Long story short, I’ve always had a somewhat rough relationship with my mother.

She has this thing where she is always angry. When she is, she says harsh comments and obscenities. For example, If I help her with anything and I end up not doing it the “right way”, she’ll comment on how worthless I am or something. I know she never means them, but it always affects me. I grew up with this sort of behaviour, one would think I should have gotten over it by now.

The truth is, I haven’t and ever since I was a kid I would hide somewhere to cry about these comments. It would be in the closet or in the bathroom. Embarrassed to admit, I still do this.  I have tried to talk to her about this twice. She would say something along the lines of “that is the way she is and doesn’t ever mean it” then apologizes for it.

I am 19 years old, and I think the only way to really deal with this to not take these withering comments to heart.

Last year, I moved  away for college and low key tried to avoid her for a 3 months. I decided it wasn’t fair and talked with her again. She insisted that I told her everything that happened while I was in college. Thinking being honest was the best policy, I admitted in confidence that I had a boyfriend and lost my virginity. This was followed by 4 months of random calls and texts to insult or say demeaning comments. We argued a bit in between. She sent all my stuff to my dorm. When I came to visit, she kicked me out and insisted I went back to my dorm (which was many hours away from home).

She didn’t like the idea I had a boyfriend while I was in college. She’d say that I am a slut and a whore and now tells my younger brothers not to be like me. I ended up going to therapy because of this. I didn’t know how to cope with it and my support group was smaller (two of my best friends got into an argument and stopped talking to me).

Things have gotten a little better now. Less fighting, she has apologized. She still tells my brothers how much of a slut I am, but usually when she’s very angry. The other thing is, I’ve only ever had sex with two guys (not at the same time).  She seems to like my boyfriend? When she’s angry she’d threaten to call him and tell him or ask him something , but never specifies what (I always worry it would be something that would ruin our relationship).

I have come to the conclusion that this really is just her and that I will have to accept everything. My younger brothers (who live with her) seems to have done just that. There is no changing her, she’s just very harsh. This is my mother after all. I assume she’s short tempered because of her back pain, smokes, and is starting to get a bit sick (physically). She does loving things like remember birthdays, purchase medication when we’re sick, be updated with our interests, try to get to know our friends, and ask about our lives every now and then. I appreciate the effort she put into raising my brothers and I. I always buy her gifts, especially on special occasions. I always try to listen and not argue/reply to mean comments like I used to.

Really, I wanted to ask if there was anyway to not take every mean comment to heart and cry about or feel shitty the rest of the day because of it. Maybe some method to do during mediation or something.

I have to live with her for the rest of the summer. I’ve been crying often during the past few days since I came home and its not healthy to cry often. Recently, its because I’ve been helping her around the house and she will insult the results.

Thank you in advance!