I do hate how much im willing to wait for him to be the man i need and know him to be, Im completely inlove and i am attached to all people i grow to love, i hold great value to those i love and i consider them irreplaceable. Its so complicated because he is a good man and he cares for me, im probably the closest and most important person in his life and i guess i just want more from him, i fully know that his drive and focus to make a success of himself is whats stealing alot of his time and energy and as a partner i need to be patient while his on this journey to success, its going to mean he has less time and energy for me especially because his an athlete. What did scare me was that his phobia was stronger than his love for me and he allowed a break to go on for almost 3 months which i find mind blowing because he and i use to be completely against breaks, he and i didnt have much family to rely on and we were just 5 months into living in our own place. Maybe it was all the pressure and arguing that caused the distance between us, perhaps that was a contributing factor to his phobia that he didn’t want to be limited and living unhappy. It angers me to think about how he could do that to me and a part of me is fearlful of bringing up the break conversation too soon, I know i have to give it some time and allow us to be happy and reconnect and fix what was broken with the new relationship we have. He is definitely trying and i cant expect too much from him so am appreciative of the happiness we currently have. Him and i are very much about self discovery and we both reflect on our childhoods to figure certain things about us and that has been working where we create a safe environment to really dig into our past and how that perhaps affects our current relationship. Its difficult for him to cope with emotional based conversations but i encourage him to explore into what makes him tik and why he is avoidant.

I too have had been exposed to alot of negative things as a child, and my family still have negative tendencies that cause an upset tick in me. My boyfriend keeps me level headed when visiting them and i keep him level headed when we visit his mom and step dad. He is very aware now of how his emotional trigger towards his mom and hes handled it very well. He has developed a great defense and no tolerance towards her which has been working out. He and i having childhood issues and us learning and discovering together has brought us closer and also allows us to bare more of our vulnerable side to each other. I am the closest person i his life that has reflected him om himself… What i mean is i make him aware and conscious of who he is. I always help put things in perspective and offer him great advice as his journey goes along. I have used my childhood battles as purpose  to grow and stay conscious and to never become people like my family.

Thank you very much anita,

i understand revisiting abusive and negative family members stir up the inner wounds we have since a child. I see how creating more of a distance helps us heal and grow without the reminder of past pain.

We have recently found out that his mom and stepdad is getting a divorce. As for him and I things are going good. He is very level headed and much more understanding and hes showing initiative in our life together which im happy about. But i still have not had the conversation about our break. I dont want to have it too soon and i feel im bringing it up indirectly and showing im not going to tolerate less than i deserve. I dont exactly know how to start that conversation because i know all he will want to do is protect my feelings and not ruin how good things are going between us which is another reason why its difficult to pick a timing because i too dont want to ruin things but how can i let go of my inner distrust towards him, most of the time i forget we even had a break but then i realize that this man is unpredictable and until he feels that he has found himself as a man… there is still a chance he may break my heart in the future. He said many things and gave me many different reasons for needing that break but none of which made sense. And i cant assume i know what was going on in his head… I know he would want to sound like that break was necessary for him and that the reasoning is far bigger than our relationship.  He will never own up to a stupid decision driven by stupid emotions… he will try and justify and make it sound like he knows what hes doing. Trying to get a head strong person to confess their wrong doings is like trying to move a mountain. Although i am still positive… it still infuriates me that he is continuing our relationship innocently and has never apologized for the pain he caused me.

Yes there are a few small reasons but none that could cause someone to run with fear like he did. He is not perfect and he knows that therefor we each have our faults and we have always been open and honest about it. We both are fully aware that we are still growing and learning. Based on all that has happened i have realized that he was still finding himself. Having to be a man, a provider and to be sure of himself is something he battles with because he wants to be a champion in his fighting career but his career comes with alot of challengers and sometimes failures and results in him battling with low self esteem, low drive, and on the edge of depression. This is something i know for sure now is that if he does not feel good within himself , its very hard for him to be happy with me. He is a man looking to be secure financially and within himself… He truly wants to be a good man and excellent at what he does, hes scared of failure. Deep in his subconscious somewhere he feels if he fails he is not worthy of me, and that is something i cant change his mind about. Until he feels a certain type of security within himself he can not give his time and attention to me. I will not be a first priority until he is secure, and that is not my journey to walk although i can support and love him regardless. i have to respect that he is still young and finding himself is part of his maturing and becoming a man. All i need to do is be his peace and allow him the space to get through certain feelings he has. Knowing all i know now helps me not take his bad moods and distant mind personally. He is good to me, he is gentle and loving when his heart is open but when he is feeling under the weather or going through growing pains within himself or his career i need to show him love and give him space instead of feeling like i did something wrong.

I feel he probably feels like if he were to go through this part of his life alone it would be alot easier. He feels strongest alone. Although i bring so much positive benefits to our life he still feels pressured by his need to provide and i can imagine how scary it must be for him because our life together requires him to step up and be a man and he has never needed to provide, protect and take care of anyone other than himself. He was very selfish and single minded before he fell inlove with me, and everytime he has come to face a failure in his career it has made him question everything he is as a man and that resulted in the 2 breaks we had over the 2 years 7 months of us dating. Hes career is the most important thing to him as it is to alot of men, a career gives them a sense of purpose , security to provide and competent status, I only learned that recently and it makes great sense to why hes so affected by his career. He trains everyday and is exhausted everyday but he spends what free time he has with me and sometimes he isnt in the best of moods and he just kinda looks to be left alone to be in his own head. We useto be crazy inlove and life was simple, we went on romantic dates and spoke on the phone everyday. We knew how serious we felt about each other. He at times became very distant and i became very insecure but we always made it through the difficult times. He knew he could not provide for me if we were to get serious regardless if i could provide for myself, a man does not feel like a man if he is unable to provide and contribute. So thats my dilemma, he is seeking to reach the security of being able to take care of his woman and possibly a family one day so he is very busy and trying all sorts of ways to bring security within himself and financially. Learning what drives a man has help greatly with understanding my complicated relationship. It was very difficult bringing peace to my heart when he kept changing the reasons for the break One moment its that he needs to figure himself out, the next is that he cant be so settled right now and then he blamed it on lust issues…. he was very indecisive whether he wanted to be with me or not. All that time he was going through a low and he just wallowed away at home with no ambition… that all came from his inability to provide and lack of security as a man, he felt incompetent in more ways than one. I demanded his love and effort but he was so down in the gutter he felt like a failure and wanted to do nothing. I became angry and resentful and he become resentful because i could not understand his pathetic behavior and he could understand why he could not get out of that dark place until he had enough and needed a fresh start… which resulted in his heartless 3 months of our break.

Alot of what you saying makes sense and i get that hes very bad with dealing with emotions and especially mine (due to his relationship with his mother) Falling inlove with me really put him in a comfortable state of mind, but also made him lazy and unambitious and for that he fears getting back in that comfort again. Im at the phase of my life where i want something serious and i dont want to be insecure and stressing about the person im in love with. I know that arguing is not good and keeping peace is vital for the both of us to be happy and to stay focused. He wants me to get more of a social life. He doesnt want me to dedicate myself to him and hes career during my free time. He trains everyday and sometimes twice a day which means he finishes at the gym quite late so in the evenings hes exhausted and all he has energy to do is get cleaned up, eat and  get into bed maybe watch a movie. Theres not much time to have depth conversations or he doesnt have the energy to put in any effort to make me feel special. He useto be very romantic but with his career growing and hes training getting more intense he has so much on his plate although he does spend all his free time with me. Its not that im ungrateful of his time… i would just prefer better quality time spent such as romance, dates, small gifts.. things that make me feel special. I dont feel all that special if we just lazing around or doing chores together and hes always exhausted so i have to keep the conversation simple or he’ll feel overwhelmed. I would rather have 1 hour spent going for a romantic walk, a date or him bringing home a special gift for me than to spend an entire weekend of just being around him and feeling unimportant. My starvation to feel romanced and special has killed my desire to go have a social life. Im drained trying to connect and create a spark for our relationship to not be so mediocre. He wants our relationship to work but he doesnt know how to change things up nor does he have the time or energy to actually take action. I know i have to speak to him and let him know how i feel and what id like and thats  the only way ill know if he is interested in putting in that extra effort.