Home→Forums→Relationships→Major confusion about 1 month break in the relationship
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Michelle.
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May 10, 2018 at 8:41 am #206637
SimonaParticipantHi guys,
this is gonna be quite long, but I hope you will have the patience to read it through, because I really need a piece of advice 🙂
More than an year ago I met this guy. We were together for a couple of months but I was not very much into him, I was seeing more his faults than his qualities, physical appearence also was not sky high for me…Bottom line, I was not that much into him. When he saw that, he claimed that he wanted to be loved entirely, that he wanted to trust his partner, to feel entirely wanted, to give and to receive etc. While he was away from the country for some time, he sent me this long email telling me all this and telling me to take time for myself to think about what I really wanted.
Then he did not really want to speak to me anymore (he was replying to my texts when I was getting sentimental and all – but that was it; I wrote him emails, I wanted to get him back so much, I realized I made a mistake etc) and I had suspicions he started dating somebody else, which was true in the end. After 2 months, he started to reach out again to me, we went out for coffee, he hit on me, then another 1-2 weeks went by, his birthday came and on that night he texted me saying he needs a peaceful night and If I want to come over, no pressure and all. Of course, that night we got back together.
Since then, we were in a relationship for 1 year and a couple of months, we grew an imense love between us, I was very supportive when he needed me (we lived together in my apartment for half of year, although he wanted very much to live in his own flat, but did not have the money at the beginning to do it and then he did not really put very much effort into finding a flat for himself, until a friend of his had another friend who was leaving a very nice flat and in the end he rented that one), we had many many moments and experiences together, sometimes very good, sometimes less good and so on.
All this time I felt I was giving much more than he did for the relationship, I was much more involved than he was, he got a new job, made new friends, gain so much confidence in him, it’s like he was changing into a different person and I felt I could not trust him very much. This caused me to become suspicious, to bring up many discussions, to try and accept who he is (he as many female friends) although sometimes was hard, to become jealous, to be ‘too much there’.
A month ago, or a bit more than a month ago, I found out he cheated on me. Twice, with the same girl, claiming that he ran in the exterior but did not find anything there, that it was just sexual, that he really loves me, that he does not know how to deal with a monogamous relationship, how to deal with the attraction towards other people, that he wants more of an open relationship.
In the end, we decided we will try a more open relationship and I will see how I will feel about that. But 1 week after that I felt that he was not very present and I got confused about what was happening. He said he feels blocked in the past with me, that he does not know if he can see me as a person with whom he can has this type of relationship, but he is really in love with me, he is also saying that he wants to re-build himself because he is not doing things for him anymore (he is rather drinking, partying, staying with other people and less focusing on himself – his passion, his health etc) and he wants to reach out when he will be ready. I asked him if it’s about somebody else, he said no.
Last weekend we saw each other again, at my initiative, to try and define things out. As much as I/we tried, he stil got blocked and could not tell me anything clear. We cried a lot, we spent 2 days together and then agreed to take 1 month break to try and figure things out and after that we meet and see where we stand.
Now, it is incredibly hard for me to resist this month. It’s been 4 days and I feel like a crazy person, overthinking and overanalyzing and panicking that I lose this person not only as a lover, but as a friend, it’s extremly difficult not to write, to send a song I discovered, to ask how do you feel and so on…I feel I want to break this no contact period and again try to find another solution…but right now I don’t know what is best thing to do…
May 10, 2018 at 9:23 am #206665
AnonymousGuestDear Simona:
At the beginning of the relationship, you were “not that much into him”. He saw that, you wrote, and “claimed that he wanted to be loved entirely… to feel entirely wanted, to give and receive etc.”, and he told you to take time for yourself, “to think about what (you) really wanted.”
Reading the rest of your post, it seems like he did not know what he wanted.
When you were that much into him, very much into him, as you are now, he wanted an open relationship. Then he figured it is not working out for him, an open relationship, that is.
I suppose he took his own advice to you and took time for himself, to think about what he really wants. Didn’t he?
anita
May 10, 2018 at 12:36 pm #206715SimonaParticipantHello!
it seems that he did, yes.
I don’t really understand anymore what he wants and if he has just reacted like most people do, when you are rejected you want that person, but if a person is too much into you , you feel like running. Is it just a game, in the end?
It also left me with some open wounds, as in the past 2 weekes he acted really ugly: one night i was feeling really bad, a friend of mine called him to ask if he knew anything about me because my phone was off, and that night he didn’t even write to ask if i was ok. Then, another night, after making some plans to go out with him and another friend, he left me aside and went out just with that friend, then at 3 am showed up at my doir drunk saying he loves but he does not know how to do this and why i don’t say when i need him cause he will be here(i said well dude, i needed u and you ignored me, also am I the one who has to do it all? Love, be there, tell u when i need u? Where is your part?)
That night he left after 30 min becayse the other friend needed him…
He also mentioned that one of the biggesst reasons for wich he came back to me the 1st time was the fact that I seemed happy and cheerful and that attracted him..i took this as a pressure, like, really? I need to be happy all the time to be attractive?
So yeah..I don’t really know what to do right now.
May 11, 2018 at 2:45 am #206833AnonymousGuestDear Simona:
The two of you agreed on a one month no contact break. You now wonder if you should break the agreement and contact him.
If you want to make a final break in the relationship, that is, to contact him and tell him that you are ending the relationship, you can do that, I am thinking.
But if you want to resume a relationship with him, breaking the agreement you made with him by contacting him, is not a good idea.
You asked if he is playing a game: pursue you for as long as you were not that into him and then withdraw from you once you were into him. I would think of it as a game if this is his pattern, if this happens in his life relationship after relationship, or if he pursues women then once intimate with them, he loses interest and pursues the next.
If it is not his pattern, then it may be that he needed your love but not for a lifetime, only temporarily. He got it and it filled him with enough confidence to be more social, go out more, have friends etc.
Maybe he was overwhelmed by how much power he had over you, not wanting to be the one responsible to whether you have a smile one day or a frown the next.
What do you think?
anita
May 11, 2018 at 3:18 am #206837SimonaParticipantHello,
thank you for your thoughts:)
Well, I don’t really know what his pattern is…when he was young, he was in a relationship of 4 years and he was cheated on by that girl at the end…then he had various relationships and experiences, some very open, some a bit more serious. He keeps on bringing up the fact that love should be a free act, non dependent (which yes, I can understand, but this does not mean we should do crappy things to people). And also he said that the 2 of us are connected by something strong, that he wants a relationship, but he needs to figure out what type of relationship…
I was thinking to break the NC and try again to see if we can make it work, I am afraid that the distance will break us apart. But I feel that if I do that it will only put pressure on him and I won’t solve anything…He is a Pisces, I am a Leo, although I don’t guide my life after the zodiac, I read some stuff about this and our compatibility is a true challenge…I don’t know what gets me stuck in here…maybe my fear of being alone, my need for love…the romantic in me 🙂
Yeah, you do have a point, I think I gave him very much power over me which in the end is not very attractive…and I don’t know if he can see me differently..or if he wants to try to see me differently, because in the end, I can be more than just one way…
It’s the 2nd time I was cheated on in a relationship (the 1st time also by a Pisces guy) and I just hate to see this happens again. I don’t get it why I keep attracting this type of men in my life.
May 11, 2018 at 3:33 am #206841AnonymousGuestDear Simona:
I don’t think you “keep attracting this type of men”. I think that loving, mature, ready to commit, mentally healthy men (and women) are very rare, this is why, statistically, you are not likely to find yourself with one who is those things.
I think breaking the no contact agreement is not a good idea. Your motivation is fear, fearing that the distance will break you apart more than you already are. This fear and desperation is not a helpful guide to making good choices.
You wrote that he keeps bringing up the idea that “love should be a free act, not dependent”- there is a lot there, I think, to understand about him. Do you know anything about his relationships with any of his parents, or both, past and present?
anita
May 11, 2018 at 3:41 am #206843SimonaParticipantHis parents are together up to this day, they are open, loving and beautiful people.
They love him a lot, there is nothing they would not do for him.
As a child, their parents left him very free, to do what we wanted and when, to find his passion – he did, he’s an artist now. This is why, today, if you tell him he NEEDS to do something, most probably he will do the contrary…
He never asks for help, he wants to manage everything with his own mind.
Generally he is very much procrastinating, leaving things up to the last moment, not really striving for his career and so on…he recognizes this at times, but he does not really change this aspect…
And he’s the kind of person that rarely initiates things…he just accepts the initiatives around them and lets life take him wherever it will…this was kind of a problem for me because most of the times i did not feel like a priority for him…
May 11, 2018 at 3:59 am #206849AnonymousGuestDear Simona:
You wrote about his parents that they are “open, loving and beautiful people”- what in their behavior makes them beautiful, open and loving in your experience?
You wrote “there is nothing they would not do for him”. What have they done for him?
anita
May 11, 2018 at 4:07 am #206853SimonaParticipantThey are the kind of people you can talk anything with, they are simple people, they live at the countryside, always welcoming and making you feel like at home, they joke, they are transparent etc.
They are giving him money when he needs it, they are helping him with anything else he might need, always making sure he is ok, calling etc.
However they complain sometimes that he his not very present with them, only calling from time to time, not coming to visit to often, they are worried he is not very responsible with his life etc…
May 11, 2018 at 4:21 am #206861AnonymousGuestDear Simona:
Reads to me that what he didn’t get from his parents, what they didn’t give him, is guidance. I can see them being kind and loving, supportive, generous, not imposing, these are wonderful things.
On the other hand, a child needs guidance: what to do when angry? What to do when sad? When to reach out and when to hold back, when to approach, when to withdraw. What to do when wanting two things at the same time, when in conflict…
They gave him freedom, and that is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, for any parent, a child needs so much. Not only freedom, but guidance within that freedom.
And so he doesn’t know what to do: he wants this and he wants that and the two contradict, so … what to do? He doesn’t know.
For example: he wanted you and he wanted other women, what to do? He figured maybe an open relationship is the answer. It wasn’t the answer for him.
His main challenge may be not knowing what to do when he has conflicting needs.
anita
May 11, 2018 at 4:25 am #206863SimonaParticipantI think it makes sense, yes. And it’s hard to fight this battle. I often imagine he will drown himself in sex during this time or just try to be with another person, since with me it seemed difficult…he said that now he is emotionally unavailable..
Isn’t weird that confused people are the most attractive ones?…
Now I can’t stop but wondering, will he break the NC? will he, after 1 month, maybe not contact me at all? It’s painful to imagine.
May 11, 2018 at 4:38 am #206869AnonymousGuestDear Simona:
I figure if he is to have a good relationship with a woman, the woman has to give him the sense of freedom and at the same time guide him.
For example, he told you that “he wants a relationship, but he needs to figure out what type of relationship”. Here is an answer that may work well with him:
Lets figure it out together starting now. Let’s be honest with each other every day, and find out, over time what kind of a relationship will work for the two of us, so that we are both satisfied.
And then, the two of you have daily conversations, maybe a conversation per day, or every other day or once a week: what worked, what didn’t work, what to try differently.
anita
May 11, 2018 at 5:26 am #206879SimonaParticipantYou mean I should propose this to him now, during NC?
May 11, 2018 at 5:39 am #206883AnonymousGuestDear Simona:
I think it is a good proposition to make. Problem is that you agreed to a no contact month. What about being trustworthy to keep your word, keep your agreement to not contact him for a month?
anita
May 11, 2018 at 5:49 am #206885SimonaParticipantI can try doing that, but it’s so difficult with each day.
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