Managing the feelings of loneliness

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 5 months ago by VK.

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May 25, 2014 at 8:17 pm #57327

VK
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When I have nowhere else to turn, I always come to this website. Thank you in advance. Here it goes: I have very recently gotten out of my first, long, serious relationship & unfortunately it lead to nothing but frustration, pain and a sense of loss (the loss of myself while IN the relationship). He was disrespectful to say the least. I am healing & am absolutely sure I will never in my life want that person a part of any entity of my world, but even with that said, I am faced with a lot of anger & pain from his treatment that will take time to cleanse from my system, but I am ready & patient. Now that I am single, the feelings I faced prior to this relationship are resurfacing.. feelings of loneliness. I’ve always felt lonely & sadly thought having boyfriend would cure that.. not so much, at all. I know I need to make my own self feel full so I will be working on that too… anyways, It’s odd really, I get along with basically everyone I ever meet (unless of course they have done something bad to me) and people have always enjoyed me, but I haven’t really had many friends to hang out with… I find it exhausting unless I have an undeniable connection that allows me to feel completely able to me be… I have always been the type that enjoys minimal, super close friends, and I DO have 3 best, life long friends, but only one lives in the same city and is busy with two jobs most of the time. I know many of you are probably thinking “go out, meet people, do something on your own”… I do that stuff.. not as much as I should, but it really doesn’t work out like people think. I feel that advice is a cop out that everyone uses to try and make people feel better… I don’t know I just can never shake this feeling of loneliness. When I am busy with something, or doing something with a friend or my mom, I feel great, but when it comes close to ending, I get anxious & sad because I know right when I get home and walk upstairs, loneliness is waiting for me at the top.. wrapping it’s clingy blanket around me. I start to feel sad for myself at times and I hate that, but sometimes I can’t help it. I try to tell myself this is for a reason, maybe to do some deep soul searching, but I don’t care what anyone says, too much alone time wont do much good for the soul. I have faith that I’ll figure this out, but for now, I feel like I am rotting. Thank you so much for listening!

May 25, 2014 at 9:25 pm #57339

Sassypants
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VK,

I’m home alone tonight too! I’m lonely and know exactly how you feel. It’s ok to feel that way. It’s only temporary and it will pass. You’re in a vulnerable place as you just had a break up. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Try to enjoy this time in your life. One day you might not have all this time for yourself. I have friends with kids who are envious of all my down time. Cherish it. Maybe change the frame of mind in which you perceive it.

Try doing things during the day that tire you out so that when you do get home you’re ready for bed. Think of what a productive day you had and be happy with that. It’s ok to be alone. You’re a lot stronger than you think. Yes too much time alone is a bad thing, so strike up small talk with a stranger, find a hobby, exercise, travel, do new things. In finding you again your lonliness will turn to happiness and contentment with yourself alone or in company. xo!

May 25, 2014 at 9:31 pm #57340

Marshmallow
Participant

Many people thrive on intimacy (by intimacy I mean close relationships) so there is nothing wrong with feeling lonely when you are by yourself, it just shows you are human. 🙂 But I think learning to be content with independence is also a good thing.

For college, I chose specifically to move to a town where I had no family or friends, it forced me to rely solely on myself for everything including emotional support. Its possibly one of the best and hardest things I had to do but it made me so much stronger as a person. I think learning to be by yourself is just as difficult as learning to be a social butterfly. One thing I think helps is doing things you like when you are by yourself. If you enjoy painting, do something painting. Other thing to try is do some every day stuff on your own, get use to being your own buddy. Watch a movie by yourself, go to a buffet by yourself, go shopping by yourself, etc, etc. Its crazy how different a experience is when you are on your own where there is no one else’s opinion or presence to alter the way you act.

Sometimes I think lots of people kind of plan their day according to events with other people. Rather than focusing on say a dinner with mom/a friend, try focusing on the lunch you will be eating yourself. Pick a good restaurant or recipe, make it really good so you love it. When we go out with other people we tend to enjoy ourselves more partially because we tend to pick better restaurants, go to more “fun” places we normally would not by ourselves.

When I first left home, I felt like there was a hollow hole instead me practically everyday, sometimes I lay in bed at night feeling very blue. I missed talking to my mom, eating dinner with other people, hearing people’s voices and having friends I can do stuff with. But overtime, I learned to talk to myself, reason things out on your own and have fun by yourself. Its a good feeling to be able to focus and love yourself.

May 26, 2014 at 5:30 am #57347
Big blue
Participant
Hi VK,

You have some challenges that I relate to.

First, you are going through a temporary grieving process over that relationship, so you will need to give yourself time to heal.

Second, for your baseline attitude you could benefit by becoming more open to discomfort in relationships – those of others and with yourself. There are always issues. Some are uncomfortable. By gutting it out you will build up more tolerance. Along the way by engaging with people and yourself, you will learn to deal with diverse situations through coping skills, including more compassion.

– Marshmallow provided one recipe – all in. I did something similar a few years ago moving on my own 100s of miles from family and friends.

– I also agree with Sassypants. Another way is to get out of your comfort zone by volunteering more, taking or giving lessons, etc. out in the community. Try traveling and talking with people. My vote is a mix of in person and some online. You’ll find comfort and better handle discomfort – making you less lonely, while more confident and fulfilled.

I’ll add that you say how grateful you are. For your senses. Your brain. Your feelings. The sun. The moon. That dog that barks when you walk by. Your friends. Your family. What ever you are grateful for.

Oh one more point – you are not defined by your thoughts in that brain you’re thankful for. Some thoughts are ok to recognize, and say “there’s that lonely though again, I’m putting it on a bird’s back” to be dropped off somewhere to disperse. Let it go.

Does this make sense?

Big blue
- This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Big blue.
May 26, 2014 at 6:44 pm #57434

Jess
Participant

Hi Vk!

As much as a difficult time this is that you’re going through, at the same time you should feel…excited? You now have opportunities to try things, and do things, that maybe weren’t an option when you were in a relationship. I think it’s important to keep yourself busy at this time and you’ll discover wonderful things about yourself. Maybe you’ll find something that you never thought you’d enjoy! I think there’s a wonderful aspect to breakups; they allow you to be free to do whatever you please. Those things can be small. Or they can be exciting and big (like volunteering in a different part of the world!) Whats something you’ve always thought about? What’s something that you can see making yourself very happy, at peace with yourself, excited about life? I try to ask myself these things when I’ve gone through an end to something. And it makes me hopeful for the happiness I can have.
As you might hear and it is the truth; things always will get better:)

May 26, 2014 at 8:20 pm #57439

VK
Participant

WOW! Thank you guys for responding with your awesome insight and words of wisdom; it’s like a free counseling session from multiple counselors! I will take all of the advice given and REALLY apply it to my day to day outlook. I guess I do need to look at it as a time to do things new and interesting, even if they are alone. I’ve been wanting to try going to the movies alone, probably a dollar movie first ;P thanks for the inspiration!!!
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