Anita,
My BMI is 20.5. It used to be somewhere between 18-19. I realize how ridiculous I sound when I talk about such a mere weight change. Most of my pants still fit, etc. I think the main issue is being able to see it in my face. I have always had chubby cheeks, and I just hate taking a photo and thinking the weight gain looks so obvious.

My mom is doing terrible, mentally. She has gotten worse and I believe has fallen into a steady progression of some form of dementia. She keeps falling and doesnt get off the couch all day. We have just found a psychologist to take her to. My other sister is also very mentally unstable. While I was home for Thanksgiving she verbally and physically lashed out when I said something very small she disagreed with. It’s very odd though, as long as you don’t say anything she disagrees with she’s fairly pleasant. My goal is to just be as light, positive and keep to myself while I’m home for Christmas.

Unfortunately, now my father’s health isnt doing well. He is experiencing breathing issues. He used to have a terminal lung disease until he got a lung transplant 10 years ago, but now his breathing is very weak and he is getting all sorts of tests done. My other sister is also openly discussing about how her neuromuscular autoimmune disease has completely debilitated her and tells long accounts on her social media about her daily struggles. It makes me very uncomfortable. I have had to start “hiding” all of the posts that my mom and both sisters make on social media to keep myself at a distance.

It’s safe to say that things are pretty dark in my household but I am doing my very best to rise above.

Anita,

I’m anxious but am hopeful. I’m feeling a bit better about my life situation, as we are finally starting to get the ball rolling on treatment for my mom. My dad also had some hopeful words to say about my sister recently as well. So I think while things are bad, they wont be quite as bad as they were during Thanksgiving.

It’s funny though, because I do think the issues are the stem of my weight gain, yet the weight gain itself brings me down more than anything. I think it’s because it is the physical manifestation of my life issues, so when I look in the mirror it’s all I see. And maybe because it’s the only thing I can “control” since I can’t control my family’s issues. I ironically find myself being way more emotionally affected by the weight gain than my family. Maybe it’s because mirrors and camera phones are so readily available and I can’t quite hide from it like I can my family issues.

Anita,

I think it might start with me accepting my family problems and not seeing the intrinsic darkness in it that is what gets me so low. My dad is stronger, and I think he just sees things a little less deep than I do. I get so dark, wondering about the future, how dark my life is going to become, how sad mental illness is, how horrible it is that we cannot find low cost help for my sister, etc. It goes on and on.

I think my dad sees it more as “my wife isnt herself and its bad, my daughter just had an outburst.” I think he removes himself from the root of it and it keeps him a little lighter and on a more problem solving level. I’m young and not as resilient to life’s troubles, and having literally all of my immediate family members in poor states has me feeling very burdened and scared. The little girl in me is terrified.

With that said, my dad just found out some good news regarding his health as of today, and there is also the good news about my sister and my moms possible treatment. So I am feeling a bit lighter due to the circumstances. The lighter and more hopeful circumstances have me feeling a bit more hopeful overall. A bit of a weight is lifted and I hope that this can snowball positively and shift me back into a positive mindset.

Circumstances are hard, but I am lucky to not be a civilian of Aleppo in Syria right now. I think that this positive shift in circumstances will get the ball rolling on a positive mind set even if circumstances do dip negatively again. If that continues, then maybe the weight issue will lift as well. I just have to focus on each positive moment as it happens and try to stay in the moment.