I’m moving across the world in a bit over a month, for at least two years. The time zone difference between here and there would be really difficult, even though my boyfriend and I are both sort of long-distance veterans. Today we talked about it for hours. I cried and stumbled over my words. I love this guy with all of my heart…he is the most kind, gentle, loving, and caring soul. But I found myself torn.

He told me that he was proud of me for making the move, as I need a change in my life. I’ve been struggling with depression for a while now, and through therapy I’ve found that people and my family and past abused me emotionally. He had been helping me cope with these things…I’m so fucking grateful for him.

He admitted that he didn’t want to break up at all, but that he didn’t want to hold me back. He thought it would be selfish of him, and unfair for me to “be stuck” with him. I sort of jokingly begged him to fight with me, or something, so that we wouldn’t have to make a decision over this. But we only ended up laughing, because we couldn’t find anything we didn’t like about one another, or even figure out how to insult each other.

Eventually, I decided that we should “try being friends for a few days”, as we both still wanted to talk, and just to be open with each other about how it feels. Things were kind of amiable so far, and I felt like, even though I would miss being with him, that they would all turn out okay.

But then he started crying. I’d never seen him cry before, and it fucking broke my heart. He said that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and kept asking if we had to do this. He told me that whoever I was going to be with would be lucky, but that he knew he wouldn’t find someone else again. He kept saying I was perfect. When I told him that I thought he was perfect for me, he denied it to the ends of the earth. I didn’t say anything, but I felt like he was kind of talking about somebody else, if that makes any sense. I’m not perfect. I’m an insecure, impulsive, emotional mess.

We said ‘ I love you’s ‘, over and over, and that was it. I can’t stop thinking about him crying…I’m overcome with guilt. I love him, but I didn’t know that he felt the way he said he did about me. I don’t think deserve him at all, or that I ever have deserved him. He’s way too good and kind for me. I’m nothing. I feel like I’m a terrible person for choosing everything that I did. I don’t know how to deal with all of this guilt, what it will be like to just be friends, or even know if I made the right decision. I think I’m torn all over again.

Thank you for taking the time to read this mess. <3