Dear Anita

Thanks a lot; I am planning to look for psychotherapy indeed. I think this breakup has just stirred everything up, and this generalized depressive mood has been here for long. I am more concerned these days as I suspect myself of getting mild depression, because of the sleeplessness, low energy, losing interest in things etc.
I think it can go as far as when I was in my early school years. I think that was at around 6 or 7 years old? I wasn’t able to control my bowel and I remembered losing control in class. Everyone could smell it, I was so ashamed and eventually my teacher found me. Get me changed. And I remembered her saying I should have told her. I was too timid and scared to raise my hands in class when I was young. It definitely has way passed the stage when I should develop my autonomy. It was a very shameful event, I couldn’t remember if I blamed myself, may be of not speaking out?but definitely it’s shameful.
I also remembered at the age of 11 when my bag was lost in school, the class teacher requested everyone to stay behind until the bag was found. Eventually someone found my bag and no one stole it, it’s only in the classroom, but the whole class was detained because of me. I have never meant to suggest that the bag was stolen when I approached the teacher, but the classteacher made it as if I accused someone who did it. And the teacher said something mean afterwards? Probably something related to me not being careful. I can’t remember. But I remember feeling very guilty and eventually blamed myself. How could I not know of it. This is more related to the feeling of being punished, I think I deserve the punishment, although in retrospect, I dont’t think it was my fault. But I believed so at that time, because of everyone’s gaze and some accusation from the peers. I thought I was the one who created this, if I could be more cautious, this wouldn’t happen.
I also remembered I was supposed to tell the classteacher that one of the classmates needed to go away from class for a while, but I was too timid to say it to the teacher. Eventually when the classmate found it out, she blamed me for not saying it to the teacher, and I also blamed myself.
I have in general very poor recollection of my childhood, but these are out of the few things that I remember very vividly.
I probably kept this self-blame pattern since childhood, if I recall it now.
I don’t know how it can serve me, but it probably it’s a very automatic thought that I generated.

Thanks Anita. Appreciate your respond and patience.

Chau

Hi Anita

I was thinking of that too. the reason why I remembered so little was because I have an unhappy childhood.and yes i was too timid to raise my hand and asked for help.
There are times when i feel i need so much love from someone else. Guess deep down i don’t feel worthy of love, although I have a good job and well educated, i have friends and family etc. There is just this tiny voice in my head that goes against it. And so i just go ahead into relationship even when i see red flag.and i think i don’t love myself enough.
Thanks for your kind words. I sometime just want to dodge away from it, from all the emotions and the thinking. my head is very heavy these days and am quite stuck.
I did try a counsellor but I think his style doesn’t match mine, i need one which is more non-directive especially I am dealing with such delicate emotions.
Wish me luck in finding one.

Chau

Hi Anita

Yes I was very alone when I was young. While other children are socializing with each other I just sat on my own, during recess or lunch hour. I remembered I dreaded the free time after lunch, since that means I would loiter on my own in the playground.
It didn’t change until I was almost a teen.
And I agree I should take good care of myself and be at ease. I have been very analytical on my own problem and been jumping to conclusion. I realized the problem is, I know what is happening in my head and have been convincing myself. i.e. to move on, it’s over etc. and that actually stresses myself, even more.
I would try to just let these go and see if I can feel everything, however scary it can seem. i think that’s the way that I can align everything together again.

Thanks Anita
Appreciate your respond and support all the way

Chau

Hi Anita and all

I hope all is well!
I am just trying to come back and let everyone knows I am sound and safe 🙂
It’s been quite sometime after this breakup, and I do feel a lot more energized at this moment.
I have come to terms that these two people have left my life,and I don’t victimize myself anymore, I actually feel good that I have learned so much about myself through this.I am re-prioritizing things in life, and am spending more time taking care of my parents and myself.
I have having been refraining myself from contacting my ex, and last week, I finally did. I had this urge for a very long time, i know i have to do it. I was still wondering previously if she was thinking of me, but didn’t contact because she was scared to hurt me.

But since I have initiated the contact, there was no reason why she would withhold herself if she wants to talk to me.Unless, she doesn’t want to contact me at all.
We talked very briefly on non-personal things. and that’s it.

So that’s the conclusion, she doesn’t want to contact me or care for me at all.
That’s cleared my query.

It’s a pity, knowing how much she thought she wished to marry me previously. But this infatuation is too fragile to stand. While she could just leave me when she thought i mistreated her and belittled her, to minimize the hurt. She chose to secure herself with someone else before she left, ignoring the agony that she has put me through.

I didn’t know how i get cured. It’s just like i wake up day by day, and suddenly realized i am not that bothered.
I also feel very blessed, especially when I realized there are other people who has gone through trauma, yet didn’t have the resources to get better.
Some lose their job if they slack off, some need to take care of their children/families, some don’t have that many friends to accompany them. some don’t have the previous resources or strength that I have built up along all these years, to sustain till now.
I have none of these burdens.

I work with people who have emotional problem, and having gone through a period of depression(I kind of self-diagnosed since I am in the mental health field), I gained tremendous understanding of how helpless it could be when you were depressed.and i finally understand what these people are going through, that kind of emotional understanding is rare to get.

So I feel very blessed and grateful in the end, and that I can see who is really good to me, and who actually just walk all over me.

And thank you the tiny buddha community, it’s so great to be heard and receive so many insights from it.

Take good care everyone

Chau

Hi Anita, Brie and all

Hope all is well!It’s another month of my recovery.
i bumped into her the other day, she was going back to her place by herself, i went up to her, and we talked a bit. she told me she just had dinner with that friend, the friend who cheated with her on me.
After we parted, we had a conversation via whatsapp, i have always imagined what I would say to her if I see her again, I just hoped it wouldn’t be as evil/wicked as the one we had when we parted. So told her i was grateful for her effort made during the time when we dated, and that i took my responsibilities for whatever i have not been doing well, those accusation that I made, I was mean and harsh at times etc.I also mentioned briefly that i was depressed and angry at everything in this world for a period of time.
She said she was feeling guilty and at the same time angry, angry at herself and me for not breaking up on the first time we said we should,so that this wouldn’t happen.
We did talk about some trivial things some days later, and eventually I said I tried to come back to give closure/answer/reconcile, but I sensed a wall that she built, and if that’s the case there was no point in trying. She quickly said she appreciated my goodwill but was not ready to talk, wishing me happy mid autumn festival and quickly closed the convo.
I finally managed to completely block both their facebooks, cleared all whatsapp messages and deleted her from my phone book, no checking if she or my friend was online whatsoever.
I haven’t heard from her for months and I have been giving her the benefit of doubts, thinking she might at least want to make peace? Acknowledged the effort we made and we did have some good times? And eventually what I heard was that she was angry with me. I might not love her enough, I might have done something wrong, but angry with me after months of calming down, while she was the one cheated? If I could take responsible for hurting her during the time that we were dating (which I think all relationships involved some kind of hurt inevitably, deliberate or non-deliberate), why couldn’t she?
And now, after handling the hurt of betrayal, the anger, the self-doubt(which all still exist from time to time), I am dealing with the end of this relationship, there is no room for misunderstanding. She has gone for real, and I think I am mourning it these days since when I recalled those happy/sad moments, I can go into depressed state.
And that can get me quite down at times. And from time to time, I was so afraid of getting back to when I was seriously depressed, I could sense that it was still here, I could cry in the office in the morning when no one was watching, and I yelled and shouted and cried last night when I was finally able to be alone.
Sometimes I can’t even figure out why, and what it is, it’s been months and it’s still haunting me.
Any thoughts or sharing? Helpful to hear some objective opinions.

Thanks for all the support, appreciate!
Chau