Hello, I’m new to this forum thing but I’m sitting here at nearly midnight with no one to talk to and I just want someone to listen and help me .. so here’s the story with my boyfriend.

I have been in a number of horrid and toxic relationships, I have been cheated on a lot so I already had very little self esteem when I met him. We met in August last year – he seemed a dream come true! He seemed to be so different to any other boy I knew. He seemed devoted to me and I was so happy that I may have found the one. A few weeks in a girl messaged me saying he had been begging he for naked pictures the day before we went on our first day – so at that point I was in two minds – firstly I was angry because he was speaking to me two weeks before our first date so surely he shouldn’t be so disgusting as to ask for indecent images and I wanted to get rid of those kind of boys! But then I thought hang on give it a chance it was only the first date maybe he’s not really like that. I got over it and moved on and everything was fine again. He was perfect.

After another couple of months the little arguments started happening .. when I argue with someone I become very withdrawn (I have depression and anxiety and I can’t cope when these things happen so I shut myself off slightly) I then lost someone close to me to suicide and I was going through a horrid time – I wasn’t paying my boyfriend as much attention as usual – he then broke up with me the day before this persons funeral. I found out a few days later that he had been messaging numerous girls , asking for indecent images , telling other girls how gorgoeus they are .. all whilst I was going through a horrid time. I confronted him, he started blaming me saying it was karma for giving him “no attention” and that I deserved it .. somehow I let him work his way back in after he did that to me and I completely forgave him. Until a few weeks later I also found out there were MORE girls .. I just always have to find out about girls he’s spoken to. And yet again I let him get away with it.

One day I was at his house – he was at wrk and I know I shouldn’t have but I had no trust left and I went snooping on his computer. What I found nearly killed me. I found a whole entire album full of naked girls pictures. Some of which with his name written all over their boobs – (he claimed these were from before he was with me, but the fact he even had them is disgusting.) I then found messages to a lot of girls – one of which when we were in a bad place saying he wished he was with her not me. Long story short people, he has spoke to a lot of girls – every time we argue he will RING a girl- one time he rang a girl whilst I was in tears – apparently send her dick pictures whilst I was falling apart (he denies that to this day but this girl could tell me the boxers he was wearing ) he also posts the most vile things about me online when we argue or break up – getting other people involved and completely shattering me as a person. I feel so trapped because despite everything he does to me I take him back,.. and I think it’s because he has a very good gift of making it feel like everything is my fault. He makes me feel like I’m in the wrong , or that I deserved to be treated like that. There are so many other things that he has done to me and there is so much more to the story ..  I don’t even know how to write it all out because I find it so painful.

I get too scared to leave him because I know he will make everything my fault, go online and make me feel worthless , but I also can’t stay because the of everything he’s done to me in the past kills me .. I think about it every day and I have so many insecurities now and absotely no self worth or self confidence. I just need someone to listen and give me advice without slating me for being an idiot.. I know I shouldn’t be with him, so why am I so trapped in this hell