Home→Forums→Relationships→My boyfriend and I broke up because he's gay.
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Anonymous.
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November 18, 2018 at 6:06 pm #238319
AireneParticipantHi Thalia,
I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. It can’t be easy continuing to share a living space with the person you love but can’t have a romantic relationship with. Yes, it is very much like Freddie Mercury and Mary Austin, but in that situation, Mary was able to move out and be next door.
I haven’t been through anything like this, but would encourage you to read what you can about these types of relationships. Ultimately, it seems you will need to decide if this relationship can work for you.
Best,
Airene
November 19, 2018 at 12:59 am #238361
anxie1yParticipantHi Thalia,
first of all, you’ll need to have a clear mind which direction you will be heading to in the future. So, obviously, regardless of the sexuality of your boyfriend, he is constantly showing you his uncertainty towards the future. And at this point, it’s clear enough that no matter how you guys will progress, the result is the same; breakup. Having a sexless relationship is a sign that the love is going downhill, the novelty has started to wear off.
I know as you live together with your boyfriend, breaking up could be a lot harder. Imagine if you trigger the breakup he would go crazy and cry and hold you back. I know it’s hard but at the end of the day, you’ll need to plan your breakup properly.
November 19, 2018 at 3:55 am #238373
AnonymousGuestDear Thalia:
You wrote: “At one point we were super toxic to one another and intensely arguing every day”- can you, or would you like to elaborate on that super toxicity and intense arguing?
This sentence is almost hidden within the topic of sexuality, which is attention grabbing, but this sentence is very meaningful to me if I try to understand the relationship.
anita
November 19, 2018 at 9:00 am #238449
taliaParticipantAirene,
Thank you for your kind words. I definitely want to continue our friendship, I am just at a loss because we have to continue living together.George,
You are very right. Sexuality aside, he was always oscillating between what he wanted with me, which gave me constant anxiety. Now he’s finally decided what he wants: friendship. It’s just tough waters to navigate.Anita,
Well for 3 months (last January, February, March) we were having big arguments more than twice a week, and petty fights just about every day. The intense arguing consisted of me communicating something, him taking it the wrong way, and the conversations spiraling wildly out of control. He’d threaten to leave, I would too. I would be crying and it would not bother him one bit. The arguing was slammed doors, silent treatment, manipulation, and awful communication. I was toxic in the sense that I used sex to control the relationship. As in, if he was being out of hand, I would rescind any intimate contact. He would do the same, but with affection and stability. The arguments were never physical, but they escalated out of control. I always felt powerless and trapped. The petty fights were rude comments, jabs, and anything to rile each other up. No boundaries whatsoever. However, after couple’s therapy we worked through all of that and now we are nothing like that. But I understand that the past is imperative to understanding a complicated relationship.November 19, 2018 at 12:20 pm #238497AnonymousGuestDear Thalia:
A heterosexual man who chooses one woman for a monogamous relationship has to give up all potential relationships with other women, no matter how attractive they may be, not different from a bisexual man having to give up all potential relationship with attractive men and women once committing to one individual. In other words, being bisexual does not exclude a committed, monogamous relationship, I figure.
But he wants to experiment with a relationship with a man, so obviously he is not available for a committed, monogamous relationship with you, and you stated that both of you are monogamous.
I was impressed reading from you, how mature and rational you are, particularly for a woman in her early twenties (you started dating in high school and have been in a relationship for 2.5 years).
I think it will be best if the two of you live like friends and roommates only at this point for the rest of the duration of the lease and then live separately. Better you sleep in separate rooms, or if there is only one room (a studio apartment, let’s say), then sleep in two separate beds or mattresses a good distance away from each other. A divider to separate the sleeping arrangement may be a good idea. No cuddling or such, no physical contact, I think is better. Place the physically intimate part of the relationship in the past where it now belongs.
anita
November 19, 2018 at 4:22 pm #238551taliaParticipantAnita,
I’ve never viewed it that way, that he’s unavailable. It makes it easier to process since there’s nothing else I can do. I appreciate your comments about me, I am indeed 19 years old. The combination of couple’s therapy, individual therapy, and group therapy have truly reformed my perception on life. Also, adding in Buddhist principles helps me think clearly.
I agree with your proposed solution. Sleeping in the same bed is definitely a relationship privilege to me, along with cuddling. You’re right, it is now in the past.
November 20, 2018 at 8:24 am #238669AnonymousGuestDear Thalia:
I am genuinely impressed by your clarity of thinking as expressed in your very clear, organized writing. It would impress me to read such from a person of any age, but nineteen, my goodness! I sure hope you keep this clarity, keep learning, observing, examining, resolving conflicts.
Hope the new sleeping arrangement will work out well and wish to read from you again, anytime you’d like to post, please do.
anita
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