Dear Mary:

What I learned about G from reading your post is that she believes deep inside that she is not good enough, that she is quick to anger and lash out, and blame others for making her feel the way she feels, and she believes that others deliberately neglect her and leave her out. (“her lashing out at me for ‘not being good enough’.. She gets very defensive easily and likes to point the finger… make her understand it’s not deliberate neglecting or purposely being left out”).

These beliefs in G existed since she was a child, way before L and you entered her life. Let’s say she wants to change these core beliefs, if she attends therapy, it will be a very difficult and long process to accomplish that, and she will have to work hard at it.

Without therapy, these beliefs will remain unchallenged and there is nothing you can say, no way fo you to “word this whole thing in a way that will make her understand” that reality is not what she believes it is.

Imagine if it was that easy, all it would take would be one therapy session, or two, the therapist wording things perfectly and problem solved. Here is how you can check and see for yourself how close or far she is from challenging her I am not good enough, they are leaving me out on purpose core beliefs: ask her when as a child she started believing this. If she lashes out at you in return for your question, she is far, far away from challenging those core beliefs and healing.

anita

Dear Mary:

You are welcome. You can’t  “make everyone happy”, if you were able to do that, you’d be the wealthiest person in the world!

“I still remind her in person and via text how loved she is. I just wish it were enough”-

– what happens is that when a child is not loved, she feels that she is not worthy of love. There is a time- limited window of opportunity for a child to believe that she is worthy of love. When that window closes, the words don’t reach her anymore. They are not enough.

Your guilt.. I wonder if you felt guilty early on in your life, forming a core belief that you are responsible for making people happy, and that you are guilty if you fail to accomplish that?

anita