Marriage and finances

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This topic has 20 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 4 months ago by Alexis.

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July 26, 2017 at 7:35 am #160244

Tiny Believer
Participant

My husband and I both work. Until recently we were sharing the expenditures 50-50 and we were not questioning each other or prying on what is left of each of our individual income.

Since I earn more than him, if there is any extra expenditure or luxury expenditure like a vacation I used to take it up.

But now he is wanting to monitor my finances and expecting me to give him an account of my spending and savings.

I do not depend on him financially and never borrow from him or anyone as I never had to borrow from him.

But he has gotten this idea that husband is the head of the house and he should manage the house finances, and is expecting to take over my income also by expecting me to transfer the whole of my salary from me, which I find is unfair.

When I am not prying over his income, I expect the same discipline.

This is causing a strain in our relationship and we are not in good terms.

I do not want to be with someone who is interested in my money and not me.

Am I right on this?

July 26, 2017 at 8:25 am #160296

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Siri:

I believe it is unfair and unwise for you to give up control over the money you make. What caused him to change his attitude from having separate bank accounts (as I remember from a previous thread)sharing expenditures to expecting you to transfer all of your salary to him?

anita

July 26, 2017 at 9:26 am #160320

Tiny Believer
Participant

As per the Bible it says wife submit to your husband. And one preacher interpreted that way when we asked what is meant by that verse. Give husband control over your money and let him take care of you. So my husband is holding on to that. He is so bothered about my bank account of late

July 26, 2017 at 9:29 am #160322

Tiny Believer
Participant

My parents suggested us to have a joint account where we both put in equal amounts to take care of our common expenditure. I am open to that. But what is remaining should be none of his concern. When ever he needs financial assistance I always help him.

July 26, 2017 at 10:18 am #160342

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Siri:

Many people pick and choose instructions from the bible, pick what is convenient and self serving and reject what is not.

I hope the two of you come to an agreement that will satisfy both.

anita

July 26, 2017 at 10:45 am #160344

Tiny Believer
Participant

He is not understanding that. He is even trying to control me. Like when I go out I should ask his permission and obey him itseems. I am not a small child who needs permission. We can keep each other informed. Is what I feel.

July 26, 2017 at 11:53 am #160348

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Siri:

Are you considering ending the marriage, as a solution to this problem and what seems to me a significant difference of thinking and values between the two of you?

anita

July 26, 2017 at 12:11 pm #160358

Eliana
Participant

Hi Siri,

Many men are really conservative with money, I think it comes from the way they were raised. Maybe his parents were really into saving, and your husband thinks spending money on vacation and luxuries is considered frivolous. Maybe he is concerned, that you maybe overspending when he thinks the two of you should be saving in case something happens like illness or loss of income. Still you do have a right to spend your money as you see fit, but it is okay for him to be somewhat anxious or concerned.

Is there anyway the two of you can sit down and ducuss any anxieties he may be having? Does he fear losing his income? I would just have a talk with him. Maybe put some in savings and the rest on vacations, etc.

July 27, 2017 at 1:09 am #160446
Connie
Participant
Hello Siri

Just some thought:

I was in a similar situation. I made more money than one of my exes did. However, during our relationship, he was constantly judging me how my money was spent. Like you, I had to ask for permission before spending (even small things like buying a t-shirt.) As time went by, I slowly realized his control over me was a sign of low self-esteem and insecure. Since I could afford myself some luxury trips/items and had my own circle of like-minded friends, I wasn’t depend on him at all.

We all agree that you should not give up control over your own money and opening a joint account is a good idea. However, if that’s still not ok with him, maybe you should think where he’s coming from- what his motives are. Is the bible/the preacher the only reason? Controlling is a sign of being insecure. Is it possible that he’s insecure about something that triggers his control over you?
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Connie.
July 27, 2017 at 5:06 am #160474

Tiny Believer
Participant

Yes Connie. He is a very insecure person. He says that if I don’t agree to his terms we must separate.

July 27, 2017 at 6:43 am #160444

Daniel
Participant

It seems to me that whenever people get emotional about fiancial issues, one or the other (or both) of the parties’ has a basic ego problem. The issue of control of finances in a relationship must be approached from a loving and caring attitude that even puts the other person at least on an equal level, despite who is providing more or less income. Let your ego go and enjoy the loss of control. This will be the most emotionally profitable thing you can do. If you can’t, get some therapy.

Dan

July 27, 2017 at 6:56 am #160486

Tiny Believer
Participant

What do you mean by enjoy loss of control

July 27, 2017 at 8:11 am #160502

Connie
Participant

Hi Siri,

I don’t think whoever gives this kind of ultimatum is thinking rationally. Maybe there’s some underlying issues in this matter. If you don’t want to separate, ask for more time and communicate. If I were you, I would try to find out what he’s insecure about before making any decision. Have you tried counseling as a couple?

July 27, 2017 at 11:37 am #160542

Tiny Believer
Participant

We went to a pastor Connie. Not to a counselor. He is not interested in it.

Actually I was diagnosed with vaginisms, so I went to the psychiatrist for the same. I was told that he should also be there as the treatment is given to the couple. He is unwilling to come with me to the doctor also.

I am really suffering. At the same time I’m not able to decide on what to do about our future. I’m not ready to separate as I take my vows seriously.

July 27, 2017 at 1:10 pm #160548

Macy
Participant

Siri

I’m sorry but whatever your income you make is yours beyond the 50-50 bill split. Whatever job/career he chose was his decision..which gave him whatever income he now earns. That was his decision in life. Your career/job was based on your decision in life. I’m not religious by any means (I believe in God and follow a good life), but sorry to be like a servant to a man who needs to control your money and how you spend your money and where you are going? We aren’t in the 1950’s anymore. Obviously your gut is saying no…and rightfully so. Interesting how you need treatment where the doctor said and him too…oh but the master of the household says he doesn’t have to go. Oy!!! And than if you don’t *obey* him you must separate? Maybe send him a postcard from the next vacation you’re on. I’m sorry I can’t give advice to say let him control your money…I think if you explain how you did here he should understand it..it only makes sense to me.

Macy
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