Months after break up its harder now?

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This topic has 13 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 3 months ago by VJ.

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August 1, 2016 at 7:28 pm #111262

HikerGal74
Participant

Greetings
this is my first post (I think?) I have read through many threads and blog posts and see such wonderful positive energy generated to those who seek help or just affirmation that one is on the right path that I thought I would give it a go for myself. Background I am in my 40’s and went through a break up last fall. It was very difficult as I didn’t see it coming, and honestly I thought this was going to be the last man I dated andwouldspend my life with. My bf said he was unhappy and needed to figure things out (one week prior to break up his ex-wife got re-married) Our break-up talk lasted about 30 minutes as I would not beg or try and talk him out of it- I asked him why he didn’t mention it sooner that he was not happy, but honestly when someone wants out you can’t ask why you have to respect their decision. I immediately removed myself from his life which was SO difficult as I had grown close to his children, and did not contact him again. About 4 weeks later he’s shows up at my house to return some items I left at his house, there was no apologies, or a sincere “how are you doing”? Just dropped it off asked about work and told me a little about his life- 10 minutes later he was gone. I sent him an email asking him to no longer just drop in like that as it is too difficult to see him. Now here I am 9-10 months later and overall I have good and bad days. I still cry 1-2x’s a week, and when I do cry I try and figure out is it him I miss or am I lonely? And it’s been both if I am honest with myself, but lately I am really realizing I miss him, and it makes me so sad. Oddly I felt like I was stronger soon after the break up then I am now? I have a huge network of friends and family, I have a career that is so fulfilling and financially good. I am healthy, active etc, but when I am alone at night he is never far from my thoughts- I worry that I still have this small sliver of hope we will reconnect one day. I have not dated since the break up, but am slowly thinking of jumping back into that world, although not keen on the idea of dating small talk etc.
I guess my question is has anyone else felt worse months after breaking up? Just looking to see what others who have been here or are in this predicament now are dealing with your feelings and hopes, sadness, loneliness etc? Thank you for reading

August 1, 2016 at 8:19 pm #111273

Anonymous
Guest

Dear HikerGal74:

Glad you posted.

I can relate to feeling longings months after more than soon after an ending of a relationship. Right after I was busy with being angry. When the anger dissipated I regretted what could have been and wasn’t.

anita

August 1, 2016 at 8:38 pm #111277

HikerGal74
Participant

How funny I was angry for a while, but the anger stopped a few weeks ago and now it’s sadness. I think Often “wow with all the craziness out there you didn’t want to work on us”? I guess we are in the stages of grief? Does this mean I am getting to acceptance stage? How long have you been broken up with Anita? Have you dated since your break up? If so how is that going?

August 1, 2016 at 8:49 pm #111278

Anonymous
Guest

Dear HikerGal74:

Yes, it makes sense to me that you are in the acceptance stage.

That relationship I was referring to, that was many, many years ago. The sadness did go away eventually, and completely. I am seeing his image in my mind right now and I feel nothing, no anger, no sadness. Nada.

And I am married now, got married at 49.

And it is bed time now. Hope you post again.

anita

August 2, 2016 at 1:08 am #111288

Magalie
Participant

Dear HikerGal

I know there are tons of blogs out there
but I’d still like to recommend one.

It helped me through the worst days of
my
life and it basically explains why we
would
run after people who treat us badly
instead of
loving ourselves.

It’s baggagereclaim.co.uk

Hope it helps

xxx
All the best

August 2, 2016 at 12:39 pm #111334

HikerGal74
Participant

Thank you for the advice for the baggage reclaim- I’ll look it up. I will say my Ex didn’t treat me bad. We had a great 2 + years- yes the last few months had some moments that neither of us would agree were our best selves, but nothing that would even come close to being disrespectful or mean. He started becoming a little more aloof and distant which hurt me so I became more sensitive and I wouldn’t say “needy” but definitely not my usual independent self. I think that’s also what is hard for me is that it was a good relationship overall with respect, trust, fun times, but then I also have to remind myself that if it was that good he and I would have fought harder for it.
Being 100% no contact has been good AND bad at the same time. I know my healing has come along quicker, but I also think if there was a chance to reconcile we would have to have at least some line of communication open don’t you think?

August 2, 2016 at 12:50 pm #111337

Anonymous
Guest

Dear HikerGal74:

In your original post you wrote: “Our break-up talk lasted about 30 minutes as I would not beg or try and talk him out of it- … I immediately removed myself from his life.”

Done too quickly- you were to quick to get it over with and remove yourself from his life. Too quick to accommodate the breakup. This is probably part of the reason you are rethinking this.

If I was you I would initiate talking to him, online or in person, if calm, so to find out what indeed happened??? Would have been a good idea to find out then, by why not now?

He may have been thinking all this time that you didn’t care to have the relationship end, not realizing you were in a strong self protection mode. And I wonder why he ended it, not being happy- these are three or four words: I am not happy. Your relationship deserves more than four words. What happened…

Why don’t you initiate contact so to find out, to talk, to understand?

anitaa

August 2, 2016 at 1:17 pm #111342

HikerGal74
Participant

Hello Anita
I agree with you that I let this go too quickly, however what is one supposed to do when someone is saying to you “I don’t want to be in this any more I am unhappy.” Also I admit I am not keen on rejection so the thought of putting myself out there again does not appeal to me. Is it wrong for me to think that since he ended it it should be him to break the ice so to speak? When I sent him the email asking him to no longer contact me/just drop in on me I also said that I loved him and needed time to get over him; trust me the last few weeks have been a struggle of all sorts of thoughts from reaching out to him to just trying to move on and putting myself back into the dating world. I remember him saying that once someone breaks up with him (his ex wife) then that’s it he would never go back- so wouldn’t he think the same of me? Even though he broke up with me don’t you think he probably thought all that out before he broke up that this was it for good? Am I making any sense? I feel like I am rambling…
HikerGal

August 2, 2016 at 5:57 pm #111363

Anonymous
Guest

Dear HikerGal74:

I didn’t suggest at all that you should have tried to talk to him into reconsidering, not at all. I think it would have made sense to ask him questions, to understand what happened. He owes you that and you have the right to ask questions. If him being unhappy is not something he brought up before, I would want to know when it started, why, following what… why he didn’t bring it up in conversation with you, etc.

I think there is a law of some kind that if an employer fires an employee, the employer has to explain why, give a reason (maybe it applies to government as the employer, and in the U.S…) Anyway, you have the right to know the reasons, to ask questions so that you can process what happened. How can you process and move forward if you don’t understand what happened.

The questions you asked me in the last post are questions you can ask him, if you meet him. If you initiate meeting him to talk, or doing so by email, however is comfortable and more likely to be effective, let him know that you are not at all, in any way shape or form trying to talk to him into getting back together. Let him know your only motivation is to understand what happened, so that you are wiser.

anita

August 4, 2016 at 8:49 am #111505
Carly
Participant
Hi HikerGal,

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me and at first I was sad, but ok, and now it is so much worse. I am so upset every day and it’s a struggle to get up in the morning. I am trying to work through everything one day at a time and find inspiration every day.

I will let you know if I find anything that makes it easier- but just to let you know, you are not alone in feeling this way
- This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Carly.
August 5, 2016 at 5:18 am #111570

Christian Mills
Participant

Hey there HikerGal, I’m sorry you’re hurting and still hurting more!!! Is that in store for me?? I’m also in my 40’s and split with my partner of 3 years a month ago. It’s horrible isn’t it, it’s just a huge roller coaster of emotion! I want to get off. I thought I’d just tough it out and straight away start dating again. It didn’t work, my heart just wasn’t in it. How are you feeling now? Does he still have your heart? You just have to be honest with yourself. The lonely Ness is the killer though!! I have friends but they just don’t fill the void of a lover. If you ever want to talk or if you feel lonely please feel free to talk. I know I could do with someone to talk to who understands. Take care, you’re not alone out there.

August 6, 2016 at 7:59 am #111673
Cognition
Participant
Hi Hikergal,

I agree with Anita about the break up happend too quickly and part of the reason why you have these thoughts could be that there wasn’t any real closure. On the other hand, I also understand why you closed it off so quickly as that’s something I’ve done myself in the past. Rejection sucks and prolonging the humiliation seems unnecessary at the time.

I am not sure this would help but I ended up texting an ex 16 months after we broke up and she didn’t reply. Its one of those hey how are you going text but it still set me back quite a bit. I ended up double downing on yoga and it helped a lot.

Around 26 months after we broke up I ran into her at a random event and we had a chat. During that conversation, I learned that even though she initiated the break up, it was still difficult for her because I refused to be friends afterwards. She also mentioned that she didn’t date for two years and only started seeing someone recently. We talked about our old times and recent events but all I remembered thinking was I used to love this person but I felt nothing besides a mild affection towards her as we talked. It’s like visiting a house you used to live in and realise how small and damp it is even though you had great memories there. It’s great getting closure though as it stopped me romanticising that relationship in my head.

So yeah, things will get better eventually if you give yourself a chance to grief and process those emotions. My advise: don’t call unless you are emtionally prepared to take no for an answer or find out that they are dating someone else.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Cognition.
August 27, 2016 at 6:18 pm #113464

Wanderlust16
Participant

Hi Hikergal74,

I’m so sorry you are still in pain and believe me I know the feeling. I’m also in the same situation. Instead of getting better ‘with time’ I feel worse after 3 months of no contact. We broken up since Feb. He reached out in May to which I asked that he not contact me for a long time so we could both heal and move on. We had a short and very intense love affair. We live in different countries and it’s not ideal to carry on a relationship so we reluctantly we ended it. He wanted to stay in contact but I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to reopen the wounds every few weeks. I fell in love with him and what he was willing to offer was not enough. We talked for hours to give each other the closure we needed before saying good bye. Afterward I sent him a letter thanking him and told him he could reach out once in a while if he wanted to. I haven’t heard from him and I’ve not reached out. We’re not connected by social media so it makes the situation a bit easier. I miss him a lot and still think of him daily. He’s no longer the first thing on my mind in the morning. Sometimes I have a strong urge to contact him but at the end of the day, practicality rules. I wonder when this punishment will end. I thought I had closure. No one matter how a relationship ended – amicable or not, break up stinks.

August 28, 2016 at 12:25 am #113481

VJ
Participant

Hi HikerGal74,

I did this exactly as per what you wrote I agree with you that I let this go too quickly, however what is one supposed to do when someone is saying to you “I don’t want to be in this any more I am unhappy.”

Though it was not for a relationship issue but for a professional issue. I got the job lay off news and then I just asked one question “What is the criteria that the company is considering to downsize people?”
After that I said “Go ahead and do the exit formalities”

That was my last day at the job.

Just like you I was fine for the initial few days and then thoughts/emotions started to creep up my mind…like “I was performing well, so why did I not fight back”, I also had rage and resentment about my superiors who may have directly or indirectly been involved in my lay off. But then I thought there is no point in thinking about all these thoughts as they are just a waste of time and energy.

It is not that easy to simply stop thinking about something unpleasant happened. It has to happen by itself naturally through some practical technique. It has to be healed. It has to be released. Of course, it is said that time is the best healer/solution, but the past can run into our body’s energetic system for several years. We will just be kicking ourselves or beating ourselves up all the time asking the mind for a solution to get rid of this unpleasant past. The mind does not have an answer. It is like looking for something in an empty drawer of the table, but then finding nothing there.

How about looking for a remedy coming straight from Mother Nature for problems exactly like this?

I still cry 1-2x’s a week…if I am honest with myself, but lately I am really realizing I miss him, and it makes me so sad
when I am alone at night he is never far from my thoughts-I worry that I still have this small sliver of hope we will reconnect one day.

Take a look at these wonderful resources on Bach remedies and I’m sure you will relate it to your situation.

Based on your situation it looks like you will need WALNUT and / or HONEYSUCKLE

1) WALNUT

Link 1 :http://mudraguide.com/bach-flower-remedies-walnut-and-change.html
Snippet: Walnut is a great remedy that helps one to ‘move on’ without being tied to the old. It can very often sever the ties that bind you to an old love, old hurt or old anger so it has often been called the ‘link breaker’. It can also free a person who is being dominated by someone to become strong and move out as well as cutting oneself loose from an old and hopeless infatuation.

It helps one accept and move on instead of wallowing in the past.

Link 2 : http://www.bachflower.org/walnut.htm

2) HONEYSUCKLE

Link 1: http://mudraguide.com/bach-flower-remedies-honeysuckle-and-moping.html
Link 2: http://www.bachflower.org/honeysuckle.htm

I request you to patiently take time out to read about the above two remedies in its entirety.
Since you are best aware of your situation and your state of mind, only you will be able to choose the right remedy (or combination of remedies).

Don’t worry about their availability..they are easily available. And they are nature’s gift to mankind….coming straight from the DIVINE.
The DIVINE may well be answering to your problems here and wants you to come out of the past and move on to a fresh new life that you have desired.

April 26, 2018 at 8:21 am #204263

TeddyPSmith
Participant

HikerGal – its been a while since you started this thread and I find myself in a similar position. Im wondering how you are doing these days? What every happened with you?
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