married the wrong person

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This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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September 6, 2015 at 3:08 pm #82963

mallory
Participant

he isn’t the one i should have chosen. there was another man that suited me perfectly, who loved me too. i won’t bore you with the details, but i had to chose, and i chose the man i married because i felt a strong, unexplainable sense of devotion to him, despite my potential happiness with the other man. i just COULD NOT leave him, even though i knew the other man was a better match.

my husband and i are so different in so many frustrating ways. but i feel a strong devotion to him, and i do love him, and he loves me very much.

how can i make this work?

September 6, 2015 at 3:17 pm #82964

Anonymous
Guest

Dear mallory:

You have three things that you listed working for your marriage as is:
1. You love him.
2. he loves you very much.
3. You feel a strong devotion to him.

To make this marriage work, focus on these three things and not on the MAYBE better suited man (many “perfectly suited couples” do get divorced).

You didn’t write any problem you have with your husband, any un-suitedness with him, so I don’t know what could be so important as to overshadow the mutual love and devotion?

anita

September 6, 2015 at 3:40 pm #82966

jock
Participant

How can you make this work?
By wanting to.

September 7, 2015 at 2:59 am #82995

TheDaydreamer
Participant

If you want to make it work, stop thinking there would have been another one better out there. If you CAN’T make it work, leave. Set him free and set yourself free to be with someone who wants to be there 100%. Love and marriage are never perfect, but you have to decide to be with that person. So if you can’t make that decision, let him go and move on.

Lots of luck!

September 7, 2015 at 9:53 am #83008

Anonymous
Guest

Dear mallory:

i think I did not pay attention the first time to what you wrote. You wrote that you love him. WHy did I accept it as true? People say this kind of things. The word LOVE must be the most miscommunicated word in the world. You wrote that you are devoted to him- devoted to something or to someone else, but I doubt it is devotion to him. You wrote that your potential happiness is with the other man, meaning you are not happy with your husband… and wait (says I to I) the title of the post: “”married the wrong person”- what I ignored the most in my first comment to you. I am re-writing your post in my efforts to understand your predicament:

My husband isn’t the one i should have chosen. I don’t know why I chose him over the other guy that I think was a good match for me. I felt guilty about not choosing my husband, so I chose him and I am unhappy with my choice. I don’t like my husband but feel guilty about leaving him. He needs me so much and I am afraid I will hurt him too much if I leave him, just like I was afraid I will hurt him too much if I don’t choose him. The other guy, well, we were a great match, but he didn’t need me as much, so I felt he will be okay without me. So I didn’t choose him.

What do you think? ANy closeness to reality here?

anita

September 7, 2015 at 8:01 pm #83026

mallory
Participant

hi anita, yes, that’s accurate what you wrote. my point is that i have made my choice, and i want to honor it, even if it wasn’t my ideal path. i would destroy my husband if i left, and i do love him. life is just harder than it would have been with the other man.

September 7, 2015 at 8:45 pm #83032

jock
Participant

Mallory,
again you seem to give mixed messages in your post.
Feeling sorry for someone is not a good reason to stay and it aint love either.
Sounds like you are acting nobly but you are doing your husband a disservice in my view.
If I were him, I would hate to think my wife was staying with me out of pity.
You owe to both of you to be honest and authentic.
Leave if you don’t love him.
Have the courage or else you are playing the victim, which won’t arouse sympathy from me.
Sorry I had to say all this.
Im being authentic, possibly too critical but nevertheless.

September 7, 2015 at 9:29 pm #83035

mallory
Participant

i thought i made it pretty clear i love him. i am not playing the victim. life just doesn’t always pan out as the romanticized, idealized version you thought it would.

September 8, 2015 at 8:42 am #83047

Anonymous
Guest

Dear mallory:

Your predicament, I am supposing, is a replay of a childhood predicament. In your childhood, did you want to escape your home but believed doing so would destroy your mother- or your father? Or did you need either one so very much that you sacrificed yourself so to get the bit of love that you could get from either one or both?

anita

September 25, 2015 at 6:08 am #84083

Mariangel
Participant

Only if your willing to let go of your past and move on to your future. If you keeping holding on to doubt you’ll never be happy with your current spouse. You may in fact love him but not be in love with him.

September 25, 2015 at 7:21 am #84084

Anonymous
Inactive

HI Mallory

Forgive me if I am barking up the wrong tree because I feel for you and you sound like the same conversation my mother was just having with me about the step father.

What I am curious about is… sometimes we feel a little bit of unfulfilment (new word) in ourselves and we look around to try to find the source of that and settle on something that seems to fit the blame as it were.

I’m reading you love him, he loves you and you’re devoted to him – that sounds like a lovely marriage to me. I am wondering what else is happening in your world or maybe in your inner self tha tmeans some kind of needs inside are not being met. Let’s look outside the marriage for a minute:

what do you do for fun
what keeps you busy nowadays
where’s your happy place just now?:
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