Home→Forums→Relationships→Major confusion about 1 month break in the relationship
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Michelle.
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May 11, 2018 at 6:01 am #206887
AnonymousGuestDear Simona:
If it makes it easier for you, you can post here every day. When is the date of the ending of the NC month?
If you believe it is the right choice, to respect the NC agreement you made, then if you no longer consider breaking the agreement, if you view it as a None-Option, it will get easier for you.
anita
May 11, 2018 at 6:02 am #206889
SimonaParticipant🙂
Well, we did not agree to a date of ending the NC..we just said one month and this was last Sunday.
May 11, 2018 at 6:38 am #206891AnonymousGuestDear Simona:
Then it will be June 6, Wednesday, one month from last Sunday. Again, if you decide to not contact him till then, you will no longer be in conflict (to contact.. or not to contact), and so, you will have more peace than you had so far, being conflicted
anita
May 13, 2018 at 7:23 am #207081
QuanamParticipantSimona,
Remember this quote: “When you start giving too much importance to someone in your life you tend to lose your value in their life.”
We go through life attaching to things, wanting them to last forever. But they don’t last, and this makes us sad. Attachment in this sense might be defined as any MENTAL HABIT that perpetuates the illusion of a permanent, separate self.
Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh once wrote: “We have to nourish our insight into impermanence every day. If we do, we will live more deeply, suffer less, and enjoy life much more. Living deeply, we will touch the foundation of reality, nirvana, the world of no-birth and no-death. Touching impermanence deeply, we touch the world beyond permanence and impermanence. We touch the ground of being and see that which we have called being and nonbeing are just notions. Nothing is ever lost. Nothing is ever gained.”
The basic premises of Buddhism are NON-ATTACHMENT which is used in Buddhist philosophy:
1. Life is “Suffering.”
2. Reasons for Our Suffering.
3. It Is Possible to End the Suffering.
4. The Path to Ending the Suffering.
Hope this help, Simona.
May 15, 2018 at 4:24 am #207421SimonaParticipantThank you Quanam, for your words! Very nice and I do agree with what you are saying. Especially this: Remember this quote: “When you start giving too much importance to someone in your life you tend to lose your value in their life.”
May 15, 2018 at 4:54 am #207425SimonaParticipant@anita, let me give you an update:)
Last Friday, I broke the NC rule. I was drunk [yeah, this is when it usually happens :)] and I sent him a simple and short text saying ‘I don’t agree anymore with the 1 month break’. I sent it at midnight and I didn’t get any response back…
The second day I called him , it was lunch time and he was sleeping, said he will call me back once he wakes up. He did not, but he sent me a message saying to get in touch in the evening cause he was not feeling very well and he has some things to do also in the meantime. Of course, he went out in the city with friends. I texted him saying it’s urgent to talk and I need to see him, so we did this in the end in the evening.
I went to his place and I encountered an attitude I did not see in him before, something like ‘heeey girl, do you want to leave for good? then leave for good’, he was cheerful apparently and wanted to see me also happy. I said I was unconfortable with his attitude, he said yeah, sometimes I am like that also, again we talked, he said yeah i love you but i’m fucked, I can’t be present with you because i am not well with myself (he said that the morning i called he was not feeling well because he has woken up feeling like the last person on earth), that is easy to be present with friends but not with me because there are emotions. Also we talked again about freedom, he said that now he is feeling like “loco loco” and not searching for a relationshiop, that what are we? we are 2 free people that love each other bla bla and all this conversation just got me like….man u are so confused geez.
Then we laid down in bed, and he started saying: until when will we play this game? we are not letting go, none of us. What are we? He said again: 2 free people that love each other. I did not cry and started to make some jokes and just looking at him crying. I asked why he is crying, and he said that beneath everything, somewhere deep down, i want to be with you…Then of course we wanted to have sex, I said no no, we are not fuck buddies. So we just touched a bit and went to sleep.
The next day I just woke up and left, we was leaving again with friends to some green space, I texted him saying i need my money back (he has some money to give me) , he said ok, i also said to stop ignoring me like he does and really open up and be true, he said he was going to write to me a lot that day because he will have time to himself, and that something changed the night before when i was with him and that he will write me..HE DID NOT.
Sunday night I felt really sick , also my bike was stolen from my block, so i texted him in the morning to come and visit after work. Which he did. He said we need to stop talking about us when we see each other because none of us is well now and we don’t solve anything. He said we need to do well to ourselves first and then see what will be. He said he does not ignore me because he does not want to see me, but because we keep on talking about this , we are tired and we need to be joyful. And what to do? So we said that 1 time per week we will have 1 day for ourselves when we will spend time and in the rest of the week we just focus on ourselves. I said i want him to be the 1st to propose the day, he said ok.
Then we stayed for a little while, he kissed me on the forehead and left.
Honestly, i just think this is major bullshit 🙂 I just feel he is lying to me, i think he has some other girls he is talking to and keep him very busy, not having time to deal with sad stuff like our thing. He’s not the type to be alone, although he says we wants to be free. So now i’m just like….fuck off with the lying. I resent lying.
I don’t even think he will propose any day to spend that time…really now 🙂
May 15, 2018 at 5:17 am #207429AnonymousGuestDear Simona:
I think it was fine that you called him. I don’t see that he was busy with any particular work to prepare himself for after the one month no contact. Better to have called him to realize this then.
No “Major confusion about 1 month break in the relationship”, I figure. He is not interested in a relationship other than two… free people getting together from time to time so to love each other in that free kind of way, nothing that would burden him.
anita
May 15, 2018 at 7:20 am #207435SimonaParticipantYeah…funny how he says that he loves me and still rejected me so bad, unfortunately.
May 15, 2018 at 7:35 am #207439AnonymousGuestDear Simona:
A long time ago, when you were not much into him, he wrote you a long email, “he claimed that he wanted to be loved entirely.. to feel entirely wanted, to give and to receive etc.”..telling me to take time for myself to think about what I really wanted”-
sounded like a man interested in a serious, monogamous, loving and mature relationship, giving you (the immature one) time to think and meet him at his level of maturity.
Most recently, “he said that now he is feeling like ‘loco loco’ and not searching for a relationship”. That “loco loco” is his current level of maturity, different from what he presented before.
This is one example that shows why it is important to evaluate a person’s motivation and values not based entirely on what they say at any particular one time, or over a short period of time, but over a longer time, based on what they say and what they do during the course of a longer period of time.
anita
May 15, 2018 at 7:40 am #207443SimonaParticipantYes.
He might have been mature then , at the beginning, but he is not anymore..or maybe he panicked and did not want to take the level of responsibility for a serious relationship…or maybe he is just a liar, finding it hard to let me go with honesty, saying he wants somebody else, instead of telling me he loves me and that he wants to experiment…i find it very hard to believe actually…
The majority of us want to be loved and cherished …he is a very sentimental guy, i doubt he does not want somebody close…
Anyway I guess I will never know the truth…and what will bother me forever is the lying, in the end…don’t say you want to write me something nice and never do it, or don t say you want to spend 1 day per week with me and actually never planning to do it ever…i can’t understand this level of lying…it’s fucked.
May 15, 2018 at 8:22 am #207453AnonymousGuestDear Simona:
As to your suggestion that he might have been mature then but is not mature anymore- I don’t think it is possible to reverse maturity. He sounded mature then but he wasn’t mature then.
As to the lying, yes, reads to me that he does lie. Problem with a person who lies repeatedly or habitually is that they don’t lie all the times, there are truths here and there. (No liar lies all the time). It is difficult or impossible to figure out when the person lies and when he or she is telling the truth. Trying to figure this out is exhausting, futile, and crazy making.
From what you shared, I don’t get the feeling that he is able to be mature and loving with someone else but not with you. And I don’t believe he was mature and is no longer mature.
anita
May 15, 2018 at 4:19 pm #207523
ZariahParticipantHello Simona,
I feel like you aren’t able to get past the one month contract because it feels like the end of the relationship. You are unsure if you need to mourn or keep pursuing him. I would take the one month as a challenge to yourself. You need to see who you are as a person and what you want from your own life. In the end, you might end up realizing that you want more time for yourself.
I especially think you need more time for yourself and would end the relationship. He has hurt you before (cheating on you) and has pushed you away when you have tried to talk to him. I believe when someone cheats on they ruin the trust you have for them. That isn’t something you can easily build back up and you shouldn’t have to feel that suspicious feeling time and time again. As a duty to yourself, recognize your own worth and ask yourself is this a person I really need in my life? Will the effort I give them be returned? If there isn’t a definite yes in your answer than I’m sorry to say you must move on. A relationship takes effort and it isn’t just your feelings about the person. Life has a variety of situations and effort in a relationship is needed to get past them. It isn’t fair to you when you can be there for him during that situation but he needs to “take time for himself” when you are going through a crisis.
May 15, 2018 at 11:42 pm #207569SimonaParticipantI can’t really get through this part of the lying…why would you say to someone ok, let’s do this, then act like you never said it and just avoid things? why bother saying instead of saying better: no, i can’t, let’s not see each other anymore..
he said something like ‘i need to transform this into nothingness so i can get close to you again’
i have this issue with people leaving, i am a person who likes to have many people around and because i keep trying to hard to do it, it just seems the reverse thing is happening…
Yeah, he might be able to be mature and loving with someone else but not me, i would just like for him to be able to admit that he does want somebody close and those things he is saying now are just some immature crap that is going around his head for a month or 2. Until he meets somebody and says hei, yeah, i want to be in a relationship. He said something like he is not the type to ‘fuck without feelings’, meaning that if he has sex with someone it will not be based only on physical stuff…so how do you define that other than going towards something more serious with someone? He said to me that he has no feelings for the girl he cheated me with…i don’t believe that for a moment.
May 16, 2018 at 2:52 am #207631AnonymousGuestDear Simona:
You wrote: “Yeah, he might be able to be mature and loving with someone else but not me”- do you believe then that it is your doing that he was not mature with you, that you were the fault in the relationship-
Or is it that other women are lucky while you are not, lucky to get a man when he is mature, while you are unlucky and get him when he is immature?
anita
May 16, 2018 at 2:56 am #207635SimonaParticipantSometimes I do…I need attention, i’m sometimes jealous, and he wanted to feel free…
However i never felt i was exaggerate or anything, but he kept on acting that he wanted to do what he felt like in many situations and I was not supposed to comment or feel bad about it…this was his impression of freedom.
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