Hello everyone. In advance thank you for listening and considering what I have to express. I have posted  once on here before but I couldn’t find my log in and just never got back to it, when I wish I did! I really love this website and read post almost everyday.

My name is Kylee.

So recently my ex and I broke up. This was very hard for me considering I have love for him and deeply care about him. He was the one to break it off. I would say over all we had an okay relationship. I felt during our times together we laughed a lot, explored and had fun adventures. What lacked to me was emotional support from him and deepening our emotional connection. I tried a lot to find ways to do this and especially when it came to intimacy more times than not, I would feel like emotion lacked on his behalf. Which hurt me and he often avoided eye contact. Now I’m not asking him to stare into my soul to the point where its…weird. But I feel like its important to have eye contact to be able to feel each others emotions more. I tried to express this but not much changed. Also often he was in bad moods, I would do my very best to be a great girlfriend to him and be there for him no matter what. I know he has internal problems with himself. But don’t we all? I no I sure do. And I know that all relationships have there ups and downs… I’m someone who would love to work this out and persevere through the hard times. But I guess for him that’s not what he wants or is capable of doing. I’m not saying I was always the best person to be around but I sure tried to be loving, accepting and honest. I felt that he held back a lot, most times I would try to talk to him if he seemed upset but he would never really say much. He never really told me reassuring things to make me feel good. I mean sure there were times, but whenever I was feeling super anxious or you could pick up on my mood. I felt like he just ignored it or didn’t offer me the comfort or support I needed. I know that he does care for me, but also I feel he is selfish. He even admitted that to me. He told me many things, but it sounded like a lot of …excuses. He mentioned his ex, he mentioned our computability in a sense he states hes more introverted then I am. But I don’t see that as an issue, considering we were friends before and I don’t see why that dynamic had to change as soon as we titled it as boyfriend and girlfriend. ( I have so many thoughts in my mind, I wish I could be more thorough and complete but that would…be never ending ) Its just really sucky and sad because despite the rough spots, we never really argued and we did a lot of great things together! I know before we started dating he did have commitment issues and would hook up with a lot of girls. In our relationship I know he would still chat with like 3 girls specifically… that he used to hook up with or date. I was not okay with is, but I thought maybe they could be friends? and didn’t want to be controlling so I tried to let him have his freedom. But I did express simply that is made me feel uncomfortable and anxious. But I know he would still talk to them. I told him I understand they might be friends still but I personally wouldn’t do that to him because I know that it could cause issues for us and he never feels the way I feel because I don’t make him feel threatened by others. If that makes sense.  ugh its just so confusing. After two weeks of no contact, ( he still was on my social media, expect snap chat ( couldn’t stand to see him post something and I didn’t want him to try and “accidently send me something” ) I feel social media also just is such an issue in relationships. But anyway he finally messaged me yesterday night asking how things are going. I didn’t respond yet because I’m not sure how I feel or his intentions. I feel maybe hes just talking to me to not make himself feel guilty ( because I know he has low self esteem to an extent and hates whne people are upset with him) I don’t hate him of course, and I wouldn’t never like.. say anything shallow just to get back at him. I rather simply let it be unless he wanted to really show me.

Aside from this, I’m I’m struggling internally ( this has been an issue for a while in my life ) Whenever I’m in a relationship I feel so so anxious like they person will just leave me and not work through the tough times.. which in most cases this happens. I try to be positive and give my all. Because that’s why I would like in return. I know I’m a good girlfriend, despite my flaws. Honestly nothing seems to be more important to be than my deep relationships with others. I really value deep connections and intimacy. I have to say after this break up, I have not handled a break up better than this one.. Maybe I’m starting to learn from the past? But I defiantly struggle with feeling whole with myself. I feel like I settle for less than what I deserve but then I think is that true?? maybe  I just have to high of expectations. But others tell me I don’t. But like…ugh I want to be able to think that for myself. I try to take care of myself, I eat super healthy, exercise and do tons of active activities. I often feel unaccomplished thought and lack purpose. I try to make the most of my days. I do a lot of stuff, but still end up feeling this way. I try not to let a relationship define me but its hard when I find it to be so fulfilling. and often…. I’m let down anyway. I try really hard to see all different perspectives but I feel like I’m driving myself crazy and it makes me so sad…and alone feeling.  Right now I’m trying my best to live in the moment and take life a little less seriously and what not. But its so hard to do that when I am such a deep thinker…and over think to much. I hope I expressed enough ( I sure typed a lot. )

I appreciate any responses and advice. It means a lot to me. I’m determined to feel secure and whole with myself. Nothing I want more than to feel that way. But I just feel kind of stuck in the mindset and I’m trying to break free.

Thank you

with love, Kylee.