Hi Anita and hllsld

Thanks for the replies.
I came back from Vietnam after shedding a good amount of tears there.
I have significantly reduced the number of times that i checked on them, in fact there were days when i had no urge to know what they were up to at all. I realize, this strong emotion isn’t exactly because I love this person a lot, may be partly, or even a large part of it, is just my own past experience.
Things do fluctuate of course, but the magnitude is definitely less, and my mood is on a general rise.
As much as i dislike this experience, I have to admit that this has created a new endeavor in my life.Now I have no one to abide to, I can see clearly day by day, what I want to do, and who i actually am.
During the trip i met a girl similar to my age, who quited her job and traveled around. I admired her courage, and at a point i felt like i could easily fall for her. and then i think, the reason why i could so easily fall for her, is because i really like the characteristics that she has, courage, kind hearted, good with words, see things in a positive side.
I want myself to be someone like that, and travlling around has always been in my heart, something that I have never had the courage to do. To let go of the attachment, and to search for things that is happening in this world.
I am in my 30’s, sounds too old to do that, but if i don’t do it now, i probably won’t be phsycially fit to do so in a decade.
I don’t know if it’s right to say that, but I do feel that they are just two selfish people who got together, and who knows what will they become, getting together in circumstances like this. There is also one thing that they won’t get out of this: the reflection of their own shadows and the cause of the whole thing.
I actually am writing a blog, trying to write out all the lessons that I have learned through this.
Now i realize, there are actually a lot of things that I wished to do but didnt
Thanks for all the analysis and empathy, this helped me dig deep down so i won’t make the same mistake again

Chau

I don’t know if this is a right attitude to it, but

Hi the Tiny buddha community

It’s been a bit of time since my last post, actually glad that I am back, this feels like a safe haven for me when I am having a troubled mind. and I am grateful for the community.

Things have been going on much more ok after I had that gut wrenching cry on my childhood trauma.
And now i am reviewing what really happened, which i constantly find i distort to fit my own reality(who doesn’t actually, more or less)
My friend keeps asking me to just let it go, doesn’t worth visiting anymore, but i guess this is just one of those sleepless nights when things come back again.

I finally see how much effort it took for both of them to lie and hide the truth from me, and that reflects the characters that they both have. Both can go beyond hurting one of your closest person for their own selfishness. In fact they are hurting each other too, if you care enough for each other you wouldn’t even put each other in such situation, and would wait a bit to sort it out one by one I assume.

Now, I do remember there were times when I wasn’t patience enough, when i criticized my ex, and when I disliked her or when i distanced her. Other than because I carried the burden of my previous ones, I remembered I saw red flags on this girl. She looked for my reaction and expected me to love her the way that she desired, because she thought she had loved me and given me a lot(which i had to be fair she did invest a lot of time on me), I so wanted to escape those attention seeking gaze because that would mean I needed to sweet talk her, react in a certain way etc.I guess that how she said i emotionally distanced her and made her very lonely. We just didn’t have the same way of looking at the relationship.
I remembered she blamed me for asking her back every time when we were at the edge of breaking up, saying that there were things we could try or i could try, but in fact getting together should be a mutual decision in which responsibilities are shared mutually.
I remembered she said she thought I didn’t care at all, and thus she thought the consequence of cheating wouldn’t be so serious, it would at max be a breakup, but not hurt me like that(which is quite BS when i recalled)
I remembered when i discovered the cheating, she said she wasn’t sure what to do and needed to clarify with my (used to be )good friend if the other side was serious or not, which now I think its another very irresponsible act, that she wants to put me in the reserved seat.
I remembered she accused me of causing her pain when she finally decided to break off, saying that I snatched away her ability to love and be loved.

Now I know why I was so terribly confused, in concrete details, because on one hand, she cried and said she was so hurt as if she was the victim, on the other hand, I saw so many flaws in her characters that I can’t turn my blind eye to. Plus she smashed my heart to the floor, and i just took in whatever that was presented to me, which was how upset she was.
I totally lost it and i blame myself so that I gain a sense of control, which in turned made me and her feel like I was the one in the wrong.

And as for my friend, needless to say, she was not hurt by us or even involved in this relationship in the first place, and yet she acted on it and destroyed everything for her own selfishness.

I was far from being perfect, but for sure I don’t think anything that I have done to either of them made me deserve this mess. They do deserve each other but they don’t deserve me.

I do have times when i still missed the good old days with my ex, thinking she would pop up at my door and apologize and tried to amend. I do have time when I checked on both of them online and found my ex liked my ex-friend IG post which apparently was something sweet that they did, and that i felt disturbed.
But i know these will only pass as time goes by.

I actually don’t have a specific question, but sometime i do wonder why would i not notice the red flags? was i too simple and stupid? why would i trust my friend for being a good person without really knowing her true motives? I don’t know how I can see them better
Would be grateful if there is any further feedback on this incident as well

I also want to seek insights on this general impatience that I have developed towards my family. I realized I have been neglecting them or even rejecting their care since this incident happened, kind of want to push them away. I didn’t disclose anything to them due to the nature(homosexuality is still quite a taboo in Chinese society) of the incident, they didn’t even know that I was gay.

doesn’t have to be an answer, just a ‘noted with thanks’means a lot on my sleepless night

Thanks for reading. Take care everyone
Chau

Hi Anita,

Thanks for the prompt reply!I hope all is well with you.

I recalled you reminded me to be aware not to automatically put all the blame on myself even in the first thread that i wrote, now i see the depth of it and why this is so important.

I didn’t treat relationship as a dynamic one, i did something wrong, she also did something wrong, and i guess if we love each other enough or patience enough we would gradually see and accept each other for how we truly are. But she chose this extreme way out, which shattered my heart. I can feel the anger even when I recall this now.

Thinking of mastering the skill of ‘not automatically blaming myself’, I do feel like i was a baby who just learned this very new skill, still lacking confidence of grasping it. Guess it takes some trial and error.

And as for my family, I do love them. I just feel bad when I lost patience, and this time it lasts for a few months. It’s not necessary that I share everything with them but I know I have been rejecting them by being mean or blunt with them, which I know is greatly affected by this incident. I have been in a very fluctuating mood and am trying to fight this semi-depressive state for a bit of time. sometime I just get impatience of it, I am so tired of crying. And I feel like I have lost the energy to love.
I hope this is just a phase. and I hope it won’t last long.

Thanks again

Chau

Thanks Anita
you are right nothing good comes from a tired mind.
felt quite emotional and had a hard cry today. I think i started thinking of them and was checking on them online a bit, so that’s why.

I think i should just take good care of myself and heal from the trauma done to me, in order to feel love again. it feels like it has been ages, and things still come back. I don’t know how long it takes but I just want this to end.
will try to do some yoga and will have a small retreat on my own in an outlying island this weekend.

And as for the new skill, I will need to write it out on somewhere to remind myself, I have a reputation of forgetting learned lesson and fall into the same trap because of emotions etc.

As I have been reminding myself, I think today I am better with my parents, will try again tomorrow, now it’s too tired =)

Thanks and have an early goodnight to your side

Chau

Hi Anita

Good evening on your side.
Thanks for the reminder. I was still feeling the strong emotions yesterday but I chose to go for a jog, sit around at the park and look at people passing by , as well as lying on the grass to see the moving clouds.
That helps me unwind.
I was still sleepless last night and have a very strong urge to reach out, but I didn’t take action, it’s one of those nights when I feel the negative energy only. I guess it will pass and I know if i reach out, it is very unlikely that what I want would be given, the care and comfort that I once could obtain when I reach out. So I didn’t

Thanks, and have a good night!

Chau

hi Anita

I am trying out new things.

I have done my mini retreat in a small island(well it’s not entirely remote though, easily accessible by ferry back to the city)
It happened that a few days before the retreat,someone just randomly txted me online through an app, and it turned out that she was very good at dealing with inner emotions, and self-acceptance since she was major in psychology.

I followed some of her suggestion, basically i listed out all the emotions that I had, and asked myself why these exists, there were times when i had very dark thinking that came out, such as ‘i want to possess her’, and I realized the self-blame, the unwillingness to let go and forgive(myself mainly) come up again. It’s all where the feelings originate.

I want to find ways to let go of it, i think one of the reasons why I am still lingering was because I had hopes, still, for her to be in good terms with me.
the second one is,i am still not forgiving myself, not accepting the imperfection that I have. It’s may not even be attachment, or love. I just don’t want to give myself a good time. I want to punish myself, by clinging onto this chaos.
again, my heart is in not in sync with my mind.
I tried to go to the beach and sit to meditate, I tried to hike, i tried talk therapy, but this heavy cloud in my head is still here. I am still obsessed with my feelings and this incidence.
I can sense that I feel impatience towards the emotions I have now, which apparently has added extra burden to the already heavy mind.

Would you have any suggestion on how to gradually let go?Let the heaviness comes out from my chest.
I even thought of coming forward to my ex and gain closure(whatever the closure means), may end up just another fight or even more hurt, either or both of us.

Thanks again Anita. Take good care.
Chau