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Marriage Hurt

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  • April 8, 2016 at 7:45 am #101277
    KT
    Participant

    My husband and I have been together for 8 years, 6 married. I love him unconditionally and up until very recently, trusted him completely. Zero doubts, questions or concerns.

    I recently discovered a post he made on a social forum. I was not snooping or checking up, we just both happen to visit this social forum and I knew his username from a conversation we had. The question was “name something your friends have experienced but you have not, and wish you could” and his response was “sex with a skinny woman”.

    I am not a skinny woman. I’ve never been one, so to read this surprised me because he pursued me at the onset of our relationship. I’m smaller now then I was then, even. I recognize that people can change in a relationship and acknowledge that we all have our fair share of desires and whatnot.

    I thought about how I felt for a long while. About 2 weeks in fact. I just processed it and let it sit with me so I could understand things. Finally I approached him and discussed how this happened, and how I felt. He apologized, and we are trying to move forward. (ETA: I asked him if this was truly how he felt, and he said that he was happy with our marriage and out life together. NO further explanation offered to me)

    So, now I feel this hurt in my chest. I feel like I can’t discuss it with him because I am trying my very best to move on but it gets me at times and I realize that I’m harboring hurt. I feel very insecure now about my size and appearance. I’ve caught myself not wanting to be nude around him in fear of judgement. I’m worried that this will grow to be larger in my mind if I can’t figure out how to let this go.

    Any advice?

    Thank you kindly.

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 12 months ago by KT.
    April 8, 2016 at 7:56 am #101281
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear smores:

    This is very unfortunate that this happened. Too bad he answered that question and on social media, no less. It took him a short moment to choose to answer that and type a one line answer. Now you are stuck with weeks so far of hurt and distress. What a shame. Bad choice on his part, too bad.

    How to move on from here? More talking with him. You tried to deal with it by yourself following letting it “sit with (you)” for a while and the distress is still ongoing. So back to talking with him, would be my advice.

    I understand he apologized but that did not take care of the problem. He needs to do more. It is only fair to put it back on him since he is the one who created this problem.

    Imagining myself in your place reading that comment, I too would be very hurt and distressed. My goodness, imagining it, it does hurt.

    I would want to know what he regrets, what he feels about my looks, being not thin. I would want to know why he is with me even though I am not thin… talk, talk and please do post again.

    anita

    April 8, 2016 at 11:45 am #101301
    Amy
    Participant

    Dearest Smores,

    Sending you love and healing as you move through this process with yourself and with your husband. As I agree with Anita, this will require more talking with your husband – I am learning how to communicate more in my relationship regarding things that have hurt me. So, I feel you very much and the journey you are on to heal. One thing I have learned is that when I don’t resolve my issues the hurt has turned into emotion (anger/resentment with them and myself) that becomes very deep-seated. I’m on my path to fully releasing and renewing, and again, I send you love for the same. You are not alone.

    I also suggest that it’s very important for you to spend quality time with yourself – loving, embracing, accepting you in your entirety. I used to teach movement classes to women of all shapes, sizes, backgrounds, and ages that were aimed to help women connect with their bodies in a healthy and nurturing environment and which helped women step away from the pressures of: society, media, image, and a lot of times, men (although it was not a “man-hating” thing – just the conditioned ‘male thinking’ we as women face far too often). There were no mirrors and the room had soft lighting to help us get out of our brains and into a connected mind, body, soul authenticity. I’m not sure where you live, but I do suggest you find something of this nature. It’s extremely empowering, liberating, supportive, and healing. Whatever you find – You certainly need a safe place where you can find self-expression – get these emotions out of your body whether that’s through movement, painting, singing, writing, etc.

    I hope this helps, and if there is anything else I can do from afar, please reach out.

    Much love to that beautiful, complete, perfect body of yours.
    Amy

    April 8, 2016 at 12:36 pm #101304
    Maria Borghoff
    Participant

    Hi there,
    I am so sorry you have been hurt in this way. There is no greater pain then feeling uncomfortable in your own body.

    Expressing yourself to him was a big step – and absolutely necessary in your healing. And talking to him more might help — but first, it is SO important to continue to process the experience alone. For me journaling is a helpful tool, but when you described this pain in your chest — I can relate to that. The pain is living now in your body… so its important to FEEL it there. When you feel the pain in your body… that is a sign of something not being processed.

    Use your body to express your emotions. Movement is SO HEALING & so transformative. Find a song, play it loud.. and dance – all by yourself. Or sit with the emotion until you feel it strongly in your chest & then yell/ scream/ cry.

    Then, after you have expressed it & it feels like it has subsided a bit… use your awareness to cultivate POSITIVE feelings… the things you want to feel.

    I hope this helps, and I would love to hear how it goes for you

    Maria

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