Dear Yu Wai:

You wrote: “Even if I say I would choose to be with him, he knows that I would always run back to my family whenever they need me”- being so close with your family, with your father and sister, more loyal to them than you would be to your boyfriend if you married him- that makes for an impossible situation if you married him. The anxiety you both feel over his dislike of your father will be a regular occurrence in a marriage with him.

If you lived far away from your family, seeing them once a year or so, maybe you could have a good marriage with a man who dislikes your family. But being as close to your family as you are, this marriage doesn’t make sense.

You wrote that you would choose your family over him, well choose them now and let your boyfriend go…

anita

Dear Yu:

You wrote that your boyfriend “refuses to associate or entertain (your father and sister) now and in the future.” In the next sentence you wrote: “Next week, my family and I are flying over to China to meet him for the very first time.”

– you mean, your boyfriend never met your father and sister? If so, what is his dislike based on (and what are his complaints about your father and sister, specifically)?

And if he refuses to associate with them, then when you and your family arrives to China, will he refuse to see them? What is the plan?

anita

Dear Yu:

I re-read your three posts on this thread. I understand your anxiety about the coming flight to China.

* If the flight can be postponed/ the tickets refunded, consider doing so.

If you will be flying with your father to China next week, make yourself as prepared as possible:

1. Talk to your father, asking him what exactly is his objective in China, what he wants to accomplish. I suppose he wants to make sure your boyfriend and you get married- but when?

2. Talk to your boyfriend- does he want to marry you? Is he intending to marry you soon, or when he gets a job, or when he is settled financially, at what time approximately?

See how #1 and #2 fit – or not- and let both sides know the situation (before the flight)

3. Tell your boyfriend it is okay for him to like or dislike anyone, that how we feel is not a matter of choice, but how we behave is. He must act respectfully toward your father even though he dislikes him. And, tell him, that your father needs to act respectfully toward him as well.

4. Tell your father that you are the one raised Muslim and it is you responsible for betraying the teaching about not having sex before marriage. Your boyfriend is not Muslim and was not raised Muslim, therefore, your boyfriend is not responsible for betraying the Muslim teaching. Let him know that he must act respectfully toward your boyfriend regardless of how he feels.

5. Make practical arrangement for the stay in China so that if there is a meltdown between your father and boyfriend, that there will be a comfortable place for him to stay while in China.

anita

Dear Yu:

You are welcome. I hope this trip works out for you and for your  boyfriend, as well as for your father  . I am interested in knowing what happens, so a further post will be welcome.

anita