Hi between drops,

I understand how this must be a very difficult time for you, having to navigate relationships on your own. I want you to know that you are not alone. You have a very unique past and it has shaped who you have become, like everyone else.

I understand that sexual abuse, dysfunctional household, unreliable parent, and emotional and verbal abuse take a huge toll on our self-esteem, view of life, relationships, motivation, and so on. Are you a religious or spiritual person? You have been through so much, what helped you get through all of it on your own? Where does your source of power live?

As a child – you were disconnected from your primary caretaker who were your mother and father. Going through a divorce alone can have a huge negative effect on a child’s development because their parents may be dealing with depression, change in env. etc. etc. Having a sibling (Someone who is so closely related) who treats us badly can make us feel badly as well. When you were dealing with that, a long came another stranger who used and abused you and your mother physically, emotionally, and probably even verbally. You said “he invited friends and they took turns on me.” – This is rape. You were raped by your caretaker and by strangers, when they were supposed to be the ones keeping you from harm’s way. You said, “my memories are scattered of this time.” As young children, we can have holes in our memory as a coping mechanism. Because we can’t get out of a traumatic situation or we feel threatened, we block that part of our life out of our memory. Certain life events can trigger those memories later on in life.

When you say, “she sold me for money” it breaks my heart over and over and over again. Although I do not know your exact situation, I have experienced something very similar. It steals your sense of physical comfort, control, safety, peace, and trust.

I can understand why you are struggling so much, you have been through a lot. You say that you don’t know how to let yourself form any meaningful connections. You have been violated time and time again and can not trust others? You are afraid others will harm you or abandon you? You did not have anyone to love you and keep you safe, which may be why you are struggling to love another and let them in. Are there any friends in your life or a partner? Is there any way that you can find a therapist? I encourage you to find a therapist so you can work through these traumatic events that you have survived. You can think of this like a pandora box with many hidden secrets. It seems as if your pandora box is beginning to overflow and you need to let some things out. This will be a very difficult thing to do on your own or even with help from others on this site or any other forum. A professional will be much better in helping you. Another thing that might be helpful is to write about it and talk about it. The more you write about it and talk about it the more you may be able to let go. The title of your post is – making my own family. Is that what you want to do? Have a partner and children? Or more of a friendly family?

• This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Annie.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Annie.

Dear betweendrops:

Your story is an example of how resilient a human can be, how much hurt and harm a human can experience and survive. Not without paying a huge price, of course, but survived you did. I noticed the way you write, the longer sentences punctualtes by very short sentences, strong delivery, saying much without many words.

Your last sentence: “How do I go about life without knowing what it’s like to feel loved or wanted? How do I release myself from my past?”

My answer: you learn about yourself from your current feelings about your past, you resurrect your scattered pieces from your past: there is that hurt, there is that anger, this is what happened, this is who she was, who he was, this is who i was… this is who I am. Ah, this is who I am. In between the drops, drops of love, the little bits of those among the hate and abuse, glimpses of what could have been; in between the drops of blood that you shed, figuratively if not physically, in between the drops and pieces of your broken self in that past… you gather those pieces slowly, gradually, glue them with the love that you always deserved, love for yourself.

Have you been, are you in psychotherapy? What kind? How has it worked..? What is the plan, your plan?

anita