am doing 110mph with the lights off and throwing salt out the windows because it’s protective. Ripping all the UPC labels off everything in the house because they can track us. Taking a shower in cold dirty standing water then wearing his clothes – don’t even remember why at this point. Him backing me into a corner and poking me because negative energy was coming through me and I had to release the demons and get my “people” (apparently the Muslims) in check so they can understand the deeper meaning of love. Creating these strange electrical devices and moving them around to scramble the energy. And the hardest, not mentioning details about anything – but I never got the rules quite right about what I could and couldn’t say or ask so most of the time I was just quiet. He is so full of rage and fear himself and wants revenge on those he feels abused him, but he says he will take them down with love. I really don’t even know what that means, but in his mind it’s going deeper and deeper to be at the level of awakening that no one else can achieve and fight some war involving aliens and technology that we’re bring controlled by. Anyway – I’ve been sufficiently brainwashed to the point that I have no idea who I am anymore. I BECAME him and now I’m lost and trying to figure out how to move on in my life with no direction. Again, thanks for listening.
February 9, 2017 at 11:20 am #127118Anonymous
GuestDear Crystal:
I think you have the right to be angry with him even though he is mentally ill because really, no one is that well, mentally and so, no one has the right to be angry with anyone…? We get angry naturally when someone hurts us- it is an automatic response to being hurt, regardless of anything else. When you feel anger at him, let it be.
Becoming him in those… exciting ways, maybe, was a relief from being you, wasn’t it? Like taking a ride in some other life and getting a break from your own?
anita
March 24, 2018 at 9:19 pm #199287Zoe
ParticipantHi Crystal,
I know you posted this a while ago now but I just stumbled across this when Googling something about schizophrenia as I too am left still in complete heartbreak about losing a man from my life who also has schizophrenia. Although he is also a functioning alcoholic alongside this. Reading your experience was like speaking from my own heart and I have to admit I struggled not to cry as I was reading. So many triggers 2 months on and so many unanswered questions. Id really love to speak to you if youre still on this site. I talk to no one about it as nobody understands so would love to share some insights and maybe it’d help us both.Thanks
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