I’m going to go out on a limb and say that perhaps it’s not how you’re communicating, but with whom.

If you’re well grounded, speak from the heart, and have a healthy ego, then even a miscommunication could be easily rectified with a clarification. But if you find people are overacting and closing themselves off, then, you have to ask yourself, who are these people with whom you’re having these problems? Is there a pattern that you can recognize?

Also keep in mind. It’s not you. It’s not them. It’s both of you. Sometimes, you won’t be able to connect with people with whom you’re not compatible in terms of communication. Maybe under different circumstances – different time of year, age, stage in life, but at this point, that connection is just not there. As you become more self-aware and accept that you can’t be friends with everyone (even those people with whom you would like to be friends), the less energy you’ll expand trying beat a dead horse.

Focus your energy on those with whom you do connect. Try and make new friends, but don’t unnecessarily push the envelope if the other person is not willing to meet you at your half-way point.

• This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by John.

Hi Tera – Sorry to hear you’re having difficulties.

When I communicate with people, I try to remember that no matter how clear my words are, there is a chance the other person will misinterpret them.

Think about it – Have you ever been in a situation where someone said something to you, and you were kind of offended, and then they had to explain what they really meant? Misunderstandings happen all the time.

I think you’re approaching the issue in a healthy way. All you can do is send a clear message… Once it’s out there, it’s up to them to interpret it as they will!

Tera,

In contrast to some of the other pertinent and valuable opinions, there is another factor in communication that might be overlooked. When we invite someone to share with us, we are asking them to open to us. When you asked a question to your friend, she responded with such and such, which was her view. When you responded, was it because she asked you to share your view? Did you consider that your words might devalue her opinion of her own view?

Ex:
You: what do you like in a partner?
Her: I like physical beauty, smart, sexy, good job.
You: oh yeah? Well I like maturity, intimacy, spiritual growth. If he is mature and intimate, physical appearance and job are meaningless.
Her: what the hell? I’m not shallow.

Can you see in those words how the fantasy you trumped/stepped/devalued your fantasy friend’s view?

One of the notions that applies to Buddhist monks is that they don’t preach dharma to strangers. If they are asked questions, they answer openly and skillfully, but they do not engage in religious debate.

I feel something similar applies to those of us who focus on our spiritual development. We often can see things that others cannot, and it is our responsibility to take care in what pieces of reality we communicate to others. Otherwise we bring the fiery torch of our light and can easily burn away trust as the fire undermines the confidence of others.

Of course, we have free will and can do anything and say anything we want. However, if this is a repeating pattern for you with multiple people, chances are there is something happening on your side that is causing it. Perhaps you love your insight so much that you share it when the other is not ready or open to it?

With warmth,
Matt

• This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by Matt.