Hes very focused on building his financial struggle up, hes decided to be a personal trainer, his going to do some modelling now and he might be coaching part time at our gym as well as online English teaching. I love that his growing his ambition and goals. I of coarse am a little concerned about him not having time for me and for us. but if i want us to work long term i have to grow with him before he outgrows me. This may be harsh and a horrible things for me thing for me to be thinking but its very possible. He has told me before that love bubbles him in and makes him lose focus on his goals, So on one hand things are progressing between us as we balance out our day to day lives but i feel i should focus on building hobbies outside our relationship because he feels very boxed in and guilty to do things without me. I dont really have close friends anymore and im very picky with who i surround myself with. Hes my best friend but i dont want to limit him in anyway even though its very hard and i still hold alot of  pain because of what happened 2 months ago. We havent had any conversation about the break or gotten any closure and i feel myself becoming a little dependent on him because of the insecurities i have and the fears that i hold inside. He doesnt know how much the break damaged me and i dont want him to see me as weak or needy. Its difficult to juggle my unresolved pain and progress in my self growth. but ill take it one day at a time.

He wants to go hiking with his friend on sunday and i got a little disappointed because he told me he would take me to this specific place to hike and ive asked him to plan a romantic date and its been 2 weeks and ive still not been taking on that date, i told him id be happy if he just plans something romantic at home but for the last 2 nights his little sister has been sleeping over at our place so we havent had much opportunity to be alone at the right time to have a good heart to heart conversation.

I cant tell if he wants to grow a life with me or if hes just building his own life and theres a good chance once his doing better he will flake on me again.

That sounds perfect, things have been running smooth recently. although his little sister is now also having trouble with their mom. As you know their mother is a nightmare and has put all her children through hell, his little sister went as far as slitting her wrist. Well my boyfriend and hes brother tried talking to thier mom to speak some sense in her but she just played victim and denied all the disruption and pain she has caused to their lives. So the last couple of knights his little sister has been staying over at our place. And my boyfriend has really tried stepping up to be there for his little sister, so his need to become financially stable has increased. I was sick all day yesterday and he took great care of me, he had to clean, cook as well as had his little sister stay over last night which was quite a busy day for him. I thanked him and showed great appreciation.

I think that every child who has had a rough relationship with a parent seeks the closure when they are adults. My boyfriend has many bad habits and little ticks that causes a reaction out of him which is not always pleasant but its all due to his childhood. He has had many inconsistency and he had to face things on his own and he finds comfort in not being responsible for anybody but himself, We were madly inlove and we were the perfect couple and he was always the one to progress and take the steps in our relationship so he wanted us to get this serious but he couldnt handle the responsibility of taking care of me in all aspects of our life living together. Things became routine and monotonous and we stopped being the young ambitious people we use to be. He lost his drive and the spark and became depressed  after his loss and it caused troubles in our relationship where i was overworked and resentful. We argued alot more than normal and he eventually just wanted to be single and there was nothing i could do to change his mind.

He truly was going through an identity crises, he has so much fear and anxiety because of our relationship being so serious and our personal growth going nowhere, we both started clashing and becoming resentful and suddenly things were complicated and we weren’t doing very well as a couple nor as individual and he panicked because he couldn’t see himself stuck like this being incompetent and us arguing. He then just wanted to detach himself from everything. he felt like a failure because he was failing not only within himself and career but also failing me and our life together, he couldn’t handle the pressure and all that came was his fight or flight. I was so sure he was going to end things, he became someone i didnt know. I couldn’t believe someone who was suppose to love me could do what he did but some how he overcame his anxiety and slowly started moving closer to me, i told him many times he needs to distance himself from me if he no longer wants me in his life, i told him to stop texting me and stop trying to be nice to me and he couldn’t handle me ignoring him and he just started drawing even closure. I at that point felt like he no longer wanted the break and initiated that we end the break and be a couple again but he still hadnt gotten over his anxiety of commitment, providing for me and taking responsibility for our life together was something he had great fear for but somehow during that break he overcame his lazy habits, stepped out of his comfort zone, looked for ways to help his financial status and found his masculinity again. I truly think he behaved like a coward who does not deserve me for running away and abandoning me because he feared the responsibility but he day by day worked through it, i did help him alot and try to open his eyes to his actions and how hes behaving unreasonable. Well for the last 2 months things have gotten better and we are in a much better place that we were before even before the break, he respects me, he protects and cares for me, we have open communication and he has managed to get his sex drive back which has put him in a much better mood. Yes i do have some pain and anger for what he did but i have forgiven him so that i can heal, I am alot more cautious with my heart and we are still yet to talk about the break and really bury that horrible time in our relationship and that needs to happen in its right time. i am alot happier and so is he.

It may seem that all my focus is on this relationship and him but i came to this forum for specific help with understanding the troubles in my relationship so i have only shared my in depth thoughts based on this particular matter. As well to get alot off my chest as this was an extremely difficult time in my life.

To ensure this type of thing never happens again, i will need to have a conversation with him getting to the bottom of why he did it. By understanding his reasons and showing my support for how he felt i can get him to hear how he significantly hurt me. and from there i hope to get a promise that its not okay to do that and that he will do his very best not to have it happen again.

Hi Anita,

So although everything’s going good and ive seen some great changes in our relationship i am more aware now of how easy he gets it, i usually let him off the hook so easy when he doesnt stay true to his promises or cancels plans so he has become quite comfortable not putting in all that much effort so ive started asking more of what i want and making it clear when im disappointed, i do not pressure him or nag but i am less accepting of his lazy habits and instead of keeping quiet and picking up his slack i make it known what standard im willing to accept from him. I support him through all difficulties and like most dudes his gotten comfortable with not doing his part in the relationship and our life together. By being more stern and calmly vocal about how i feel regarding certain things it prevents me from building up unnecessary resentment and allows him the chance to put in the effort i deserve. i know deep down due to his inconsistent childhood and lack of stability he has commitment phobia, he hasn’t needed to take responsibility much his whole life other than of himself and thats why he is attached to being alone and working through life and challenges by himself. He really loves me but his phobia makes him avoident. An average person who is raised fairly well and has had the right influences around them would feel secure and grateful to have a relationship like our, a bond and connection that is so healthy and successful anybody in our shoes would start moving towards getting married and building a life together. But it frightens him being responsible for me (being someones partner in life comes with responsibilities and it scares him because he finds safety and security in being alone and only responsible for himself) he is not the usual kind of messed up where you its obvious to see, Hes childhood damage has been revealed to me only through the challenges of our relationship together, where most people dont usually have that much of an issue or emotional reaction, he is triggered and acts unreasonably due to pain and fear because of his past.