Memm,

Consider perhaps that approaching this by asking a women might not be the best approach, because it assumes the answer is in knowing “women” better, as though they are a single unit. Consider instead that as you act with more authenticity, such as helping out a woman because you want to help her (not because she might like you) or buying something because you want/need it (not because she might like you) then your intuition in matters of heart and attraction will increase. Said differently, its not in “knowing better what to look for”, but in “seeing clearer what is there”.

Also, consider perhaps that love isn’t something you can earn, its something that you share. Whenever manipulation arises in our perceptions of heart, its always good to spend a little time resting with that idea. We grow our light, which moves us to share in creative ways, which sparks the light in others. We don’t have to figure out how to properly understand the mating rituals and practices in order to secure a partner. Each woman is far too unique, too adaptive and fluid for that way to work well. Instead, we put our heart on one sleeve, our courage on the other, and just share what seems right.

Or, if you’re curious, ask her. “Are you just being flirty with me so I will help you with your math, or would you like to go on a date? I’ll help you with your math either way, but you seem interesting and I would like…” Too many relationships happen without communication, with each side guessing and predicting instead of curiosity and questioning.

With warmth,
Matt

Memm,

I think I can see what you’re getting at, pointing toward. Consider: if buddhism is correct in that we receive joy from skillful “hook free” giving (authentic generocity), then the results of our actions are measured on a completely different scale. For instance, if someone is acting manipulative because they want help, and you see they need help, can you set aside the “manipulative” pattern and help? Despite the ishy presentation of the need? See and dismiss the communication style, the wall of hooks and tangles, for the sake of the being that is asking for help?

When we do, it becomes about what seems right. Do they need help? Are they just being lazy? Do I want the widget she’s selling me? Do I want her, and am I transferring that to the thing she’s selling? This is why authenticity is so important, knowing ourselves arrives from being ourselves, and just going with what seems/feels/looks right.

The logic doesn’t shut down, it just becomes one of the tools we have. Logic, intuition, and empathy form together from the sights, sounds, and other senses, and we respond. It takes courage, but as we try and fail, learn… try and succeed, learn (etc) we grow an authentic confidence that helps build courage quickly as we respond next time. The cool thing is that the heart grows wiser, and instead of picking through maze after maze, we begin to dance as we just respond with what seems right.

Buddha taught that there isn’t really a pathway through the maze, its learning to drop the maze. Said differently, it isn’t “is she being manipulative” (ego-grasping, “what is this to me”) but rather “what kind of help is needed?” (ego-releasing, “regardless of how I might benefit, what feels right to give”). Quite often its actually nothing, or just a smile… conditions not ripe, something cloudy, whatnot. But when we do, it usually connects well, we find a groove, and just play.

Plus, this playfulness is naturally more light and spacious… so even questions we ask come across with that same lightness (not interrogation), even if you politely ask them to drop the wall. (“You’re pretty good at flirting, I bet you get a lot of sales.” vs “If you want my attention, drop the wall.”).

Namaste, brother, may you find the beauty you seek!

With warmth,
Matt