Meaning in life ? Existentially frustrated, Need help with avoidance !!

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 4 months ago by Peter.

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August 20, 2017 at 3:58 pm #164846
Zita
Participant
Dear Friends,

This is sort of free writing for myself to clear my thoughts but I really need your help, your observations and reflections. Please bear with me as I will be sounding fragmented. I am at a desperate point in my life where the only way of surviving is by connecting with others in my situation. I don’t know where to start my story, so I will get to the point. How do you all find meaning in your life ? Recently with the help of a therapist, I was able to unpack that I am going about in life just like a driver of a car who is perpetually driving on a highway without any sense of calculated direction. I am just constantly driving, taking one turn after another but I have no idea where I want to end up…. I am lost, as lost as a human can be. It is bringing me to a point where I just don’t find any motivation in getting up and doing what I have to do ( filing my taxes, paying bills, applying for jobs; aka everyday errands). I am also very very good at avoidance, it took my therapist almost a year to get me to admit that I am feeling lost. I would just avoid and jump from one topic to another, I get absorbed into the kitty gritty details of my life ( bf drama, gf drama, complaining about my work ect). I realized that I get sucked in and fixated on these non sensible things, mores at a subconscious level…. mostly because I cannot bear the anxiety of not knowing where I am heading in life. My brain resorts to random distractions which further takes me away from the ultimate purpose of my being.

I am sort of laying this out for myself to read later, maybe I can see a pattern in this. I am a runner, I run away from responsibilities , I run away from deadlines, I run away from things that I need to do. For e.g., I have been complaining about not making my ends meet financially, but I have not applied to a single job. Every time I sit down to apply for one, the anxiety and fear of failure, alongside a strong premonition that this will be a futile attempt, takes over my mind and body, and as usual, I find myself distracted by a mundane pointless task that serve no ultimate person, liking watching tv for hours, reading random books, socialize, go off about social justice issues on social media, or drive off to random and new places in town ( THESE ARE NOTHING BUT A DISTRACTIONS ). It’s like I am running away from life and passively watching it burn down to the grounds. WHO DOES THAT ?? Certainly a VERY lost person, sometimes I wish I was oblivious to being lost, at least, I would be going about life on an autopilot ( just like I have been so far). But crap !! now that I am aware of being lost, I have this DESPERATE need to find myself… find meaning and purpose in my existence. You can say I am “existentially frustrated”, in the words of Victor Frankl. I do not have a why to live, I am just too busy figuring out how to live. My therapist said he cannot give me a purpose in life, I get that, sure…. its my job ultimately… but he has’t given me tools to find that purpose either and its SUPER frustrating. What am I suppose to do this all this knowledge that I am lost and must find a purpose without giving me a way out to find it. It’s like telling a person they have a disease and the cure is out there somewhere for CERTAIN and now you have to find it. Erm HOW ??? What steps should I be taking ?

On another tangent, and this might give you a better picture of all the convoluted thoughts in my head…

I have a lot of blessings to count; a loving family, a healthy friend circle, fairly comfortable life style. I am attending one of the top institutions in the world. Speaking of education and career… NOW THATS A BIG ONE… You can say a lot of my existential crisis is related to my career ( no surprises here, its just one of the ways feeling lost is panning out in reality). I am not able to put my hand on something. I keep switching from one major to another, one line of work to a completely different one. Ha ! the paradox of options, when you are given too many possibilities you just don’t know what the heck to do with yourself. This is very tragic. It sort of makes me hate myself. I have been given a lot of opportunities and I am letting them pass by me one after another, just because I am so afraid to confront my life head on… I keep avoiding it all together. I cannot move because I am afraid ( yup I am quite self aware but awareness isn’t good enough), I am afraid of the outcome. What will happen if I take a huge wrong step ?? what if I can’t undo it ? what if I have to stick it out for the rest of my life and live in a perpetual state of misery. But heck not taking any step is even worse ( my internal dialogue ignore me) …Anyway how to do guys find meaning in your life ? what is your ultimate purpose ? please don’t give me vague answers, I need something contrete to hold onto, something tangible. … This is my fragmented twisted mental trajectory so far to give you a synopsis

Existential anxiety mostly related to work and career path —-> cannot pick a direction because I don’t know what I want out of life exactly —> (why do I not know what I want??? Whats wrong with me ??)—> now add social pressure which asks me to not be lost (frek guys I am almost 30) —-> cannot commit myself to anything until I find out the purpose of my life —>now no commitments or willingness to be in one, creates other pressures ,..like “when will I settle down raise a family, meet a cute boy ect ( I shouldn’t be even thinking about this right now. P.S : another way of avoiding my life, I have been on rampant dating surges on and off with people I knew it wouldn’t work out with, it just gave me something to keep myself busy with) —yup hate myself for that too—-> all of this has now lead me to a point where I am paralyzed and cannot move. There are days… actually months when I live in some form of alternate reality.

Just somebody PLEASE tell me how do you find a purpose in your life … what sort actions did you take, what sort of thinking patterns did you develop which aided your search for meaning ( happiness is not the goal here, I am comfortable being a bum and not moving, that doesn’t make me happy or fulfilled).

Am I lacking faith in God ? and his plan for me ? Does he even have a plan ? or am I just some sort of vestigial organ created without a purpose because God was like meh ” I will create you and watch you be lost and wander”. I really don’t have the answer … This is shaking my core, my belief system .. and I want to believe, there have been moments in my life where I am just mesmerized by my creator and his creation.. how can I quesiton all of that now ? How do you guys make sense of your purpose and why your creator created you ? if you believe in one i.e if you don’t how do you find motivation to move forward ( sorry the nihilistic philosophies doesn’t work with me either ….nothing personal ). Anyway the point of all this is just please help me figure out what the heck is up with me… why am I stuck in a circular pattern of avoidance.

Many thanks,

Zita
- This topic was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Zita.
August 21, 2017 at 7:38 am #164942

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Zita:

You describe anxiety, ongoing, perpetual fear: “It’s like I am running away from life… I am so afraid to confront my life head on… I keep avoiding it all together.”

“I do not have a why to live..how to do guys find meaning in your life ? what is your ultimate purpose ? please don’t give me vague answers, I need something concrete to hold onto, something tangible”-

I believe that I do know the meaning of living, the why, the purpose: to experience life with the awareness possible for you. This is the only meaning I observe in nature. When you, Zita, are “running away…so afraid to confront (your) life… avoiding it”, you are not aware to the extent possible for you. Living your purpose would be, I believe, to stay (not run away), to practice courage and to confront life.

Other animals have an easier time living their purpose, being aware to the extent possible for them, because they are not capable of self observation and elaborate language that when catches on to anxiety goes wild. So they live their purpose, experiencing life with the awareness possible for them.

anita

August 21, 2017 at 11:07 am #164982

Peter
Participant

Some of my best trips have been driving without a fixed destination open to new discovery. And in the discovery knowing what to explore and perhaps focus intention.

I can very much related to your existential conundrum. At the end of my search for meaning and purpose I have concluded is a fool’s game. Seeking things like meaning, purpose and happiness is like trying to grasp water or air in a grasping hand. The reason is that such experience exists in there being not as something created. We do no create happiness but notice it. It is only after noticing happiness that we reverse engender it. When I did x, y, and z it creates such and such which I experienced as happiness. We think that if I keep doing x, y and z trying to recreate such and such I should always be happy. And we fail, as such doing can only end in failure and depressed. Purpose and meaning are the same. As long as we are seeking we are not finding. (To find we stop in the still point of the moment)

When most people talk about purpose they usually image something grand and because its grand easily recognizable… hopefully applauded by others that will marvel at their purpose. Most purpose and meaning that we will experience belong only to us that no one else might noitice.

In your driving metaphor of driving without a fixed destination you seem to assume that you must identify and ‘know’ your purpose or meaning (Not the same things) before getting into the car and driving anywhere – as only drives with a specific direction can have purpose and meaning? You may be seeking to define your purpose and meaning before you actually live it, which might be backwards.

That may be the wrong quest/question as the experience (state of being) of meaning and purpose occur in the process of being and then only if ones eyes are open. Even driving without direction can become experiences of meaning and purpose!

Your angst may not be so much about meaning and purpose but in choosing a path and that is not the same as purpose or meaning. The problem seems to be that not just any path will due but that you must “know” what the ‘right path’is before travailing it, a path that is certain, with certain expectations of purpose and meaning. Certainty is nice but it tends to turn on you especially for those seeking meaning or purpose. Certainty can close a person off to discovering what is right in front of them.

My advice for what is worth is to refrain the questions your asking yourself and enjoy the drive. With such openness the drive itself maybe an experience of purpose and meaning and point you to your path. (which will be the one you were always on)

In my philosophical search for purpose, I end with Camus that all philosophical search ends in the absurd and the choice to laugh or cry. “The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.” ― Albert Camus

My end to the quest for meaning ends with Joseph Campbell

“Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.”― Joseph Campbell

You are the answer! Even driving without a destination is meaning, is purpose, when eyes are open. Open to wonder, open to bliss….

“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”― Joseph Campbell

August 21, 2017 at 3:18 pm #165010

Humanoid
Participant

Dear Zita, well where to start? Firstly do not fret about your position, just be glad your life is still wide open with opportunities. Be true to yourself and that path will come. For me there are two kinds of purpose, personal and universal.

For your personal purpose it can be anything at all and your purpose can change throughout your life. Everyone is unique and everyone has their own contributions to make in life. Reading the above it sounds like your crave some direction, but it has to be your direction, not anyone else’s. Why not try this exercise:

Get in a positive frame of mind and relax. Then think to yourself what could the very best version of you look like in 10 years. (or any other preferred time frame). What have you achieved? What sort of life do you lead? What does your personal life feel like?What would you like to be doing? What would an average day or week look like? Write it down on the paper then put it away for a week, then repeat the exercise until you can consistently form a picture which would make you happy. The happy feeling is imperative here, rather than any factors from outside you.

When you have something your pleased with, think about just one very small step you can take towards this vision and take it. Don’t procrastinate – take it. You have nothing to loose. When you have taken it congratulate yourself and write it down. Put the paper away somewhere and every time you feel lost get it out. Does the vision still resonate with you? If not its fine to change it as life twists and turns, but keep a future ideal vision. You might surprise yourself the progress that can be made towards it.

You mention career choice. Let me give you some advice on this. Find something you LOVE. One of the secrets of a happy life is to find something that makes your heart sing irrespective of any material benefit or expectation from others. (A good acid test is something that doesn’t give you the Monday morning blues!) If you really love what you do, you cannot fail to make a great success of it. Do not sleepwalk into a career simply because of peer pressure, expectation or to make someone else proud. ( I speak from experience here)

In terms of Universal purpose, well I believe it is to strive to better ourselves and to help the lives of those around us. And to be clear by bettering ourselves, I refer to our inner self. Do we default to anger or love? Do we harbour jealousy or goodwill? Are we positive or negative? etc etc. As for impacting the lives of others, there is a whole spectrum of ways to help others – a simple smile to a neighbour can brighten their day, a random act of kindness can reduce people to tears of joy. And giving help is reciprocal – it makes us feel good too and can help us put our problems into perspective when we help people in a less fortunate position than us.

I hope this is of some help to you and I wish you all the best

H

August 22, 2017 at 6:38 am #165096

Elyse
Participant

Zita,

Although I don’t have any advice to give, I do want to let you know that you are not alone. I am in the “almost thirty” category and am feeling the exact same way as you are. Those around me that love and support me keep telling me to release this need to force something in my life and to continue my “driving” while taking little pit-stops to places I might enjoy. So I started meditating, I started going to some low-cost classes at a local community center, and I am trying daily to just get through without crying or having an anxiety attack. These “pit-stop” experiences help for the time being because they help me to keep going and not give up.

-E

August 22, 2017 at 10:07 am #165126
Peter
Participant
Does anyone here wonder if this the sense of not having purpose or meaning is really a experience of loneliness?

Are they the same things?
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Peter.
August 23, 2017 at 5:57 pm #165380

Isbella
Participant

Dear Zita,

How to find your purpose in life? I was the one who always thought about it. Pondering our purpose in life may seem as futile as digging for water in the desert. After I had spent time for many years finding the meaning to life, I finally found the answer, and it’s so simple. I found the meaning to be that it’s not the destination but it’s the journey. I have learned new things every day on my own journey. Sometimes I face difficulties, and sometimes I find joy. I have learned that I can’t just stay home pondering about the purpose of life, but I need to take the journey.

The purpose in life is to live in the moment earnestly, not to worry about what may come tomorrow. To be a better person than you were yesterday. To love yourself and believe in yourself, to be content with what you have and who you are. To give yourself an opportunity to try new things, even if you will fail, you will fall, but you can still rise and you learn from it. That will make you grow and be stronger. The most important thing is to choose to live happily regardless the circumstances.

I hope this helps and wish you all the best.

Engfa
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