Making everyone else responsible for your misery

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This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 8 months ago by Nikita.

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February 18, 2015 at 11:39 am #72954

ivan
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Hello, kind people! The brother of my girlfriend has a strange problem of not dealing with life problems like a grown man but insulting others for his own misery and fails and he is becoming depressed. My gf says that she hasn’t noticed any trauma throughout his life that could have made him behave in that particular way. She told me that he has always been that kind of guy. According to her, he enjoys to do the bad talking to their parents because he’s getting money in order to calm down. He is also a very unsocial guy. Age – 24 or 25 or 26 I don’t exactly know but he is a grown man. Could you guys help me with some kind of advice to solve this mystery?

February 19, 2015 at 3:28 am #72990

Yue
Participant

Hi Ivan,

I think you answered your own question there in that those who refuse to take responsibility of their actions are doomed to repeat their mistakes. The thing is, there is nothing you can do about it because the more you push, the harder he will fight. Maybe one day he will wake up and realise that he want to change his life around and when that day arrives, you can be there to assist him but before that happens all you can do is sit and wait.

February 19, 2015 at 12:23 pm #73019

Paula
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Ivan,

I understand that this is important for you because this is bringing about emotional turmoil for your girlfriend. That can be hard to deal with as I’m sure she is emotionally upset about the situation. I’d like to acknowledge your caring, kind nature to take action on her behalf. I agree with Yue that there isn’t much you can do about another’s behavior, especially someone not necessarily close with you. Unless that’s not the case and you are close.

One practice I could recommend for both you and your girlfriend is a forgiveness practice. Take time to visualize him on a stage with you in the audience. Imagine the negative behaviors and say to yourself, “I forgive you. I’m sorry. I love you.” Everyone on some level is a reflection of an aspect of ourselves, thus the “I’m sorry” part. This is similar to ho’oponopono or a version of it. Feel free to look that up and read about the benefits. Forgiveness in any form is a powerful way to transform your life and others without having to get into gnarly conversations that inadvertently leave individuals hurt and resentful.

Does this help?

Many blessings,
Paula

February 20, 2015 at 11:59 am #73072

Wednesday Genius
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Ivan, can you tell if his behaviour comes from anger or more from depression or being spoilt etc?

As a grown man his parents are giving him money to calm down?

February 22, 2015 at 7:02 am #73135
Nikita
Participant
Ivan, Everyone on this forum is truly kind! What great advice – to forgive this type of person. Truly this is all your girlfriend can do b/c he’ll never change. Believe me. Let me share my own story. I’m married to a man who is exactly as you describe here. He has always blamed others for his own misery .. it’s been my fault that he can’t find a job, it’s my mother’s fault that his marriage is breaking down, it’s the children’s fault that he’s depressed … I could go on and on – the list is endless. Rarely have I ever heard him say, “It’s my fault.” This man is 56 years old. We got married at 21 and there were signs even then, but I figured he would change as he growed and matured. No. I believe this behaviour does stem from childhood trauma – but until he’s ready and willing to face it and battle it, there’s nothing anyone else can do. We’ve been married 35 years, I’ve raised 4 daughters and him. He’s my fifth child and the most difficult to deal with. My girls are grown and living independently. They’re intelligent, confident and can deal with life on their own. I feel I did the best I could with them. As for him, we’re in the process of separating. Of course, he blames me for the breakdown of the marriage. I’ve tried and tried to reason with him, but there’s no use. Everything is my fault in his eyes. I’m done with him. I’ve been to doctors, lawyers, priests and counselors – all in an effort to help this man – but the more I do, the less he does. And that’s the core of the problem. Your girlfriend can’t ‘DO’ anything for her brother .. she can listen to him when he acts up, but the kindest thing to do is to just leave him be. He’ll have to figure it out for herself. I wish you both well. You sound like a very sensitive, supportive boyfriend – be patient with her. She loves her brother and wants the best for him .. but she needs to step away.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Nikita.
February 23, 2015 at 1:50 am #73200

Will
Participant

Solve the mystery? I don’t see any mystery here. A young man refused to take responsibility for anything in his life and blames all of his problems on others. He may be (on his way to becoming) depressed. That’s a perfectly natural outcome, no mystery here.

I also don’t think any childhood trauma is needed for this kind of attitude. It’s just a poor attitude that renders you helpless in the long run, but in the short run it has its rewards. If you blame someone else, you can feel angry and self-righteous: energising, uplifting feelings. It means you don’t have to look at your own faults, which is unpleasant, or consider how you can help the situation, which is difficult. We all choose this path sometimes. But those who choose it over and over cut a groove into their minds until it is the only way they know how to think and react. Suffering results. Not everything is about childhood traumas. Sometimes it’s just bad mental habits, growing worse over time.

“What great advice – to forgive this type of person. Truly this is all your girlfriend can do b/c he’ll never change.” I understand that’s your experience Nikita, but you don’t know that. You’ve shared the story of a man who had this problem and didn’t change, but that doesn’t mean some other person with the same problem can’t. People are different.

I think you and your girlfriend should encourage him to seek therapy, specifically Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Talk to your parents as well, see if they are on board (maybe they can pay for it? I dont know). Even if his depression is bearable now, it could be very useful to learn some techniques to change his way of thinking. And here is my own cautionary tale.

About a year ago I broke up with my boyfriend of some 10 years. All the time we’d been together, he wavered in and out of depression, sometimes it was worse and sometimes it was ok. I encouraged him to seek help with it, especially when it was bad, and even tried to get him into self-help but he wouldn’t even read the books. Since our break-up he has spiralled down and now he is seriously depressed, doesn’t enjoy anything in life and is seriously considering ending it. He has, at long last, agreed to get some therapy, but I’m worried it will be too little, too late. I wish I would have pressured him to have therapy earlier on, when we were still together.

Best to you, to her, and to him.

February 24, 2015 at 7:30 pm #73267

Nikita
Participant

Will, I like how you describe this behaviour as “bad mental habits”. I agree that we all choose our paths but I don’t understand how some people can constantly blame others. Of course, we all do this from time to time, but when it becomes a way of life, it’s just so debilitating. Blaming others puts them very much in a victim role which then becomes a sad cycle they can never escape b/c it’s always someone else’s fault.

In the end it all boils down to one thing: people will change when THEY want to change. And they need to want to change for themselves. For family and friends, it’s torture watching people battle the demons of depression … but I’ve learned that the more we try to pressure them to get help, the more they resist. CBT and EFT are very effective treatments – but only if the person wants to do it. When they’re ready to listen, to hear, to activate change for themselves, it’s amazing what can happen. So don’t lose hope for your friend. Peace.
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