My boyfriend is always triggering my abandonment panic

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This topic has 29 replies, 12 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by miaw.

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November 30, 2016 at 9:58 am #121599

Anonymous
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Dear AH:

The plan is, that in a couple of months you will be living abroad, in a new country, with him. This plan may be exacerbating your anxiety. In a couple of months there will be great changes in your life and you will need safety in the relationship with him so to ride the distresses of these near-future changes.

The plan to live with him abroad soon, and in the more distant future, to get married and have children, is incongruent with having these plans with an unreliable man. Not only can you not rely on him to help you in case of an emergency for you, but when your future children need help, you can’t rely on their father to help them.

Reads to me, that, having these plans, make it impossible to ignore or “live with” his behavior, whatever its causes. If you stayed where you are (no plans to move with him or to get married and have children), maybe, just maybe, you could live with his behavior, expecting it and no longer being surprised by it. But with your plans, his behavior is just too significant to be tolerated.

anita

November 30, 2016 at 9:59 am #121600

audrey horne
Participant

Hi Anna,

Thanks for your response. Yes, he lacks integrity, you are correct. But nobody is perfect, and I see what suffering it also brings him to be like that. He says he wants to change and I feel that I love him enough otherwise to try to learn how to wait compassionately. I think that is a good thing to learn to do regardless. I also think it is a good thing for me to rewire myself to repair the abandonment reaction, whether or not I stay with my boyfriend in the end. I am in therapy and am making some progress with that, but I guess he’s always giving me new material to test how good that progress really is…

There was a time in past relationships where I was a bad partner because I was selfish and uncompromising without even realizing it, but I grew out of it and am much more respectful to others now. Like I said, we are so well matched in almost all other areas; I want to give him the chance to overcome his issues.

He empowers me with regard to other issues I have, so I can’t say I’d be settling and I am so much better and more emotionally healthy and better at making decisions than he is. It’s not that I don’t think I “deserve better”, I have even said that to him. It’s that I think we are both stronger individually and together if we pull each other up the ladder step-by-step.

What do you think of that?

AH

November 30, 2016 at 10:10 am #121602

audrey horne
Participant

Hi Anita, thanks for your post. Obviously that’s not what I want to hear, but I will keep it in mind over the coming weeks. I still want to give it some time and space. The move is a very exciting and positive one, and I don’t think it will be a bad experience whether or not it works out for us as a couple in the long run. I don’t plan on taking any steps other than that (marriage, children) until we have established a consistently reliable and mature partnership on both ends. AH

November 30, 2016 at 10:26 am #121604

Anonymous
Guest

Dear AH:

It is clear to me that you love him very much and that he has lots of positive traits. I think your plan to not get married and have children with him unless you can depend on him is a good plan. The move abroad will be an experiment of sorts, and if the move itself adds to your anxiety, consider that part of your anxiety may be just, the move and the living together, these two changes.

If it is #3, as you described it to me in your post before last, then how about if the aim is no longer to try to get him to text you back and answer his phone, what if he carries a beeper, I think it is called, a thing that beeps only (no texting or phone calls), and only you can do that beeping when he is 10 minutes late for an appointment with you, and/or there is a real emergency? This way he can keep his habit of not paying attention to his phone but will be paying attention to this other instrument and attend to it. (May be worth trying).

anita

November 30, 2016 at 10:41 am #121607

audrey horne
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your compassion. The move won’t add to my triggering-type anxiety (the worst kind because it feels unbearable and causes so many mean, destructive thoughts) because I am so excited to start my dream job, and I have bounced from country to country all my adult life anyway so I’m used to it. It may cause him anxiety, but I guess he will deal with it to be with me.

I like your suggestion but I think the likelihood of getting him to pay attention to another device is unlikely (unless I can find a really simple/keychain device). I just discovered by Googling that I can “ring” a phone connected to a Google account even if it’s on silent with their Android Device Manager… maybe we can connect his phone to a neutral account and that will work. He’s a programmer… I told him before to make an app that gives him an electric shock, but he said it’s not possible. Darn. Thanks for the impulse to find a solution like this though.

AH

November 30, 2016 at 11:01 am #121612

Anonymous
Guest

Dear AH

You are welcome. Hope the move will be a good experience for you and him- being away from his family, like you wrote, and maybe needing you more, may bring about a change in his behavior. A small beeper on a key chain, not a bad idea. Post anytime.

anita

December 5, 2016 at 7:06 pm #122000

mish
Participant

Been there. The bottom line is- two grown adults with secure relationship styles answer texts and phone calls within a reasonable period of time and freely talk about it as in “hey, could you respond to my messages, I know you are busy,etc, etc.” It should not be that hard, this is basic stuff! And saying my other GF was OK with it is nonsense. He is trying to put the blame on you and will continue to do so. You will always be clingy, needy, demanding, etc, when all you are asking for are things that are completely normal. Don’t fall for it!
In this day and age with smart phones, let’s face it..we all check our phones. And if you don’t, a normal adult would say I only check my phone in the afternoon, I work where there is no signal often(like the hospital I work in), I only check my e mail once a week, etc. I would not over analyze this, I have been there. He is just not that considerate.

December 5, 2016 at 7:32 pm #122005

mish
Participant

And I am sorry you are going through this. Better to get a grip on this at your younger age- I’m 47 and was seeing a 61 year old! Can you imagine? So, just know that your concerns are completely normal and not absurd. Think seriously about moving forward with this relationship. I was told it was too intense because I texted ” Do you want to go to the farmers market this weekend”? Really? How is that intense? He would pick and choose what he responded to, and then blame me. Otherwise, he was great, just like your situation. Maybe read up on attachment styles in relationships. That really helped me.

January 17, 2018 at 6:46 pm #187327

Lana
Participant

Hi Audrey,

Your boyfriend sounds exactly like mine. Are you still with him? I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He’s been repeatedly making the exact same mistakes you mentioned no matter how much I’ve told him how much it hurts me. I can’t function properly on a daily basis because he never answers his phone I always feel the need to be with him. I have panic attacks when I can’t get a hold of him or when I’m about to see him because of the fear that I’m going to be waiting for a long time. Because this happens so often I started having anxiety about having anxiety. I feel out of control most of the time. I also know how much he loves me just as it sounds your bf loves you and I want to work on my personal issues and be confident and secure enough so I can be happy with him. I also have abandonment issues like yourself. I always feel like something bad happened and I will never see him again when I can’t reach him.

July 16, 2018 at 8:22 am #216809

Shalu
Participant

Dear Audrey,

I wish to know how you are feeling right now. Is everything in your relationship is going good? If so what did you done to make your relationship work? I wanted to share that I too also going on in same trouble. I feel so bad and crying always. I got very stress if he is not giving any concentration on me. Do u have any suggestions for me? Please reply. Thank you.

September 24, 2018 at 12:11 pm #187329

Lana
Participant

Dear Audrey,

Your boyfriend sounds exactly like mine. Are you still with him? I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He’s been repeatedly making the exact same mistakes you mentioned no matter how much I’ve told him how much it hurts me. I can’t function properly on a daily basis because he never answers his phone I always feel the need to be with him. I have panic attacks when I can’t get a hold of him or when I’m about to see him because of the fear that I’m going to be waiting for a long time. Because this happens so often I started having anxiety about having anxiety. I feel out of control most of the time. I also know how much he loves me just as it sounds your bf loves you and I want to work on my personal issues and be confident and secure enough so I can be happy with him. I also have abandonment issues like yourself. I always feel like something bad happened and I will never see him again when I can’t reach him.

December 3, 2019 at 7:20 am #325715

May
Participant

Hi Audrey,

I am going through a similar situation in 2019. Do you mind sharing the progress in your relationship. Did you boyfriend change at all?

January 24, 2020 at 7:04 am #334820

Natasha
Participant

Hi Audrey,

thanks for sharing. I’m in a similar situation-coming up on 5 years and I really feel I’m at a major cross roads and need to make a final decision on my relationship.

I would love to hear how things have gone for you and your boyfriend in the last couple of years. Did anything change for the better?

February 12, 2020 at 10:22 am #337684

Cora
Participant

Whenever someone uses the words “he never” (or not ever) we are dealing with a exaggeration. It’s also a well known gaslight ing technique. Turning your phone off in retaliation is manipulative emotional abuse. Did your parents ever withold love because you did not meet their expectations? Sounds like you are healing from narisstic parental mistreatment and are having issues because you are imitating those old abusive behaviors you inherited your in romantic relationship. It’s not abandonment trauma that you are displaying, although that story does give you an upper hand as a victim.

March 11, 2020 at 9:21 am #342734

miaw
Participant

Friends,

Thanks a lot for these posts. I m having the same exact issue with my recent boyfriend (now ex) and I really need to vent because it’s driving me nuts.

He does the same thing of cancelling last minute and not replying after a long time to my texts. We also come from two different cultures but live in the same city.

While I was trying to meet up with him to talk about the issue, he kept on not giving solid dates/time and it was very triggering for me because I have a fear of abandonment. I got so triggered and went aggressive and suggested that we break up. He wants to meet and scheduled the next day to talk. The next day 15 minutes before our meeting, he cancelled and said I triggered him so much because I reminded him of his ex who would break up with him over texts and would do this several times per week. He said he doesn’t have the courage to come and tell me this in person.

He said he needs time to sit and grief over those feelings that resurfaced and then honour my decision to stay friends. BUT I DONT KNOW TO BE FRIENDS WITH HIM 🙁 I want him back.

I texted back that I’m sorry and I was acting from anxiety. I actually had prepared a plan for us to unpack what happened together figure out how to present this from happening again and our contribution to the situation. I also bought us a book that talks about childhood traumas. He didn’t reply to the text.

5 days later, I emailed him a long apology, confirming that I’m sorry and that I value him. I also told him about the plan that I had. He didn’t reply yet (I only sent it this morning). I asked to see him to give him a hug and a book.

I’m so sad! I really liked him a lot and we bonded so well. Do you think it’s over? Reading all the comments above it seems that if he was interested to invest further he would have at least reply to my email. I’m not sure really how he feels or what he thinks now.

I’m so anxious and keep thinking maybe the email went to the junk folder, but I know it probably didn’t and that’s just my mind getting anxious.

What do you all think?
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