Hi Anita,

Thanks for replying. Maybe it is a little unrealistic but that is my goal – if I can control my response to a person, I try to make it positive, not negative. I work in public service and it’s easy to be annoyed or irritable, or feel too busy to take the time, but I try to remember to be kind and respond in the way I would like to be treated. When I say expect the best, I mean I am always hopeful for a pleasant interaction; I try not to be negative from the get-go. Of course,I don’t always get that kind of response back. But I find that a smile goes a long way and a pleasant greeting and a little patience and just listening are pretty helpful when dealing with the public in a service industry like the one I work in. Luckily, I am a pretty cheerful person who doesn’t experience too many dark days.

But I do agree that not understanding that sometimes our partners are feeling distant on some days and loving on other days can cause much misunderstanding and heartache. I like this advice from Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements:

Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your comment! I do actually expect perfection from myself much of the time,and I can beat myself up about that if I feel I’ve fallen short, as everyone does from time to time. In personal relationships, it’s hard NOT to take things personally, even keeping in mind that everyone is living and acting from the place of their own stories and situations, but in dealing with the public, I do try to let it go after the workday. Which is still not always easy, but at least if I know I approached the interaction from a place of kindness and patience, I can feel better about it (and show my boss it was not my fault if it turned into a “thing” with a patron.)

Your comment was also interesting, because in my personal life, I am moving on from a very imperfect long-term relationship that made me feel very worthless and incompetent and full of self-doubt, and even though it has only been a few short months, I have such a different perspective on what is an acceptable way to treat a person who is supposed to be one of your most cherished loved ones, and what is not acceptable, and should be walked away from so that healing can begin. I actually have been using a “Prayer of Release” to help me move forward. That situation lasted for so many years, that it will take me a long time to process that relationship from my new perspective.

As I am making new friends and forging new relationships, it is definitely useful to remember that there is always some motion happening and some days, interactions may feel really in sync and other days, it may feel like the other person was a little distant or disengaged, or maybe I was feeling that way, and be aware that it’s normal and not take it personally.

Thank you for your reply. That relationship was with an alcoholic and drug addict, who was unable for many reasons to be a supportive husband and father while raising four children, who blamed me for everything he didn’t like about his life and responsibilities. Believe me, it’s hard to be perfect while raising four children with very little emotional support or partnership. I was not striving for perfection there, just a normal marriage, co-parenting partnership which I am now realizing was never going to be available to me with that person.