Dear Dejana,

You are not alone in your pain. Unfortunately, there are many people, both young and old, who have never received unconditional love from a parent. Often, it’s been denied by both parents. Of those who did not receive it, many of them wander throughout their lives knowing something is missing, but not really knowing what it is; and therefore, they never find it. But what they do find is much unhappiness and much suffering.

Suffering – this seems to be where you are at. Not only do you seem to be suffering, but you seem confused, angry and lost. Understandably, so. Somewhere along the way most of us gain this belief or develop this idea that our parents are supposed to love and nurture us. What we don’t realize, something some of us come to learn and understand as an adult, is this is not they way it necessarily happens. It often gives us even greater pain when we believe others our receiving what we are not. Trust me when I say, many of the people who you think are receiving unconditional love, may not be. They are just hiding their pain. For your own emotional health, I recommend you not compare your life to the lives of others. By, not comparing, you will lessen your own suffering.

Your parents could have been the first to have given you unconditional love. Unfortunately, they missed this opportunity. If you have been angry with them or have blamed or criticize them for failing to give you unconditional love, know you are not alone. Don’t be angry or hate yourself for it. This is what people typically do. But if you want to remove the pain and suffering from your life and find happiness, I recommend you find a way to let go of the anger, the blame or whatever negative emotions you hold. You can’t go back and change the past, and you can’t change your parents, but you can change you.

To help let go of any negative emotions you feel toward your mother, it may help you to try to understand why your mother was unable to give you the unconditional love you seek. You say you know your mother loves you; and she is a good person. So why do you think she was unable to give you this unconditional love and unable to be the mom you believe she should be? Try to put yourself in her shoes. Try to understand her story. By trying to understand your mother’s story, you may arrive to a place where you can forgive her in your heart (you don’t have to talk to her about it, just feel it in your heart). This is not about letting your mother off the hook as much as it is for your healing process. I repeat it’s about you, and your healing process. Only through forgiveness will you be able to begin to let go of your pain.

You stated that you know that your mother loves you and she is a good person. Perhaps your mother is being the best mother she knows how to be given her current life conditions. Perhaps she is giving you everything she is capable of giving you right now. I believe your mother loves you and wants so much for you!! Unfortunately, she is unable to give more than she is already giving.

The people in our lives, our parents included, are not capable of giving us everything we think we need to have. This is why it is important that we develop relationships beyond our parents, siblings and other family members. It’s okay that you are seeking someone as a mother figure…someone who can give you advice…to help you find direction in your life. You need not feel guilty about this. And you don’t necessarily need a mother figure. I suggest you don’t narrow your search like this. Emotional support is a nice thing to have, but we do not need a mother or mother figure for this. It can be a friend or a mentor.

Since you stated you are living in isolation, finding a few friends with whom you can go and do things (go to the movies, go out to eat) seems like a good idea. And may I suggest when you find someone, be it a mother figure or a friend, don’t smother them with your problems. Enjoy them for who they are and not necessarily for what they can do for you. Learn the lesson you speak of in your opening paragraph. Otherwise, you will continue to chase people off. I don’t think this is what you want. You don’t always need to talk about your problems to heal from them. Sometimes it is best to forget the problem or put it on the back burner, so to speak, and go have fun with friends.

Now some tough truth from a stranger. As an adult, you must provide yourself with the unconditional love you are lacking and seeking before you can ever expect to receive it from another adult. But how, you may ask. You start loving yourself today…every part of you! Unconditional love is self-acceptance. Self-acceptance means loving every part of you…the good, the bad, the ugly!!! When you feel angry, guilty, or disappointed, accept it for what it is. Try to understand it. Work your way through it. Learn any lesson it has to offer. Then let it go. The same goes when you make a mistake. Accept it. Learn from it. Let it go. Move on. Self-acceptance means you do not judge, criticize or put yourself down. Love you for who you are!!!!!

Dejana, congratulate yourself for recognizing and attempting to understand your emotional/psychological problem. It is the first step in healing and improving. The fact that you are on a website like TinyBuddha, and are brave enough to share your pain and confusion and seek direction, tells me you are seeking answers. You want to heal. You want to improve. Know the road to change is a journey of self-discovery full of unknowns. Some discoveries will be painful. Some will be joyful. Know all will be temporary, but if you stay with the journey, you will certainly move towards peace, happiness and fulfillment.