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Multiple Conflicts

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  • September 27, 2013 at 6:07 pm #42918
    william
    Participant

    New to the forum, hello all. Just stumbled across this site tonight after a day of deep sadness and depression.
    Over the past year I have had three conflicts with different close people in my life, friends and family, the conflicts…..as I see it….stemmed out of me standing up for myself and speaking how I felt at the time and basically just calling people on abuse they were dishing out to me. This is not something I normally do but have been practicing it in the past few years. Anyhow, now I feel absolutely aweful about all these situations, I am feeling alienated, irritated and deeply sad at the loss of these relationships. In each case after I spoke my words, the other parties have completely remained silent almost like they are waiting for me to come and apologize or something, I say this because I am intuitively feeling that they feel I was in the wrong…..regardless, I feel like shit. I have also not made any attempt to approach them because deep down I am hurt and dealing with the anger over the whole thing.
    Now because of other issues, I am going to have to see these people, close friends yes and family, I have not spoke to them in almost a year and I really don’t feel comfortable in doing so, I am actually dreading it, I hate confrontations and it all seems to be manifesting all at once, over the next two weeks I am going to have to see these people and I really don’t know what position I should take, I hate the feelings I have been having, I don’t feel I owe them anything, but it sure feels like the universe wants me to learn something. Maybe I was in the wrong….and now I’m starting to second guess myself and really be hard on myself which I am a pro at. Needless to say, I feel like am going nuts.
    Any buddha wisdom floating around out there????

    September 28, 2013 at 10:46 am #42934
    Matt
    Participant

    William,

    I’m sorry for the pain and confusion you’re experiencing, and hope you find peace and stability. Sometimes when we find ourselves in relationships where a lot of criticism arises, it can quickly become one sided. For instance, if people were in the habit of dumping their stress at you, in the form of “abusing you” in various ways, perhaps they come to expect you to just take it. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    It seems that you’re in a wonderful position, even though it seems painful right now. You have realized the need for boundaries, such as not letting yourself be abused. You’ve realized that when you angrily create boundaries, it is painful for you. These are two great pieces of information. The goal or aim becomes: how to I relate to them, create boundaries, enforce boundaries, and do so with strength, but kindness. This is the magic middle path where other people’s crap remains about them, and we do not get pulled in. Said differently, to protect your tender heart, it is important to work skillfully with your side of things, to minimize your own suffering from the experiences.

    If you can simply move on, and enjoy the experiences you’re having, that would be great. When you are in the situations, look for the joy and beauty that is present. The sights, the sounds, the companionship… try to be as present as possible, and look for the good. If the people you have karma with start poking at you, perhaps you could consider adopting peaceful resistance, such as Ghandi. “I don’t like when you say things like that to me.” Peaceful, honest, strong. “Let’s talk about something else.” “Ah, what an interesting thing to say. I’m going to go talk to someone else.” Their junk is not about you, and as you will yourself to disengage, detach, move on without anger, you can regain the joyousness of heart you’re missing.

    Also, it may be helpful if you have the time or curiosity to begin a metta meditation practice. Metta is a warm feeling of friendship that arises in our body. Much like hunger arises when we need food, metta arises when we wish beings well. Search on YouTube for “guided metta meditation” if you’re interested. It is highly stabilizing and nourishing. Namaste.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    October 2, 2013 at 1:49 pm #43131
    Alexey Sunly
    Participant

    Like you’ve noticed already, you are feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and depression. Your relationships will continue to suffer if you fail to get over those feelings. Here is a great thread with information you need to help you succeed :-): OVERCOME YOUR DEMONS

    October 3, 2013 at 7:48 pm #43197
    william
    Participant

    Thanks so much Matt for the message. I would agree fully with you and I will be trying much harder to put those alternative practices/responses into action. I have been looking up :mettameditation: since you mentioned it and it is very helpful, I have started to utilize it into my meditation practice and so far I like the results. I definitely want to get past this anger and the way I react around people that don’t seem to be aware or mindful, so I’ll continue on with this for awhile and let things grow with me.
    Thanks again.
    Peace and Light

    October 3, 2013 at 7:49 pm #43198
    william
    Participant

    Thanks Alexey, I’m going to search that part of the forum now….

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