Mom in vegetative state after a massive stroke

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 9 months ago by Martha.

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October 14, 2013 at 5:59 pm #43763

Gina
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Hello everyone, I am going through what is probably the hardest experience of my life and I was hoping for some wisdom to help me through this ..
8 weeks ago I received a call from my sister at 2:00 am. I was informed my mother had suffered a massive stroke and that things didnt look good at all..I got on the next flight to Mexico City where my mother lives and have been here every since. She underwent surgery and was in coma which progressed into a vegetative state. I quit my job and subletted my condo so I could stay here and I have done everything in hopes she would wake up..I sang and read to her, massaged her head and feet and I have been by her side every single day since the stroke. I hope and I prayed and I thought if I poured all of my energy and love into her recovery she would come back because love is supposed to move mountains..I had never been happier than when thu told us the most recent MRI showed signs of
Much improvement and that we had every reason to believe she would wake up.
A couple of days ago we were told she has Apenas which is not good and a new neurologist that came onboard says the damage is just too big and if she if having abneas the best thing to do is take her home and just proceed with paleative care. I want her to live, I don’t want to give up hope. I don’t want to stop trying and fighting with her for her life, but I also don’t want to
Torture her. It’s soo hard to see her in pain, she can’t say anything but she opens her eyes and she looks like she is in pain when she receives
Pulmonary therapy and when she is poked and handled. She looks so helpless and I have been crying for 8 weeks straight. She is the person I love the most in the whole world and I don’t know if should keep her at the hospital and keep waiting and hoping she will wake up or take her home
And wait for her abneas to become respiratory failure…I don’t know if loving
Her means fighting with her or letting her go…please help, I am in so much pain

October 15, 2013 at 10:53 am #43822

Teresa
Participant

I’m in a similar situation. My dad has had a series of strokes over the years, which have rendered him with something called vascular dementia. It’s very similar to Alzheimer’s disease. He is in the care of home Hospice now, which is palliative care. Palliative care is a good thing. Hospice has been very kind and understanding. Being in the hospital is nothing more than torture for your mom, because it certainly was for dad. Hospice has been right there with meds, and advice, for both the family and my dad. I would recommend that you take your mom home and let Hospice (a not-for-profit hospice, make sure you check) help. Spend your mom’s remaining days with her and let her go in peace. You won’t regret it.

October 17, 2013 at 10:00 am #43917

Becky
Participant

Hi Gina,
I’m so sorry about you Mom. I can’t even begin to imagine. It’s a lot of responsibility to take care of your mom like she is and I guess there are some questions you need to ask yourself. What do you think you’re mom would want? If she could tell you, what do you think she would say? Pray, follow your intuition, and do the best you can. Don’t be hard on yourself, you’re mom loves you no matter what.

February 9, 2014 at 7:24 pm #50616

Sze Wing
Participant

Hi Gina,
I’m deeply sorry and I share your feelings. Our family is now faced with a similar situation. My dad had an aneurysm rupture in early January, he survived the first three brain operations but not a tracheostomy surgery which left him in a persistent coma as a result of a 9-minute heart failure. We are in complete despair as the doctor said there’s no way to bring him back. We are also thinking hard whether we should let him go or fight with him. He lost a lot of weight already and seeing him suffer so much is heart-breaking to everyone in the family. We kept asking ourselves what would be best for our dad, and still we just can’t make a decision for him.

I really don’t know if we can get through this, watching him detoriate beyond recognition is the least we want, however we just miss him so much and we don’t know whether we should wait for a miracle…

February 14, 2014 at 11:44 am #51009

Martha
Participant

Oh honey I know what you are going through. My dad died 10 years ago this August, from complications from a stroke that left him in the same state you mother is. and I am still dealing with feelings of guilt now.
I was away from home, in a marriage that was broken beyond repair when I got a card from my dad. I noticed his handwriting was poor and called my mom. They had been divorced for years but were still friends. I asked her to check on him. She called me back later that day and told me that he had suffered a massive stroke. I packed up what I could and got a bus ticket home.

When I saw him it was terrible. He was aware of me being there. His body had failed him, but his spirit was there. Trapped. I am crying now as I type….
I sat beside him. Took his hand and told him I was ok.. even though I was not. I lied to him to give him the peace I felt he needed to let go. Three days later, with my visiting daily, and telling him stories about my good times in NC, he let go. And I miss him to this day.

I know it hurts. Gods I know. But I also know that he would not have wanted to stay trapped in that body. He had suffered from Multiple Sclerosis for years prior. And I knew what being disabled had done to him. He had been a Navy SEAL. Traveled the world. And he was stuck in a body that would no longer listen to him. So being there in a hospital bed was worse than death for him. Yet I still feel that, if I hadnt told him that I was “ok” He would tried and fought his way back.

Now I am facing MS and my body is not listening. I am trying to prepare my husband for what could be coming. And in that process I am hoping that he will be prepared to help our daughter. But I miss being able to talk to my dad on the phone. Get advice from him. Have him tell me that he loves me. Although.. every time I hear a particular song. Or hear a crow. Or just go outside. I know he is with me. He isnt in any pain. And, despite my feelings of guilt. I did the right thing in telling him I was safe. Ok. And home.

Bless you.

Martha
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