Dear Roro:

It is not helpful to say at this time, later- it may be okay. It is better to aim at communication as a bit at a time process. Think of communication like eating a meal with company: you don’t want to eat too fast and get choked or spill food all over the place, spitting ketchup on someone else’s dress, etc. One bite at a time, then put the fork and knife down and pay attention the people at the table, have a light conversation, then go back to your food. See my point?

anita

Dear Roro:

You are welcome. Post again tomorrow (a day before the meeting) if you want more of my advice, and later on Wednesday: I would like to know how it goes for you!

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by .

Again, you are welcome, Roro, and thank you for expressing your appreciation (it feels good to read it!) I am looking forward to your next post!

anita

Dear Roro:

“She responded by saying that she could’ve seen how it could’ve got to that point in the future and that she could’ve envisioned herself having feelings for me had we carried on talking”-

-there are too many “could’ve” in her answer, and each could’ve has a maybe-if in it. All 3 could’ve-s are directed at a future that is no longer possible (you didn’t keep talking with her, and she has a new boyfriend). Therefore, her suggestion/ theory that she could’ve developed feelings for you- can never be tested. She is safe with her could’ve-if: these are just words for her, not a reality that can happen. It is common to answer a question like this in this could’ve/maybe-if way in these circumstances because the person answering doesn’t want to hurt the feeling of the person asking.

Basically, her answer is: no, I did not have feeling for you when we were talking/ during our friendship.

If she answered you honestly and directly as in the sentence right above, you would be clear, instead of uncertain: “I think this promotes some uncertainty in me, whether I should’ve carried on talking despite how I felt”. She answered you with a No guised as a Maybe-if, trying to lessen your hurt, but instead she caused you uncertainty (and the anxiety that goes with uncertainty).

When asking people questions as you did (well done!), we don’t always get honest, direct answers, especially when it comes to emotions in the context of relationships. We have to interpret the answers so that they are clear in our minds.

“I don’t really know how to proceed. I know there a couple things I still want to bring things up with her but I don’t want to rush into another meeting with her yet”- seems to me that the most you can have with her is a friendship, a friendship with no romantic ideas or sentiments.

Take your time and please let me know what you think and feel about my answer, and overall, how you feel.

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by .

Dear Roro:

You are welcome. I believe that you made the right decision ending the friendship with her. It is not possible to be just friends with someone for whom you have romantic feelings.

She told you back in April that she will ask you in early July whether you wanted to go on a holiday trip with her and friends. She later found someone else to take your place, and without asking you if you wanted to go on the trip, she  proceeded to book the trip without you. “She says that she just assumed that we weren’t friends anymore”-

– she should have asked you because she told you that she will ask you. On the face of it, her not asking you is not a terrible behavior if your friendship was questionable at the time, but it indicates, in my understanding, that she did not think of you as special enough to keep her word to you, and therefore, she is not The One for you (“She was the first person I’d ever been on a date with and I built up a lot of expectation in my head thinking she was ‘the one’”- original post).

“Everyone’s different with how they think and feel about these kind of things”- The One would have remembered and cared to keep her word to you.

“I will eventually forgive her in my heart but today, and probably the near future, is not the time”- that’s wise.

In my experience communicating with you here, you are a decent, respectful, caring and romantic young man. I think that the woman who ends up with you will be fortunate. This woman is not the-one, but she is the first you ever dated, you are only 20, and you only need one woman to be..  the one.

Feel free to post again anytime, on any topic, and I will be glad to reply to you.

anita