Dear Simona:

At the beginning of the relationship, you were “not that much into him”. He saw that, you wrote, and “claimed that he wanted to be loved entirely… to feel entirely wanted, to give and receive etc.”, and he told you to take time for yourself, “to think about what (you) really wanted.”

Reading the rest of your post, it seems like he did not  know what he wanted.

When you were that much into him, very much into him, as you are now, he wanted an open relationship. Then he figured it is not working out for him, an open relationship, that is.

I suppose he took his own advice to you and took time for himself, to think about what he really wants. Didn’t he?

anita

Dear Simona:

The two of you agreed on a one month no contact break. You now wonder if you should break the agreement and contact him.

If you want to make a final break in the relationship, that is, to contact him and tell him that you are ending the relationship, you can do that, I am thinking.

But if you want to resume a relationship with him, breaking the agreement you made with him by contacting him, is not a good idea.

You asked if he is playing a game: pursue you for as long as you were not that into him and then withdraw from you once you were into him. I would think of it as a game if this is his pattern, if this happens in his life relationship after relationship, or if he pursues women then once intimate with them, he loses interest and pursues the next.

If it is not his pattern, then it may be that he needed your love but not for a lifetime, only temporarily. He got it and it filled him with enough confidence to be more social, go out more, have friends etc.

Maybe he was overwhelmed by how much power he had over you, not wanting to be the one responsible to whether you have a smile one day or a frown the next.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Simona:

I don’t think you “keep attracting this type of men”. I think that loving, mature, ready to commit, mentally healthy men (and women) are very rare, this is why, statistically, you are not likely to find yourself with one who is those things.

I think breaking the no contact agreement is not a good idea. Your motivation is fear, fearing that the distance will break you apart more than you already are. This fear and desperation is not a helpful guide to making good choices.

You wrote that he keeps bringing up the idea that “love should be a free act, not dependent”- there is a lot there, I think, to understand about him. Do you know anything about his relationships with any of his parents, or both, past and present?

anita

Dear Simona:

You wrote about his parents that they are “open, loving and beautiful people”- what in their behavior makes them beautiful, open and loving in your experience?

You wrote “there is nothing they would not do for him”. What have they done for him?

anita

Dear Simona:

Reads to me that what he didn’t get from his parents, what they didn’t give him, is guidance. I can see them being kind and loving, supportive, generous, not imposing, these are wonderful things.

On the other hand, a child needs guidance: what to do when angry? What to do when sad? When to reach out and when to hold back, when to approach, when to withdraw. What to do when wanting two things at the same time, when in conflict…

They gave him freedom, and that is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, for any parent, a child needs so much. Not only freedom, but guidance within that freedom.

And so he doesn’t know what to do: he wants this and he wants that and the two contradict, so … what to do? He doesn’t know.

For example: he wanted you and he wanted other women, what to do? He figured maybe an open relationship is the answer. It wasn’t the answer for him.

His main challenge may be not knowing what to do when he has conflicting needs.

anita

Dear Simona:

I figure if he is to have a good relationship with a woman, the woman has to give him the sense of freedom and at the same time guide him.

For example, he told you that “he wants a relationship, but he needs to figure out what type of relationship”. Here is an answer that may work well with him:

Lets figure it out together starting now. Let’s be honest with each other every day, and find out, over time what kind of a relationship will work for the two of us, so that we are both satisfied.

And then, the two of you have daily conversations, maybe a conversation per day, or every other day or once a week: what worked, what didn’t work, what to try differently.

anita

Dear Simona:

I think it is a good proposition to make. Problem is that you agreed to a no contact month. What about being trustworthy to keep your word, keep your agreement to not contact him for a month?

anita

Dear Simona:

If it makes it easier for you, you can post here every day. When is the date of the ending of the NC month?

If you believe it is the right choice, to respect the NC agreement you made, then if you no  longer consider breaking the agreement, if you view it as a None-Option, it will get easier for you.

anita