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Matt.
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June 16, 2015 at 2:24 pm #78350
AnonymousGuestDear Kaz:
I read your whole post, all of it. I am sure I missed some things. But I read. I didn’t notice you asking advice regarding anything specific. You are not expressing distress in your current life. You expressed having settled quite comfortably into a state of mind and life. As I read your story, you avoid relationships where there may be conflict, personally and professionally. (Seeing your mother threatening to commit suicide and then) your girlfriend committing suicide following conflict with you has a lot to do with you avoiding conflict. It is understandable why you didn’t want to be with your mother when she actually died.I am guessing you are feeling the void of having given up on love, having given up on spreading your wings in a personal relationship, a love one and with friends as well as professionally. Your hard exterior doesn’t allow for soft wings to spread out.
If your need to spread your wings and experience more is ever increased more than your need to protect yourself; if your comfort as is is replaced by distress, you might seek love and a friendship with another.
Advice about what? Writing to you something like: I understand your pain, my empathy, grieve, seek psychotherapy, and give love another chance? If I gave you this advice, will I be the one having to face the fear, the dread? No, it will you who will have to face the fear, the guilt… will I be there for you to hold your hand through this? Through you following the advice (which I am not giving you)? No. So, it is you who decides according to your comfort/ distress what it is that you need more and what you are willing to continue to live without.
About me: I remember my mother threatening to cut her wrists. I remember her threatening when i was five and for the rest of my life. I remember walking after her on the street. I was in my 20s. She said she was going to throw herself under a truck because i upset her so. The last time I talked with her in 2013 she said she doesn’t care if she lived or died. She was then 72 and I was 52. I didn’t speak to her since and had my first serious therapy in 2011. Only yesterday I was aware still of feeling the dread of me being alone and fearing her killing herself. I avoided intimacy like the plague, avoided all relationships, drifted like a leaf in the wind for five decades. I am very much in the process of healing currently. Why am I sharing this with you? I have no agenda. Do you have any questions of me? Is there anything specific you are hoping for in sharing your story in this forum?
What is it you need? What is it you want? In one or two sentences: what is it?
anitaJune 16, 2015 at 6:33 pm #78359
MattParticipantKaz,
When I read and sat with your story, I was reminded of a story.
Once there was a young boy who had a magical book. Whenever he encountered discomfort, he could open this book and write scientific dissertation on the nature of the experience. Over time, he became very dependant on using this book, and it became filled with many, many stories. The book got heavy.
However, he found out that he could open the book and pull out stories from it anytime, and people seemed to enjoy the book. So he became confident in the nature of the book. But always, when engaging with others, he placed the book between himself and the other, a distance, holding them at arms length. Now, this wasn’t just a foolish move, there was a sense of protection to the action. However, the boy also felt alone, unloved, unseen, unheard. He was more of a book salesman, believing in the book, but not in himself.
Most people didn’t notice. At the surface, the book looked like a person, acted like a person, had a smiley face on the cover and everything. But the boy wasn’t happy. Knew something was wrong. But also didn’t know what to do about it, kept looking in the book for answers, some secret story, some data gone overlooked that lead him to such a place.
But some people noticed. One person, standing from across the room, noticed he was a very charming book salesman, but in looking past the book and onto the boy, that the boy was very sad and lonely. He went up to the boy, told him a story about a magical book, gave him a hug, and told him he could set the book down, surrendering it, and just talk. That’s when the boy would be able to escape the certainty of a book already written.
With warmth,
MattJune 17, 2015 at 5:27 am #78373
KazParticipantHi Anita,
I just (quote) replied, but I think it got lost somehow, so I’ll just re-iterate it here in a normal reply.
Thank you for taking the time to read through my story and for disclosing some of your own story too. It’s appreciated.
It’s true that I’ve found an equilibrium where the conflict in my life has been reduced and that is generally working for me. The specific problem that I have is that my current solution is unsustainable due to financial constraints.
Ultimately, I’m going to either need to get on top of my problems with conflict or my problems with motivation, because the first one means I don’t want to work for other people, even though I’ve always been very effective when working for other people in the past, and the second one, which is my preferred thing to solve means that I’m not nearly as effective when working for myself.
I guess I included as much as my story as possible in the hope that something would stick out as to why motivating myself has always been something I’ve struggled with, though of course, it’s possible that I’ve been looking at this wrong, as Matt’s reply did strike a chord with me.
In truth it’s hard to know how to proceed, as I don’t really understand why I behave the way I do with relation to work and why I have trouble achieving things when I’m the sole beneficiary…
Kaz
June 17, 2015 at 6:03 am #78375KazParticipantHi Matt and thank you for your thought provoking reply.
I had a little bit of trouble working out how the metaphors applied exactly, but you’ve made me think enough about things to have a stab at it.
When Chris died, it was really my intellect that saved me. I would replay the arguments preceding her death over and over in my head, with what-ifs and why-didn’t-is, and by using my fairly analytical brain, I was able to play things through to some sort of logical conclusion. Sometime soon after, those same questions would repeat themselves over, and I’d go through the same rationalisations and eventually come to the same conclusions again. In the end I was able to notice the patterns and able to stop the replays before they really got started because I knew I’d already worked out the outcomes. I also had a little mantra that I said at that point in my life to help get over my worries and anxieties: “Don’t worry about the past because you can’t change it, and don’t worry about the future because you can’t control it”.
The problem, if I’m understanding your story correctly, is that my analytical brain has become something of a crutch. It saved me then and has been my primary tool that I have employed ever since, and so when I feel like things aren’t right, I engage that part of myself to try and work out what’s going wrong and that has led me to view my life through the filter of an over analysed past.
I think you’re saying that I need to address what I’m feeling now, rather than trying to understand how my past has contributed to me becoming the person I am.
In an attempt to speak in the here and now:
It’s true that I do feel alone, unloved, unseen, unheard, but I’ve learned to live with that somehow. I do feel that even my closest friends don’t know me, and yet I think I share (or shared at some point) my inner thoughts completely with them, so I don’t know why I feel that way.
Regarding sadness. I know I’m very sad. It’s been a constant in my life for a long time, but I try not to dwell on it because I don’t see it ever leaving me. I’m sad because there are things in my past that I’m deeply unhappy about. Things I can never rectify or change and will regret until the day I die. It’s not a question of forgiveness. I don’t hold myself responsible for Chris’ death. Her actions were her own. I am only responsible for my own actions and hers was not a proportional response to what had occurred. I can say those things and feel that way, and yet still be overwhelmingly sad about what happened. I am.
It’s almost ten years later. For most of that time I’ve rarely thought about her during my waking hours, and yet she’s constantly present in my dreams. That’s how I really know that there’s no getting past it, because that’s something that’s completely outside my control.
But it’s ok. What happened took it’s toll on my mind, but I’m fairly passive regarding how I feel about it. It’s just something I will always have to live with, so I just try not dwell on it. The funny thing is that we were together for almost eleven years and I can’t for the life of me, remember any of it…
Kaz
P.S. Sorry if it got a bit angst ridden at the end there. It’s hard not to be when talking about this stuff.
June 17, 2015 at 7:25 am #78376MattParticipantKaz,
Consider that when a star collapses, it condenses into a black hole. Light, space, matter, time, all become irrelevant when they meet that gravity.
What she did was incredibly hurtful, vindictive, manipulative and cruel. To you, dear friend. You broke up with her, and in response, she turned herself into a black hole in your heart. Luckily, love does in fact have the power to escape the gravity. And forgiveness is the key. You have to forgive her for being so selfish. For being so cruel. For being so manipulative. For sucking away 10 years of your life. She used herself as a bomb to hurt you, and it worked. You don’t deserve to carry such a burden, no one does.
The guilt and analytical defenses for the guilt make perfect sense, and yet do not settle the black hole. They are only that crutch. It’s like a cycle of question mark to exclamation point, neither one accurate, an endless loop. The solution, sit, breathe, notice the guilt as a result of her manipulation hooking you, forgive her for doing that to you, and cry it out.
I can tell you feel like this wound, the black hole, you carry is never ending, but don’t despair, friend, it can heal if you let it. Your analytical habit is keeping the wound open, because you came to the wrong conclusion. Cycling around with the question “what did I do to her”, instead of “what did she do to me?”
May your heart touch upon the center of truth, find authentic grief, cry it out, and be free.
With warmth,
MattJune 17, 2015 at 7:44 am #78377AnonymousGuestDear Kaz:
as I read the new posts here this morning I felt like rushing to dump my analysis of the situation on you. It is my reliance too on my intellectual mind that kept me isolated through the decades of my life after my childhood. I get these understandings in my head and again and again I think: this understanding will solve the problem. I always thought: if I understand (intellectually understand) what is going on, then I will heal, live differently. And this very morning I was going to TEACH you about the concepts of the Rational Mind and the Emotional Mind and how Wise Mind=Rational Mind + Emotional Mind. ALmost scientific- there is an equation there, as clear as math.As I read your writings, Kaz, I was thinking to myself that you are a very good thinker, that you have an excellent rational (mind). ANd it served you well enough to get you here, where you are today, served you to survive and do as well as you are doing in spite of the tragedies of your life.
Your rational mind is impressive to me. Your posts addressing the comments you received are clear and organized and perceptive- right on, this is what I think.
And you have a pretty good awareness of your emotions, your emotional state, or emotional mind, and it seems to me that you are ready for more. If for no other reason than so to either work for others (deal with conflicts) or work for yourself (deal with lack of motiveation and past ineffectiveness).
From my experience of over relying on my rational mind and ignoring my emotional mind or being at a loss of what it is, when I embarked on the healing process, NO WAY was I going to abandon my reliance on my rational mind, (intellect as you refer to it, I believe). You told your whole story, you wrote, so to maybe find out why you have a problem motivating yourself- as far as work is concerned.
Later you wrote: “I do feel alone, unloved, unseen, unheard, but I’ve learned to live with that somehow.”
There is much comfort in being able to live with feeling alone, unloved, unseen, unheard. I see the image of a great tree, tall and full of branches and leaves, like you were in the beginning, at least that what you were inside the seed that was you. And then the tragedies, so you dropped many branches, let them fall and leaves kept turning yellow and falling, and every day another branch falling and even the trunk of the tree was withering, outer layers drying, peeling and falling until there is just that trunk left of that great tree, a narrow version of the trunk that it was.
And that narrow trunk is alive. The fears and pain that was in the branches and leaves and outer layers of the trunk were peeled away and the pain left in the narrow trunk can be lived with. “I’ve learned to live with that somehow” Somehow, as a narrow trunk, reducing the volume of your existence so that it holds the minimal pain possible.
That narrow trunk also holds minimal motivation. It also holds minimal motivation to love and be loved.
Motivation is a matter of emotions- its in those branches and leaves you dropped- those you prefer to live without. understandably. If you read my comment this far, what do you think? What do you consider doing differently in your life now, later, if anything? Where do you go from here?
anitaJune 18, 2015 at 2:59 am #78417KazParticipantHi Matt,
Thank you for your consideration, measured words, and reasoned opinion.
I will endeavour to do the things you say, to reassess, reframe, and otherwise question my conclusion regarding what happened.
However, I have to admit that the vindictive nature of the act, while beyond question, is somewhat hard to reconcile with the person I knew, and so a little bit at odds with my own (well, current) conclusions on the matter.
The person I knew in our life together was funny, kind, gentle and sweet. She of course had her faults, but they were greatly outweighed by her positive attributes and the spiteful side of her only appeared rarely…generally when she perceived our bond was in jeopardy, whether that was from an outside source, or more typically when my attention was focussed on a family member.
My general view of her, makes it rather difficult for me to feel negatively towards her. I rather feel, that just like me, there was a moment in time where she lost herself. Where she wasn’t thinking clearly and she made a mistake, a fatal one as it happens, one that there’s no coming back from, but a mistake nonetheless.
I have done good in my life and I have done bad. I hope that when I am assessed by others that the positive outweighs the negative and that I’m not judged by my worst acts solely. That also means that I can’t judge Chris on the basis of one act solely. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt. That one act was uncharacteristic for her, and if her right minded self could have observed it, I’m sure she would have had a hard time understanding how she could do such a thing.
I don’t want you to think I’m brushing your advice to one side. I’ll certainly meditate on the subject and try to reconcile your interpretation with my own, but in being upfront about my feelings, I have to communicate and be forthright about the slight disconnect there is at this particular point in time.
Regardless of that disconnect, I greatly appreciate your council on the subject and am thankful that you were here to dispense your perspective on the subject!
Kaz
June 18, 2015 at 4:20 am #78421KazParticipantHi Anita, and thank you for your reply. I found it very interesting!
The tree metaphor you employed certainly resonates with me and makes me feel that you’re undoubtedly on to something there.
You actually reminded me of a misstep I made after Chris and them my mum died. I say misstep, because what I wanted to achieve at that time, while logically sensible and understandable, was a little bit foolish in that I ignored the emotional requirements of my existence. I shall elaborate.
At that time, I was striving to be the best, most independent version of myself. I was probably a little bit more intense, a bit more bullish, because I’d recovered pretty well from Chris’ passing, was still professionally successful, and still hadn’t really dealt with my mother’s passing (I’ve only really started to feel better about that as recently as the start of the year). It was a mission and there used to be something I would say to justify my pursuit of it. It was this:
“By definition, the worst period in your life will be the moment you find yourself alone, without anyone to turn to for support, and without the capacity to save yourself.” (or something like that, I’m a bit fuzzy on it now!)
So I reasoned, being independent, self sufficient and skilled, would mean that I would be prepared for the worst time of my life the next time it came around. It’s funny really, but in many ways, I’ve ended up where I am today intentionally and because of that train of thought itself.
Now I don’t think that statement was wrong really, just that I probably took the wrong conclusion from it. A more emotionally stable version of myself would probably suggest that if not having anyone to rely on is the worst thing that can happen, then perhaps the solution is to avoid being alone! Of course, with my history, I understand why I reached the conclusion I did, and why I was so focussed on avoiding future pain.
Anyway, I thought that was a curious side note, but you’re right. I’ve reduced my emotional footprint and traded it for an amount of security and an amount of self sufficiency. Perhaps it was necessary to survive, I don’t know, but it’s something I need to undo now.
In truth, I don’t really know how to proceed. Everyone know’s I’m self-sufficient so there’s not really a support network in place. Some people can turn to family and friends in a heartbeat for support, but that’s very very far from my personal situation.
To make an overly simplistic statement, clearly I need to branch out emotionally. Make connections with people and let them help me. Love and allow myself to be loved. To allow myself to rely on others.
In practice, it’s going to very hard to do any of those things. I feel like I’m in a little bit of a catch-22 situation as there is a definite hierarchy of needs where each depends on the other. Probably goes a little bit like:
Motivation depends on love and emotional footprint.
Love/emotional footprint depends on a partner (most likely given my family situation).
Getting a partner depends on wealth/success (at my age certainly, where people are concerned with building families).
Wealth/success depends on motivation. Go back to point one!Obviously there is a circular dependency there, and it’s going to be hard to move forward without managing to solve one of those things first.
At this point in time, it seems that the most likely way forward would be to start working for other people. It would unblock that circular list and provide a way forward, but it would also mean putting my own projects that I’ve worked on for the last five years to one side. Perhaps that’s a worthwhile sacrifice to achieve a more balanced existence, but it’s one that I’m going to have a hard time making.
The only other level I can think of moving forward on is the love one. I wonder if it’s possible that doing some volunteer work and choosing to give love freely with no expectation of return might allow for some emotional growth and therefore motivational too. I don’t know, it’s possible it might just end up being an emotional drain instead.
I think at this point, my analytical skills aren’t going to be much help. Some action is undoubtedly required and some participation in the wider world. I hope I manage to find out how to do that.
Kaz
June 18, 2015 at 7:34 am #78424MattParticipantKaz,
I can understand the desire not to judge her, and that’s a good one, a noble desire. There is no need for judging her. Rather, consider the difference between “she was a vindictive person” and “that was a vindictive action”. Good people sometimes do bad things when they feel despair. This isn’t for the book, though, its for the boy.
Do you love yourself, Kaz? You analyze yourself, follow your desires, but do you feel warmth and happiness when you look in the mirror? Do you think love is something that has to be earned?
With warmth,
MattJune 18, 2015 at 10:12 am #78443AnonymousGuestDear Kaz:
I like your analysis, a good part of it anyway, and sometimes find myself enjoying your writing itself. If I was you- and I am not- I wouldn’t want to give up my analytical and writing skills. This is very much part of you as it happened and it served you well enough- here you are in the present, making sense, intelligent, introspective, thinking…You wrotea: “At this point in time, it seems that the most likely way forward would be to start working for other people… I wonder if it’s possible that doing some volunteer work and choosing to give love freely with no expectation of return might allow for some emotional growth and therefore motivational too. I don’t know, it’s possible it might just end up being an emotional drain instead….
I think at this point, my analytical skills aren’t going to be much help. Some action is undoubtedly required and some participation in the wider world. I hope I manage to find out how to do that.”You bring up a few suggestions: working for other people, volunteer, give love freely with no expectation. You wonder if either one suggestion will work for you or not. You state that your analytical skills are not going to be much help IF you don’t take action. I agree. I suggest you take action as in experiementing, as in taking on the scientific method of experimenting- that will fit well with you being heavily analytical and it will allow the possibility of inreasing your emotional footprint as you termed it.
What if you approach your life now as a series of experimentaions. Working for others, take the steps toward making it happen and pay attention to what you feel about it, one step at a time: gather evidence. Maybe write it down. In each step, how do you feel? What are the surprises? What are you discovering?
Same with volunteering: gather evidence, use the experience to gather evidence, evaluate (is it draining? Is it rejuvinating?) Same thing with giving love without expectations (in the context of volunteering, you meant? or otherwise, doesn’t matter to me here)- how does it feel in every step of the way?
Approach it all in a scientific way, gathering information, objective evaluations (of subjective internal experiences as well, of course), proving or disproving your hypothesis (a hypothesis example: loving with no expectations will increase my emotional footprint.) be open minded, like a scientist, form an experiment, gather results, reach a conclusion and/ or form another experiment.
What do you think?
anitaJune 19, 2015 at 7:26 am #78472KazParticipantHi Matt,
You said:
Do you love yourself, Kaz? You analyze yourself, follow your desires, but do you feel warmth and happiness when you look in the mirror? Do you think love is something that has to be earned?
I don’t know whether those are typically hard questions to answer, but finding one that works for me is proving difficult at the moment. My initial instinct was to say “of course!, why wouldn’t i?”, but it doesn’t really fit. I can’t say I love myself. I can say I’m comfortable with who I am and generally accepting of myself, while wishing I was better.
I look in the mirror frequently. My health took a bit of a hit when Chris passed and I’d always thought that the stress of what happened took it’s toll. However, a couple of years ago, a physical issue that had been suppressing my circulatory system resolved itself by chance, and I realised that actually the thing that took it’s toll on my health was a skiing accident I had in January of 2006! It was just close enough in time to Chris’ death that I mistook the cause and effect and erroneously believed that the issue was something that couldn’t really be fixed directly (because I was assuming the cause was stress based, not physically based). This effect of the issue wasn’t something really obvious, but a gentle guiding force preventing my body from healing itself properly and setting my health on a general downward trajectory.
I mention this, because it has an effect on what I see when I look in the mirror.
What I see when I look in the mirror is someone who looks far worse than he did in 2005, but a lot better than how he looked even in 2014. Unfortunately, the best part of a decade of declining health hasn’t been kind, and though my health improves noticeably every day, it’s clearly going to take a year or two more before I look like the fully healthy version of myself again.
I know you weren’t really talking from an aesthetic viewpoint, but when I look in the mirror I see the imperfections that stop me from looking like the best version of myself. I’m not talking about wanting to change my features, nose jobs and the like, I’m talking about the quality of my skin, hair, eyes, teeth. The good news is that some of those things improve every day. I actually have grey hairs that are turning dark brown again, such was the extreme poor state of my health! (well, I did. I recently dyed my hair blonde to connect to my mother a little bit, so my natural hair colour is a little bit irrelevant at this point!)
So ultimately, when I look in the mirror, I see the imperfections. What needs fixing. But these aren’t the insecurities of an immature mind worrying about what their peers will think. These are the objective assessments of an analytical person, who knows that it’s possible for someone to love me with these imperfections, but that I can’t really love myself fully until they’re fixed, because the person I see isn’t the real me.
I’m a bit vain though!
Love, I believe can be given freely. People with generous souls do that all the time, with their acts of charity and care for complete strangers that haven’t done anything that would make you say they deserve that love. But that’s ok, as it’s their love to give freely, and they are free to give it as often as they want and to whomever they want. I also think those people are the exceptions. The people I encounter daily in my life don’t give love freely, but then these aren’t people that I know. When it comes to love given with people I have pre-existing relationships with, I would say that it’s given freely, but there is a prerequisite level of trust required that allows that love to be given freely. Ultimately, I think love is given freely, but most people protect themselves a little bit as they want to know that there will be some kind of return on their investment.
Kaz
June 19, 2015 at 9:26 am #78478AnonymousGuestDear Kaz:
This is fascinating to me. It occured to me while I was eating breakfast. I feel like sharing this with you (and with others who follow this) my feeling about this… cascinating-to-me posts by Kaz:It seems to me that this whole thing here, Kaz, is being motivated by Kaz saying to anyobody out there reading: LOOK AT ME. Look how magnificent I am. I sense your great fascination by your own story, your own brain, your own body, how it works, how interesting it all is, the way you are. I don’t feel distress on your part. The need to have motivation to produce income is almost an excuse to writing this post, the real motivation is: look at me. Share the view of me in the mirror.
Your intellect is engaged in expressing your fascination and this here is about sharing your fascination with others. This is not a search for more, more insight (outside Let’s see what else my fascinating brain can come up with), more growth. It is about How magnificent I am as I am (and as I will be… why change what is already perfectly fascinating).
This is my feel of it. Any responses?
anitaP.S. I ask myself what my motivation is in this very post of mine? It felt good to write this, being carried away by my own fascination. But is it responsible? I don’t want to be self serving. I don’t want to point a finger at another irresponsibly. I took some time thinking about this and it is okay with me. I love, just love searching for the truth of what is, and in my search remain flexible for further input, further evaluations of what is. Since I recommend this for anyone who is willing, I will send this.
June 19, 2015 at 10:28 am #78481MattParticipantKaz,
How could the you in the mirror not be the real you? Isn’t reality already present?
With warmth,
MattJune 20, 2015 at 1:35 am #78498KazParticipantHi Anita,
Apologies for not posting this yesterday, I got interrupted with a phone call and forgot to hit submit!
I think the experimental approach you outline is certainly one way of moving forward, but I feel that Matt’s correct with the book metaphor with regards to why I feel the way I do, and that relying on that part of my brain even more would be a mistake. Not because it wouldn’t be a powerful tool in helping me move forward in an effective and constructive way, but because it would only increase my reliance on that part of my brain even more, when arguably, it already has too much influence on the way I understand the world and myself.
That doesn’t mean I’ll abandon it completely, I just need to get out of the habit of it being my default tool. Spontaneous joy is hard to experience when it has to first pass through my analytical filter, though that’s a sacrifice I’ve made up to this point because that analytical filter is just as good at numbing spontaneous pain. I think it’s like you said regarding a wise mind being made up of a both a rational mind and an emotional mind, and I’ve let myself become too polarised in my thinking.
There will undoubtedly be times that I’ll need to apply it to control my emotional state, specifically, there are times I can get a bit (only a bit!) manic, so during those occasions that I’m feeling almost euphoric, I try to keep things in perspective and balance out my emotional state using my rational mind so that I don’t have to deal with the lows that come after if I let myself fly free. So yeah, that’s a use of the rational mind that I intend to keep using.
Going forward, I will undoubtedly fall back on my analytical mind at times without even realising it, as it’s use is far too natural for me to just turn off, but I’m hoping that I can catch myself when I do that, and consciously choose to turn it off…when it’s appropriate of course!
Kaz
June 20, 2015 at 2:02 am #78501KazParticipantHi again Anita,
I’m going to choose to ignore your latest post, which I only just noticed, as it doesn’t really feel like it came from a positive place.
Remember that I did come here to get help with my motivation, absolutely, and the last time I checked, this sub-forum was called ‘purpose’, so that seems appropriate. Also remember that I included my whole story for completeness, so that all of the possibly relevant data was present and accounted for. At no point did I state that I wanted to engage in discussion about the most traumatic parts of my life, I just didn’t avoid talking about them when asked about them. I didn’t avoid talking about them, because even though I generally feel ok about them, or at least have made an amount of peace with them, I accepted the possibility that they might be relevant to solving the problem at hand.
While many emotional issues do involve amounts of distress, I’m amazed that you think a lack of motivation or purpose in my life, has to be distressing in order for it to be something that needs to be addressed? Take a moment and consider that. Also, consider that ones tolerance for distress is probably somewhat proportional to the amount of distress that they have endured during their life, and I have endured enough of it to be fairly philosophical about most trials and setbacks. At no point during this discussion have I gotten particularly emotional about any of it, though I shed a tear when I wrote about my mother, and when I read about the little boy holding the book, but that was sadness, not distress.
I’ve already made it reasonably clear that on any given day, I’m generally ok with the choices I’ve made and where I’ve ended up, as my personality type is one that can accept or at least one that can convince myself to accept my lot.
All the above said, there are lots of things that I would like to change, a different kind of life I would like to live ultimately if I was better at pursuing my dreams, but I tend to dream a lot more than I act, so have trouble getting what I want. In this current compact version of my life though, I’d be happy for the life I’m living to be sustainable, and unfortunately my productivity is a limiting factor there. I’ve been burning through my savings for some time in order to fund my current lifestyle, but they will run out, and when they do, I will have no choice but to adapt to a new way of living that may be more uncomfortable and more of a shock than if I had chosen to find a new, more productive (and income providing!) balance.
My apologies for not replying to yesterday’s message sooner, but unfortunately it was just one of those things. My brother called while I was writing it, and we spent some time discussing employment opportunities in the wider world and what he thought I should be doing with my life. Both of my brothers have expressed concern about the way I’ve been living my life in recent months, and those expressions were in fact the catalyst that brought me here in the first place. A pro-active attempt to try and get things back on track.
I can be here for those reasons, and trying to ultimately change my life in a positive way, and still ultimately be, a flawed, self-centred human being. I am. In my defence, it’s quite easy to be self-centred when you are the only player in your life due to living a life of seclusion. I “work” from home, live at home, get my groceries delivered and probably leave my house once every couple of weeks for the odd drink with friends. My life pretty much just involves me.
Kaz
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