Dear Anita,

Wow, I didn’t expect you to reply this.
First of all, especially after reading your last line, i wonder if i should apologise. I wonder if i wrote too much and too openly. I am afraid that i might have been triggering you with all that writing. Maybe i should have been more careful and not writing so much. In that case, i hope you will tell me honestly, and of course i will respect if you don’t reply anymore.

Thank you for your reply. I am not used to get understanding and recognition, and this of course, means a lot to me. An other human being who had similar difficulties and understands that it is hard and not healthy. I am so used to people telling me to ‘get over it’ , ‘forget about it, then is then and now is now, don’t keep dragging in the past’, or ‘there are so many people who have it much worse than you, you are so negative…’ etc. All these things i know, but still, i have never understood how to do it, just to stop being afraid.

Thanks to your kind reply, it is actually feeling easier for me right now to be a bit more compassionate towards myself because of the way i have made it so difficult with this lovely guy. Trying to get closer to him and keep running away.
I had 2 more phonecalls with this helpline today, immediately after each other (i have the numbers of 2 different counties), the first one was quite confronting and told me that i had messed it up and that i should phone him again to ask if he wants to come for tea. I just don’t know how to do it. I was so upset and overwhelmed and desperate that i phoned the other county. And that woman was more understanding, she said that my texts were respectful, also because i don’t know if he has a wife and all that, and that i made it clear that he is still welcome. I don’t know if talking about it is good, it seems to keep bringing the emotions up. And now as well, with reading your reply, i suddenly realise why i kept running away from him. It is so frustrating but i don’t know what to do now. I guess i have to let go of it, even though i am still hoping that he will show up. I have to work hard on myself and hoping that a next time i can do it a bit better. But that is hard, because my whole body, mind and spirit seems to be longing so much to see him, to talk to him, to tell him honestly what i feel, just to be with him. This is a very scary feeling.
I guess that since i am so afraid to look for further contact, that i won’t be forcing myself too much now. And that i should focus on myself, and accept the fact, that it maybe wasn’t supposed to be this way. Even if we are both so insecure and shy. But ok, i still hope, and i think that is very human. But i will focus on myself, doing things that are good for me, that hopefully help me to feel a little bit better, which is what i need the most right now.

I would like to ask you a lot of things, how did you manage to change some things, for example, because i know you have a husband, and i remember you writing that you went in therapy went you were with him and that you changed a lot. Ok, I notice that i would like to ask you things about your experience and how you managed to change things. But I don’t know if I should, because maybe that is too much for you, and going back too much to your painful past.
So I have all respect for your boundaries, and I ask you, to tell me if you want to talk further about it or not. I think, hope, that you are strong enough to say so if you don’t want to talk about, even if you like to support somebody else. Your own wellbeing and peace is more important, and my therapist is there for me.
But of course, if you do like to talk about it, i would find it very interesting. But in the first place, i hope you will respect yourself and your own boundaries. If you tell me honestly, now or whenever, that you don’t want to talk about it, i will respect it and not take it as an offence or rejection.

Anyway, thank you so, so much for your reply. You have no idea what these words did for me.

Dear Anita,

Wow, I’m surprised to hear that you already expected that i would apologize and that you say you know me well. While I always think that I am invisible and that people never notice me. You already know me from a few forum posts. That is an eye-opener for me.
Or, did you know that, because you recognise that pattern, because you might also have learned to feel responsible for other people’s emotions?

If you want, maybe you want to read my last lines of my previous post first, before going on. I’d like to repeat it here, I hope you take care of yourself and mind your own limits. Maybe I am feeling too responsible for your emotions again now, but i don’t want to trigger you to bring up emtions again that might be too much for you. You don’t need to get involved in my story if you don’t want, and bring up many things for you again. Respect your own limits.

I also feel closer to you now. And surprised, that i have the right to open up like that and to share this with somebody. With somebody very nice and compassionate.

Take care, take your time, and only read and reply here, if you want to, Anita.

Oh, sorry, it is only after posting that i see how long it is…

Anita, I also wanted to reply to your post about the medication and anxiety.
I have taken medication in the past as well, different things. Antidepressants, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotics. But I don’t want it anymore. The doctor was very nice, she told me she’s a psychotherapist as well but doesn’t work as it (i would have loved to have her actually), she told me honestly that she felt double about it, that it can hinder the work with the psychotherapy, but on the other hand if i need to get calm again it might help temporarily. I told her i don’t want medication, i just need some rest. I also said that she is the doctor and i have to listen to her, but i noticed that i was not afraid to tell her my opinion and that was already very nice, that i was taking myself seriously enough (i could also just take her prescription and not buy the pills, but i was honest to her). I think that i am strond and having insights enough now, that i should be able to do without medication. For me, it is mediTation instead. But, I need some time, time to rest and relax, and I need to find a good environment, that works for me. And the current job is not that environment. So I don’t see the point of hurting myself, putting myself in such an unkind place, and numbing it down with medication. I don’t want to critisize you Anita, or anyone else, I am very aware that some conditions, and some times, just need medication, but at the moment I don’t want it anymore. It is such a pity that our society is so focused on money and functioning, that there is not enough possibility to give people the space and time to heal in a more natural way.

Yes, it is normal that I am anxious. I have learned since I was a child that other people are so important, that they are the ones that matter, and that i don’t. Of course i have needs as well, but i ignore them and push them away. I have done it with work before, and with people, keep going, keep pushing myself to keep functioning, keep pretending and keep everybody happy, for way too long and until i totally fall apart, because that is what i have learned. Give the other people all importance and none to myself. Which is silly, because for example at work, nobody cares that I am sick and what state I am in, nobody is going to give it any thought, for them I am just a tool, and i am not left with the mess inside of myself, because i don’t want to cause them any trouble. Because I am always worrying about the others and never look at myself, and of course i have all these needs and feelings in me, because i am actually a human being as well, of course i get anxious. You can’t keep up, pushing all that away.
This huge anxiety and panic is actually good, because it is my body and maybe something bigger in me (whatever you’d like to call it), telling me: hey I am here too, pay attention to me, look after me, respect me, do what i need, because i actually also exist and i also breathe. You are not giving me any attention, so i am going to make you give me attention, by going into panic. It might be good that this is happening (which wouldn’t have happened if i had kept my previous job, where i was getting used to the people and doing everything on automatic pilot, and interacting in the same ways, stick to the familiar ways), now i have the opportunity to work on being positive towards myself and appreciating myself (i wanted to write, loving myself but that seems to be a few more steps away, that seems out of reach for now..) and to practise with better ways to do things. So that i can really become happy and not just pottering about. A crisis is a blessing.

I know that I have a lot of love in me, a lot of peace as well, and by playing so small and negative, i push all of that away. I also think, anxiety is there because i am not allowing that love to come out and to show. I keep pressing and hiding the beauty in me, and the anxiety is maybe the result of shutting all of that down. If i don’t show myself as i am, so also not the many good things in me, i become afraid. I’m not sure how to explain it better, that is something that i am thinking.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your reply and your very kind words, again.
At the moment I am very nervous, my father and his girlfriend are coming to visit me for 2 days and a half, I haven’t seen them in 2 years and I feel a huge pressure to make a good impression. I don’t know how they will be, I have changed a lot since I moved to this country and I am hoping they as well, but they probably won’t. I asked the doctor if she could tell me a disease that would sound believable to explain the sick leave, and she told me just to say the truth. So that is the dilemma now, and I guess that I am going again to making up stories and hiding things, make them look better, trying to avoid their judgments and comments.
Anyway, this is getting very off topic.
Why I say this, is that I will reply to you later, in a few days, if I go to much into this, it might get me more into a stressful mind, and I need to relax now for a while, read a newspaper (ha ha!) or a nice book.

Dear Anita,

I will reply more fully later. Now it is getting late and I want to try to read a little bit in a novel before going to bed. That’s ages ago and I should start doing relaxing things as well.
I find this visit highly stressful and alienating, and there are 2 more days + one morning more to come. It is showing me clearly why I am having so much trouble connecting with people (like I had with S, but in general, with people that I like) and with myself.

I did not tell the truth about my current situation.
Before I had told them that I had to work Saturday and Sunday and couldn’t get time off. Yesterday on the phone I said that I have a week holiday so that i was free those days. Today, we were eating in a restaurant, the girlfriend went to the toilet and my father asked me ‘they didn’t keep you in that work anymore, do they?’ I got so annoyed with his negative interprations, always immediately thinking that I am not good enough, that I lost my job, that i don’t do well, that i replied to that. I told him that I had asked for a holiday because I am so exhausted from the workload in my previous job, and did they did. But I also told him, why do you always think so negative. Is that only with me, because I am your daughter? And i went on about that for a little while. He doesn’t understand it, and came up with some explanation, but he really doesn’t understand what i mean, and why it is wrong. So i got the same feeling as so often, that I didn’t want to give him the pleasure to let him know that i had ‘failed’ again. I don’t know if that is right, but that is how I feel it. I got so irritated with his negativity, that i decided not to tell the truth and keeping up appearances. I don’t know if that was good or not. But I seem to want to keep in control about him, not allowing him to know that I am ‘weak’ ( which i actually don’t think i am), but giving a more succesful impression.
It was also annoying that i told them that i live in tent in the garden of the hostel, and i showed them the tent, it’s really tiny, one of those quick hiker tents. They found it ridiculous. But I told them, that that is not my problem. So told me that it is not possible, that i am warm in there in the night. Well, what can i do, i guess she has to think what she wants. So i was honest about that, but with the sick leave i wasn’t. I don’t know if i have to be honest about everything. With such a distant, cold way of behaving, and not feeling any emotional support or emotional space, i don’t see the point. I don’t feel emotionally safe with them, so i hid things.
Even though it sounds twisted, that i can tell a stranger honestly how it goes with me, and not my father.

It seems to be about being real, with them.
I didn’t tell them about the sickleave, but with other things. Like the tent, it is not the most glamorous house, and they weren’t very impressed, but i told them that i am happy there and that it is their problem if they are not happy.
The tent, interesting that you ask this, because she told me that it is cold in there, i told here that i am warm and that i even sleep without my clothes and am warm in there. She told me that i was lying. Ok, if she says so.
So, Anita, yes I am warm in there. I just wish that i tidied a bit more, but that’s something i can work on 🙂
I have a lovely sleeping bag, and sleep good in there. It’s a few weeks, of course it’s a bit annoying sometimes not to have my own room, but i think it’s a good experience. I learn to find solutions to be alone, and i have to connect with people more, i don’t have a room to hide in, and that’s perhaps quite good for me.

And the other part about being real, i answered her a few times, which is extremely scary for me, because the rule has always been to shut up and let her have it her way, don’t make her angry, and don’t go against her. Tonight i raised my voice (i don’t really think that it was yelling, i’m not sure of it) and told her i was fed up with her quarrelling. That was a big drama. I am scared for tomorrow. But I think it was a good step, to finally start to stand up for myself. So Anita, you say it is not helping me, but i wonder if that is true. It might be helping me, by breaking some of the patterns. I don’t know. I will probably see a bit more clearly when it is over.
Thank you so much for your support, Anita.
Time for bed now.
I think i am messing up my own thread, when they are back home, i will see if there is somthing else here that is waiting for a reply. Now there is enough to occupy my mind.